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  • When we need a laugh

    Need some good jokes to make the day

    Posted by devman825
    • Reply by devman825

      I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

    • Reply by devman825

      Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has never had to reboot a computer.

    • Reply by devman825

      Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff. 🙂

    • Reply by devman825

      This has to be one of the best jokes I have ever read, I still howl laughing every time I read it.

      Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

      Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

      Here are the scorecards from the event:

      CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

      JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

      JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

      FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

      CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

      JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

      JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

      FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

      CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

      JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

      JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

      FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.

      CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

      JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

      JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

      FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

      CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

      JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

      JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

      FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !

      CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

      JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

      JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

      FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

      CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

      JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

      JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

      FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a [email protected]&$ thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

      CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

      JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

      JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.

      FRANK: – – – – – Mama?- – – (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

      Cheers
      David
      My Sister told me: “Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.”

      • Reply by loislane

        Oh my god, I’m just crying with laughter…the best yet

        • Reply by devman825

          LOL imagine poor Frank 🤣😂👀

        • Reply by Heva 01

          I farted and four people behind me needed a paramedic, oh my god, I’m crying!🤣

      • Reply by Heva 01

        That is so funny, where do you get these jokes from! 🤣🤣🤣

        • Reply by devman825

          I use DuckDuckGo and it scours the web for funny jokes, I read the Texas Chile joke a couple of years ago and could never find it….until now 😉

          Cheers
          David
          I got into an argument with a mime once, then I had to silence him.

        • Reply by Heva 01

          Love them, so funny, made my day!

    • Reply by CAAS

      Two Fish in a Tank. One turns to the other and says
      “You sure, you know how to Drive this thing?”

      Two Parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other
      “Can you smell Fish?”

      • Reply by devman825

        Awesome!
        🙂 🙂 🙂

        Cheers
        David
        My friend bought me a book on procrastination. I haven’t opened it yet.

    • Reply by Fluff

      I used to work in a Shoe shop but I got the Boot !

    • Reply by Lel

      What d’you call a deer with no eyes??

      No – eye-deer.

      What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??

      STILL NO – EYE-DEER!!!

      ……… I’ll get me coat……

      • Reply by Marica

        😀

    • Reply by Marica

      Any gardeners there??

      Attachments:
      • Reply by devman825

        hahahaha

        Added to my bucket list lol

        Cheers
        David
        What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

      • Reply by loislane

        Great idea

    • Reply by Marica

      My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby

    • Reply by Marica

      A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
      The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
      And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now

    • Reply by Marica

      Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels

      Ok I shall stop now before I get kicked off the group!

    • Reply by SelsdonLion

      Well what a weird day! First, I find a hat full of money, then this mad guy starts chasing me down the road with a guitar!

      • Reply by devman825

        🙂 🙂

        Cheers
        David
        Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?

    • Reply by SelsdonLion

      Before I got married, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge 😳

      • Reply by devman825

        Oh so true 🙂

        Cheers
        David
        They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it…

      • Reply by loislane

        Haha

    • Reply by Annie-Mel

      I bought a dog from the Blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.

      Don’t know why, but that joke really tickles me 😂

      • Reply by devman825

        Hahaha! I got it lol

        Good one 😉

        Cheers
        David
        Saying “super size it” at the drive-thru doesn’t work when it’s a pharmacy.

    • Reply by devman825

      I went to my local bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”

      Cheers
      David
      If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” is all I need. Not all this “how did you get in my house?!” business.

    • Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail

      Women do all kinds of work these days…but there are still a few things they don’t…working a lathe?..no the lady’s not for turning

    • Reply by Ian1964

      My budgie fell of his perch and broke his legs.

      I used two match’s for splits

      Should have seen his little face light up

    • Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail

      People who live in East Ham are considered to be close to losing their mind…

      • Reply by devman825

        Oh I don’t get it 🙁

        Cheers
        David
        I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

      • Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail

        They’re only one stop from Barking!

    • Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail

      They’re only one stop from Barking!

    • Reply by devman825

      Ok lol I get it now 🙂

      Cheers
      David
      I like older friends because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.

    • Reply by adeliza0165

      When I need a good laugh I will watch a daft episode ‘allo allo’🤣

      • Reply by devman825

        With you on that one, I watch Only Fools and Horses just can’t get enough of Delboy and Dave (Rodders) 🙂

        Cheers
        David
        I’m single by choice. Unfortunately, it’s not my choice

    • Reply by CAAS

      II went to the Vets, and said “I’m worried about my cat”
      The Vet asked “Is it a Tom?”
      “No, I’ve bought with me”

      A Bloke and his Wife are going out to Celebrate their Wedding Anniversary .The wife comes down stairs and says “Look . I wore this on our very first date and it still fits”
      Her Husband looks at her and says “It’s a scarf”

      • Reply by devman825

        hahahaha! awesome jokes 🙂

        Cheers
        David
        The EU now has 1 GB of free space.

    • Reply by devman825

      I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

    • Reply by devman825

      Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

      Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.

      I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
      My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

      😂🤣🤦‍♂️

    • Reply by CAAS

      How unusual, Flavoured Condoms. I didn’t know you had taste buds down there.

      I Did Star Trek impressions on a show in Northern France.

      Dunkirk?

      Yes and Spock

    • Reply by walkthewalk linuxmail

      This isn’t a joke it actually happened…
      I attended a work meeting years ago…a woman said to me, you weren’t at the last meeting, why was that? Reply… we went for a long weekend in Derbyshire. She said Oh that sounds good, did you visit Bakewell? Yes I said we really enjoyed it. She…It’s where I grew up..it’s where the tarts come from.

    • Reply by TnCake

      I just sneezed on my toast 🙁 I can’t believe it’s snot butter.

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