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What personality trait do you really admire in another?

Even if you only name one now, do come back and add another later …

One of mine is being assertive in a calm, polite, friendly manner (i.e. not with anger)

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5 likes & 211 replies
    • Lindyloo28 23rd March 2021 at 8:26 pm

      Strong character, outgoing personality, kindness, politeness.

      Reply
    • scremer51 23rd March 2021 at 8:51 pm

      Truthfulness … can’t abide liars. I’ve had my fair share of liars and I have to cut them out if my life! If there’s no trust then there’s no friendship I’m afraid. Not wasting my precious time on these people. 😬

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 2:04 pm

        Absolutely!

        If you have had bad experiences with liars, it is no wonder truth is top of your list!

        I have a relative whom I love dearly, but found that he had been lying a lot. However, because it is a relationship I want to keep, I was given good advice to just have no expectation of any truth. Take away the expectation of truth and it isn’t a problem at all. I take what is said with a pinch of salt, and it no longer upsets me. When it comes to choosing a relationship however, then I wouldn’t bother either!

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        • scremer51 24th March 2021 at 3:03 pm

          These were lying men in relationships… I seem to be a magnet for liars and sociopaths!
          On my own now and it’s great !

          I have had friends (acquaintances actually) who also lie … But harmless stuff. But does make me wary.

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 8:00 pm

          I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. Not nice at all, and when you are and want to be a trusting person, to be lied to is really upsetting. Ugh!!

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        • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 8:05 pm

          Is honesty always the best policy or would life become more difficult if we were all 100% truthful 100% of the time?

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        • scremer51 24th March 2021 at 8:26 pm

          Yes it is the best policy! I would rather have the pain of the truth than the fallout of a lie.

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        • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 8:42 pm

          I think you’re very brave! But then if those truths are delivered kindly then I’m sure you are correct!

          Rest Less, making a better world one discussion at a time!

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 9:01 pm

          I would rather hear the truth, but in doing so, I also have to listen, really listen, even if what the other person has to say may be unpalatable.

          So if they feel aggrieved about something I have said or done, or the way I have said or done it, I have to listen to what they have to say about it, and take it on the chin. No butting in. No defensive stance. Not challenging them. No arguing back. Just listen. When you have heard what they have said, and they feel heard, then you can share how you felt about it.

          It is however better if when expressing your truth not to be accusatory to the other person, but to explain how you felt about what happened, your interpretation of what was said or done, and just tell it from your own point of view. Not ‘you did this, you always do that’ – not make the sort of statements in which heckles rise.

          It ‘aint easy and its not what we do is it? But if the space between you is safe and you know you will be heard and understood, dialogue will improve massively.

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      • Lindyloo28 26th March 2021 at 10:38 am

        Yes I understand what you mean cannot understand people who lie, as truth nearly always comes out. Like you I don’t waste my time on people who lie, there’s no point.

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    • 23rd March 2021 at 9:06 pm

      Passion – not heaving bosoms type, but for art or gardening or whatever floats your boat. To be able to talk about something with enthusiasm is priceless.

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    • Apollo 23rd March 2021 at 9:08 pm

      Mine is being determined in a calm and positive manner

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    • kiplin69 23rd March 2021 at 9:26 pm

      recent experience has shown me honesty and loyalty are pretty high priority.

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    • Sirah 23rd March 2021 at 9:27 pm

      Honesty

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:58 pm

        Sirah .. so important to so many. I have had to learn how to cope with dishonesty from a family member – its hard when you know what they are saying can’t possibly be true. However, because they are a close relative and I don’t want to fall out with them, I can chat freely with them and enjoy their company, and have no expectation at all that what they are saying is true, in fact I take it as they say it. I may or may not believe it, but I am at ease with it. I certainly wouldn’t choose a dishonest friend!

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        • Sirah 24th March 2021 at 10:05 pm

          Wow! You’re a better woman than I am! That takes true willpower. 🙏🏼

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 25th March 2021 at 3:03 am

          I was given the advice to take this approach and it worked.

          I first had to ask myself whether I wanted a relationship with this person.

          Having decided I did, I told them that I didn’t want to fall out with them, that I loved them, but that if we met, I wanted the dialogue between us to be honest and authentic.

          The third thing was when we met up, I went with no expectation of honesty at all. In fact I went with the expectation that he would in all probability not tell me the complete truth.

          The fourth thing was that when we met for the first time after I found out, I didn’t talk about the lying. I didn’t ask about the lying, I didn’t have a go at him about the lies he had told and I had found out about. I did however ask him if he knew why he might have started to be economical with the truth (in a non confrontational way) in the context of childhood – of many years ago. When we talked about every day life, his work, his personal life, he was free to say what he liked. If it wasn’t true that was ok. We had dialogue and contact, and that was what the important thing. If he wanted to make up stories I wasn’t going to challenge. I have no idea whether he is telling me the truth or not. That’s ok with me.

          I don’t know if that makes me a better person than anyone, or have willpower. I just realised that if I wanted the relationship I needed to stop picking at my wound by getting as many digs in as I could. He knew I knew he had been lying. He knew I didn’t want him to lie anymore. I didn’t contradict what he told me. I don’t know if it was true or not but be were enjoying friendly conversation.

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    • GreginYorkshire 23rd March 2021 at 9:31 pm

      Empathy, definitely.

      Reply
    • Globetrotter15 23rd March 2021 at 10:03 pm

      Believe it or not.
      When I was a younger I could have won a prize for being seriously shy
      which carried on into my teens.
      Only when I worked at sea on Passenger Liners when I was 19 did I come out of my shell.
      Now I am supremely confident to the point of owning two restaurants etc.
      My advice to anyone who wants to stop laking confidence is
      stop over thinking it.
      People don’t bite.
      Next time you’re out try making conversation with someone stood at the bus stop or in the queue at your
      supermarket.
      What have you got to loose?

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      • Lindyloo28 26th March 2021 at 10:42 am

        I was a bit reserved when younger, but now will talk to anyone, most interesting conversation ever had was with an ex Naval man in Malta who was in his 80’s his experiences in life were unbelievable. You never know when you get talking what you will learn!

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    • Globetrotter15 23rd March 2021 at 10:17 pm

      I always admire self confidence.
      People who can speak with easy to anyone.
      Quite softly spoken gentle smiley People.
      Genuine open warm
      Inviting.
      Not always but people have got up & done something with their lives.
      Not always but well traveled adventurous people who just get of the bus without 1st booked accommodation
      It goes on but you get the gist?

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    • Deleted User 23rd March 2021 at 10:21 pm

      empathy.

      Reply
    • spanishtoday2 23rd March 2021 at 11:28 pm

      Why admire others? I rather like me and my traits.

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    • Filmmaker 24th March 2021 at 4:05 am

      I think the ability to be impartial and fair, I work with someone that I can honestly say she has no favourites, she treats everyone the same, if you do something wrong, she has a word with you and once dealt with its never brought up again, it’s very rare to experience this, as sometimes people bare grudges

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    • Countrylover101 24th March 2021 at 4:56 am

      Kindness and loyalty are the most important ones for me.

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:52 pm

        Hi Countrylover. I think I have always had loyal friends, and I think I have been fortunate for that. It makes me wonder seeing so many mention it here whether I have taken it for granted. However I give my loyalty too of course. Hmmm food for thought!

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    • Spring 24th March 2021 at 8:04 am

      Kindness above all else and not just during these difficult time – always ❤️

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    • g 24th March 2021 at 8:48 am

      The difference between assertion and aggression is gender.. sadly being female and assertive is viewed by both males and females as aggressive.

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:50 pm

        Very difficult and yes that can very much be the case. I don’t think it always is. I wonder if it only happens where someone doesn’t like to see a woman being assertive. Maybe that is their problem and then consider it to be aggressive. You definitely have a point though there G.

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      • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 8:15 pm

        Surely not g?

        Does that not do a genuine disservice to both genders?

        I have known, worked with (and for), been friends with, liked and respected some incredibly assertive women!

        Whilst I have known, worked with (and for), challenged, disliked and disregarded some men who were just aggressive numpties!

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 8:50 pm

          I have seen it though Andy. Some can be quite unkind about the assertiveness of a woman. I say ‘someone’ because it can be a man or a woman who might comment on a woman who is assertive: ‘the dragon’ or ‘the witch’ for example. They will have their reasons: jealousy, resentment, chip on shoulder type scenario. They aren’t all as kind hearted as you Andy, giving people the benefit of the doubt.

          I haven’t experienced it personally though, although I have had to be assertive at times. However I have experienced bullying from a male who saw me as competition (which I was but I was also better at the job than him!! but that is a whole other ball game!)

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        • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 8:56 pm

          Oh I know it goes on, however I hope (if this is an appropriate hope – and hopefully it is, because the alternative is hopeless) that this is about individuals not about gender!

          If gender underpins these attitudes then as Private Frazer would have said, “we’re doomed, we’re all doomed!”.

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 9:10 pm

          So the original point was that both men and women can consider an assertive woman to be aggressive

          Are you saying that assertive men may also be considered aggressive by both men and women? I am wondering if I have thought an assertive male is ever aggressive. I probably would just think the male was being aggressive, and wouldn’t even give him a quality of assertive .. which is an interesting thought.

          I suppose there are different ways in which people assert themselves – and maybe it depends on how comfortable they feel about asserting their authority (angrily, aggressively, flirtatiously, calmly, rationally, defensively, persuasively etc etc. A colleague once jokingly said to me years and years ago when I was in my 20s .. when we were talking about assertiveness over lunch .. ‘and sometimes Gill you can even be assertive without being offensive’. He laughed, and I am pretty sure he was joking, because I would hope I were never offensive.

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    • diane.offord59 24th March 2021 at 8:56 am

      kindness and treating people with respect, especially in the workplace. Also not to judge people as you don’t know all the facts. Basically “Do (and treat) others as you would want to be treated yourself”.

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:47 pm

        Kindness in the workplace – there’s a thing. We are encouraged to be kind, and then you hear someone talking about someone else, and not being tolerant or understanding. That isn’t kind. Kindness is not just how you treat someone to their face, its also not being unkind about them when they aren’t there. Some just don’t get that – and of course Diane that is where treating people with respect comes from!

        Oh yes, I agree not judging. We don’t know all the facts, and we don’t actually know the path another treads .. so the way someone may react to a situation has a whole history of life experiences behind that action.

        That’s one of mum’s rules. Do as you would be done by’. We were taught that from a very young age!

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    • THISISIT 24th March 2021 at 10:15 am

      Warmth and kindness, as Charlie Mackesey says in his book “The boy, the mole and the horse … “nothing beats kindness, it sits quietly beyond all things ……. I suppose it could be said it’s an action rather than a trait .. maybe the desire to express kindness .. be it a smile or a simple hello or making a meal for someone who cannot … comes from possessing this trait! X

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:42 pm

        Hi Thisisit

        Someone on here (Andy) posted about trait and behaviour and whether there was a difference. Some of the adjectives used for a personality trait are behaviours too. Being kind and doing acts of kindness. I think there is also a difference between trying to be kind, and being kind in your heart .. oh I’m not sure I am explaining that one properly!!!! doh!

        I don’t know that quote or Charlie Mackesey .. I feel a google coming on. Lovely to meet you!

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      • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 8:04 pm

        Like most of the traits, behaviours and actions discussed within this thread kindness is probably a mixture of all three!

        However, if pushed I’d argue that kind has more of a bias towards trait than the other options!

        You can deliver the same message in a kind or a cruel way – it takes no longer and achieves the same outcome but if done with kindness it wounds less!

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 9:35 pm

          Do you think its true to say that people can be kind, but they are not necessarily kind people? So they can behave in a kind way when they want / need to, but not necessarily be naturally unthinkingly kind people at heart.

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        • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 10:29 pm

          Now that is a genius question!

          And takes us right back to the start of the thread!

          Behaviour can be learnt (maybe learned – we need a teacher for that one! Is there a Teacher in the room?) a trait is inate – what is the difference between the two?

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        • Carol.L 24th March 2021 at 10:40 pm

          The old nature v nurture question. Are we born having an innate sense of kindness or is to due to our upbringing and observaion of significant people in our lives as we grow up and mature?

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        • Andy Paddles 24th March 2021 at 11:13 pm

          That question – Worthy of a thread all of its own I think Carol!

          The saying “give me a child until he (I imagine girls are the same but you’d have to ask Aristotle!) is 7 and I’ll show you the man”.

          I suspect some would agree, others wouldn’t?!?

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    • Janeemason 24th March 2021 at 11:26 am

      I think mine is showing genuine interest in people and their stories.

      Everyone has something to say, but we don’t always stop and take the time to properly listen.

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:38 pm

        I agree there. I also find that sometimes I think I have heard what someone has said, but have ended up putting my own spin on it in my head and its not what they meant at all!! So now I really try hard to hear what someone says, and try to ensure I have understood their point. I think we all need to be heard.

        I have always been interested in people – and have been accused (by my sister) of asking too many questions. At a formal dinner they deliberately sat me next to someone who others found it difficult to engage in conversation with. I enjoyed learning all about the harp and those on the table were glad I was there! Lol. I didn’t mind. I was interested and so I was asking questions about it! Amazing instrument!

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    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 11:30 am

      Caring, reliable, considerate ,Passion-able ,honest ,trustworthy, absolute fun to be around with. sometimes shy , sometimes emotional ,sometimes angry, a mixture of everything it’s me. what you see is what you get. 🤣😂

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:35 pm

        Hello Alive.. glad you are joining in on this one. Its a busy old post, but I think Rest Less included a link on an email!

        I used to be so shy, so sometimes, in a noisy crowd, I am more like to revert to observer than be life and soul. I am also more emotional than angry if anything, although less so these days. I have noticed your sense of humour and I am certain you like a laugh!!!

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    • Relaxation 24th March 2021 at 3:57 pm

      Single mindedness. To believe in yourself and the cause you stand for with confidence regardless of critics.

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    • Colin in Kent 24th March 2021 at 7:38 pm

      I find the ability to pipe down and listen to what I have to say a very attractive trait. Whether in man or woman, I’m not fussed.

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 25th March 2021 at 7:07 pm

        Yes someone who gives you a chance to speak up, instead of interrupting before you finish your point .. is that what you mean Colin?

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        • Colin in Kent 25th March 2021 at 7:39 pm

          Well, in this brave new world of Zoom meetings it’s often very difficult to get any word in edgewise, let alone finish!

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 25th March 2021 at 7:41 pm

          Absolutely.. in fact its easier just to listen and watch unless you are running the meeting of course!

          We have one guy in the office who always carries on talking over everyone.

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        • Colin in Kent 25th March 2021 at 7:44 pm

          These days a lot better to leave yourself on mute. Most of the meetings are tedium incarnate, and most people don’t even pay attention – there are a lot of people who, when asked something, say ‘I’m sorry, what was the question’ or ‘You broke up there for a moment’…

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    • THISISIT 24th March 2021 at 8:16 pm

      The ability to listen to what you have to say?

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    • Grapes 24th March 2021 at 10:48 pm

      Effectionat thoughtful

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    • marian74785 25th March 2021 at 9:09 am

      I admire people who display humility, honesty, kindness and gentleness. My Dad was that person.

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    • Deleted User 25th March 2021 at 10:12 am

      Compassion

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    • Deleted User 25th March 2021 at 10:14 am

      Compassion

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    • Christopher Leslie 25th March 2021 at 1:50 pm

      Honesty and a sense of humour for me unfortunately it’s getting difficult to find honesty nowadays we are too worried that it will offend people with different opinions

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 25th March 2021 at 6:58 pm

        Well I certainly don’t like to antagonise as I don’t like conflict. I have opinions on things but I am not wedded to them, so like to hear someone else’s point of view in case it influences my thinking one way of the other.

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        • Christopher Leslie 25th March 2021 at 8:51 pm

          Agreed I’m always ready to have my opinion changed if it’s genuinely wrong and always will listen to another point of view but it seems many are brainwashed into following the latest trends in what’s correct. For example there was an outcry recently because someone was referred to as a person who menstrate that person commented that there used to be a word for that a woman. Immediately people were up in arms as the word woman is offensive to people who were not women but wanted to be

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        • Anonymous User (no longer active) 25th March 2021 at 9:17 pm

          🤦‍♀️

          I guess it’s down to an individuals sensitivity- but it’s hard to know what is media hype and agitation sometimes. I avoid news reporting from certain quarters and some papers you really have to look for the quotes to know what was actually said (which is often very little) and take the rest with a pinch of salt.

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    • Christopher Leslie 26th March 2021 at 1:44 am

      Very true it was an interview with J K Rowling for some magazine. The interviewer referred to her as a person who menstrates she replied that there used to be a word for that. A woman. I caused a fuss and outrage with accusations of Rowling being antl LBGT. Im now curious as to what the WOKE lable is for men. I may regret this. Suggestions anybody?

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      • Anonymous User (no longer active) 26th March 2021 at 8:12 am

        Do you know, I think it rather sad actually. Not all people born female at birth menstruate, so does that make them any less of a woman because they can’t bear children? If the LGBT groups (and I assume it wasn’t media hype) were offended by her remark, its very sad that they can’t also see that by stating their position on this could have offended many who were born female, and may indeed have really struggled with not being able to have children.

        I would far rather everyone be considerate of another person’s position when fighting a cause. We can all become so blinkered about our own situation, and not realise that points we might wish to make could offend/upset another.

        I am not against LGBT – I think it is far better that people find inner peace by being who they feel they were really born to be, and not feel they have to conform to how others think they should live. If you feel you are a woman, then you are one. You not menstruate, you may have had breasts removed due to cancer treatment, but if you identify yourself as being a woman, then that is what you are.

        On a final note, how did that interviewer know JKR menstruated – they don’t, they made an assumption, it could have offended her. We just have to be careful.

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    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 30th March 2021 at 2:52 pm

      For me it has to be Intellectual, thoughtful, charismatic, platonic, eccentricity.

      So a bit like dating your weirdo best friend😏😂🤣

      Reply
    • Sonny1234 17th April 2021 at 12:15 pm

      I think this covers a lot of areas in a persons behaviour along with good manners with respect .

      Reply
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