When we need a laugh
Need some good jokes to make the dayPosted by devman825 2nd May 2021 at 11:44 am
Reply by devman825 2nd May 2021 at 11:45 am
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”
Reply by devman825 2nd May 2021 at 12:12 pm
This has to be one of the best jokes I have ever read, I still howl laughing every time I read it.
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a [email protected]&$ thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: – – – – – Mama?- – – (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
My Sister told me: “Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.”
Reply by CAAS 2nd May 2021 at 1:39 pm
Two Fish in a Tank. One turns to the other and says
“You sure, you know how to Drive this thing?”
Two Parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other
“Can you smell Fish?”
Reply by Lel 2nd May 2021 at 6:59 pm
What d’you call a deer with no eyes??
No – eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??
STILL NO – EYE-DEER!!!
……… I’ll get me coat……
Reply by SelsdonLion 2nd May 2021 at 10:28 pm
Well what a weird day! First, I find a hat full of money, then this mad guy starts chasing me down the road with a guitar!
Reply by SelsdonLion 2nd May 2021 at 10:31 pm
Before I got married, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge 😳
Reply by Annie-Mel 2nd May 2021 at 10:43 pm
I bought a dog from the Blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.
Don’t know why, but that joke really tickles me 😂
Reply by devman825 3rd May 2021 at 7:02 am
I went to my local bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” is all I need. Not all this “how did you get in my house?!” business.
Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail 3rd May 2021 at 1:55 pm
People who live in East Ham are considered to be close to losing their mind…
Reply by adeliza0165 3rd May 2021 at 8:14 pm
When I need a good laugh I will watch a daft episode ‘allo allo’🤣
Reply by CAAS 4th May 2021 at 10:55 am
II went to the Vets, and said “I’m worried about my cat”
The Vet asked “Is it a Tom?”
“No, I’ve bought with me”
A Bloke and his Wife are going out to Celebrate their Wedding Anniversary .The wife comes down stairs and says “Look . I wore this on our very first date and it still fits”
Her Husband looks at her and says “It’s a scarf”
Reply by devman825 4th May 2021 at 6:00 pm
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail 5th May 2021 at 8:39 am
This isn’t a joke it actually happened…
I attended a work meeting years ago…a woman said to me, you weren’t at the last meeting, why was that? Reply… we went for a long weekend in Derbyshire. She said Oh that sounds good, did you visit Bakewell? Yes I said we really enjoyed it. She…It’s where I grew up..it’s where the tarts come from.