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VFP Posted 8 months ago
To stay or go?

I have just spent a few days with my daughter and her family at a Centre Parcs.. My kids were born in Solihull, both moved to London and both moved back, living near each other in Birmingham with their kids. This lovely little holiday break made me realise how much I am missing them. I moved to paradise – a village in the Peak District with wonderful neighbours – with my husband in 2013 but he passed away mid 2020. Before he died, we both decided it would be best for me to stay here, but I am living in a house too big for me, on my own with my dog. Has anyone been in this predicament?

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2 likes & 28 replies
    • SteveKent 7th October 2021 at 8:40 am

      I know a few people rattling around in places to big for one. Thing is are you happy and can you afford to move back, would that move ensure happiness?

      Reply
      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 9:53 am

        Thanks for responding, Steve. I am happy where I live and can afford to move back so I can do what I want. But in a way I am living in the past in my home, where I have been so happy, and am not sure that is a good thing to do. If I move, I will also be ‘moving on’, but I’m not sure that’s the right thing either. Before this little holiday I never considered moving at all. I am happy in myself, just a bit lonely and loving my grandkids.

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    • KayMull 7th October 2021 at 9:39 am

      I always think as you get older you should ‘move to people not places’. It would depend on your social circle where you are, but if moving would mean seeing your family and especially your grandchildren more often then I’d consider it. You only get one chance to see your grandchildren grow and they soon grow away from you, so it depends on what age they are now. Good luck whatever you decide to do x

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      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 10:01 am

        Thank you so much Kay. My mother, sisters and brother etc are in Canada, so my only UK family is there. I agree you should move to people not places and my kids really want me to move nearer to them, saying that they have no intention of moving anywhere else. But how do I leave where I consider to be paradise? My kids visit quite often and there is enough room for them to visit together.

        I know no one can give me the right answer, but posting my quandary and reading your responses is helping me think more clearly about it x

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    • KayMull 7th October 2021 at 10:29 am

      You say where you live is ‘paradise’ – is that just the view or the lifestyle and friends? You can take all the lovely memories you made with your husband with you, don’t forget. The one thing I would say is that if your grandchildren are older (12 – teenagers) don’t move JUST to be nearer them. It’s not cool to spend time with grandma when you’re that age, and they won’t unless coerced 😕, but if they are still very young I’d value every second of that innocence as it doesn’t last long. NB – teenage grandchildren do ‘come back’ to you as they get even older if you’ve always had a good relationship with them as youngsters. 😁😁

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      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 12:41 pm

        Where I live the views are beautiful and the people are warm and friendly. This is why it is paradise for me. My grandkids are aged between 6 months and 3.5 years and are, of course, amazing 🙂. Things to think about…

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    • Island Hopper 7th October 2021 at 10:30 am

      Hi there. I understand how you feel, but I would give it time to make your decision. You’re still feeling the buzz of the great holiday, and that’s not the best place to be in to make a rational decision. I would also like to add that, if you do make the move, and things don’t turn out the way you expect, you will really feel the loss of the house and environment you presently treasure. It would be such a shame to have to move yet again, and very upsetting. I hope you make the right decision x

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    • VFP 7th October 2021 at 12:44 pm

      Thanks so much for your advice, Island Hopper. I agree I need to give it time to make the right decision. Life, which was always too short, feels even shorter now x

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    • KayMull 7th October 2021 at 12:46 pm

      Definitely not a decision to be made lightly. I see sleepless nights ahead!

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    • Brad_66 7th October 2021 at 12:49 pm

      Tough one. I live on my in Solihull and I love it. I have a friend who hates living alone. So it’s down to attitude. The Peak District is not that far. You could plan alternate trips each month, to keep in touch with your family. I’m sure they’d love visiting every couple of months. As much as I love Solihull, if I lived where you do, I’d be loath to leave it. Keep us posted 😊

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      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 3:00 pm

        My kids love visiting every couple of months, and so do my step kids and friends. When you live here you do get visitors. I also visit my kids, but not as much as they would like. This has been due to the pandemic and the impact of bereavement. Thanks so much, Brad, for your comment, it and all the others are really helpful.

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    • loislane 7th October 2021 at 12:52 pm

      As island hopper said not a good time to be making a huge decision.
      Definitely give it some more thought.
      Write down all the pros and cons.
      Do you want to become a permanent babysitter.
      I’ve been to Birmingham, not the greatest place to live but then there must be nice areas.
      Making new friends, you’re very personable.
      Your family already have their lives, grandchildren grow up, usually ignore grandparents, so would you end up being lonely?
      They can all come to you for a holiday as you say.
      If you’re happy with your home still, memories then perhaps it’s not time to move yet.
      I’m also not a grandparent yet so i don’t know how that feels.
      I know I’ve been on holiday and wanted to stay, but that feeling goes when I’ve got back to my life, although, I’d gladly leave my life as it is now.
      Viv, I know you will think about everything, think it through and reach the best decision for you.😁

      Reply
      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 3:12 pm

        Thanks for your comments and really valid points. I know that if I lived near my daughter I would be doing lots of her housework and cooking although I could learn to stop doing that, but the urge to do this is stronger than me! I would definitely be the babysitter, but I don’t mind that – better me than a stranger. I suppose I could make new friends, but it would mean leaving the ones which have taken years to develop, behind.

        I will just have to take my time and figure this all out ❤

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    • Reverend Nick 7th October 2021 at 1:32 pm

      As someone who lives just outside the Peak District (it carefully skirts round the environs of Matlock Bath) It’s a great place to live – provided you live in the right place! There are villages with no shops or facilities, buses only once a day -on there other hand where I live there is a train to Derby and Nottingham, a charming branch line, which is a pleasure to travel on. Lots of shops to cater for the holiday-makers, likewise pubs and eateries. Wonderful scenery. Living here as age creeps on is not a liability at all. Yes, there are a lot of holiday lets – both the houses next to us, but only last week one of the people staying next door, seeing us up and about, invited us round for G&Ts. We had a delightful afternoon.

      You don’t say in your post whether your family have talked about the possibility of your moving closer to them. The other factor is, do they have the kind of job that might require them to move to another part of the country every so often?

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    • Vixster 7th October 2021 at 3:07 pm

      My view is to go and live near your grandkids as they will really get to know you then. As you get older you will also appreciate the support of your children. My mother in law refused to move near either of her kids, her friends and nice neighbours have moved so she is now quite isolated and 2 hours drive away from family. It is difficult for everyone.

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      • VFP 7th October 2021 at 3:23 pm

        Thanks Vixster, I have considered this point and it really is a valid one. It’s just a tough decision for me.

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    • VFP 7th October 2021 at 3:21 pm

      Your comment is much appreciated, Rev Nick. You could say that they have been putting the pressure on me to move for awhile. Both kids are happily settled where they are and made the decision to live in Birmingham after living in London for their jobs, because they just prefer Birmingham and I don’t think they will ever move elsewhere. If there was any chance of that, I wouldn’t consider moving closer to them.

      Many thanks for your input. Perhaps it’s now time for me to not think about this for awhile, so that everything can sort of simmer until the answer bubbles up. This is what I do when I don’t know what to do, and everyone’s comments are helping with the ‘simmering’ 🙂.

      Reply
      • loislane 7th October 2021 at 4:03 pm

        Good idea to.put it on the back burner for a while and live as you’ve been doing.
        All I can say is I’m glad Im living where I am during the strife of COVID, away from a lot of people, no fighting here in queues or over food so that was a blessing.

        Reply
    • Longhotsummer1 7th October 2021 at 4:13 pm

      Go to your family , its a chance to be near them all and that live brings ,
      do it ASAP, you only get one chance in this life .

      Reply
    • VFP 7th October 2021 at 5:25 pm

      Thanks so much for your advice, Longhotsummer.

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    • Deleted User 7th October 2021 at 7:09 pm

      I am sorry and saddened to hear of your bereavement. I have found that life moves forward in leaps and I have been very attracted to the ideas contained in the book by Gail Sheehy “Passages” in which she posits that every 10 years or so we reassess our lives and suggests we use these crises to move forward. Quote – “Growth demands a temporary surrender of security”. Your crisis has been forced on you but perhaps the sentiment still applies. You are moving into a new phase of your life. Your life with your husband in the Peak District sounds idyllic but maybe this is the time to surrender your security of place to move on. Best wishes.

      Reply
    • VFP 7th October 2021 at 8:03 pm

      I had so many challenges for so long, but meeting my beloved husband and moving here was like being rewarded for overcoming them and life was truly idyllic. Now I have to find myself again and I can understand your words ‘surrender your security of place to move on’. It takes strength and courage to do this. Thank you Steve, for sharing your wisdom.

      Reply
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