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Sunshine 8 Posted 11 months ago
Thinking of moving to be nearer to my daughter and family. Any advice? I’m very lonely but is this the answer???!
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5 likes & 45 replies
    • K1 5th July 2021 at 8:45 am

      My husband and I recently moved and one of the reasons was to be nearer my daughter. But I’ve not seen anymore of her than before I moved. Too busy with her own life. Yeah

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    • bigpat 5th July 2021 at 9:06 am

      go for it babe xxxxxxxx

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    • vaughanpauline 5th July 2021 at 10:49 am

      For me a lot would depend on which offspring it was I was thinking of moving to, some temperaments are easier to deal with than others.

      It would also depend where said offspring was living.

      I’d make sure it was an area that I would be happy in and of course suitable accommodation being available. I’d like to know what facilities are available locally for our age group.

      Also how does offspring and spouse feel about the move? Not everyone wants their mother in law living nearby.

      All that said I’d love to see my grandchildren grow up and I think the last year and more have shown us all how desirable close families are

      At the end of the day the decision has to be yours and yours alone. At least that way if it all goes wrong there’s only yourself to blame

      Pauline

      Footnote
      If your very unsure why not see if you can rent something nearby for an extended period, give you time to see how it goes?

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      • Sunshine 8 5th July 2021 at 5:48 pm

        Thank you so much Pauline, it’s such a difficult decision and as much as want to be near family especially grandchildren I have to realise they have their own lives to live. I may possibly be as lonely even though I’m nearer, I know I need to build my own life just hard sometimes. Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts

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    • Colin in Kent 5th July 2021 at 11:10 pm

      Have you discussed the move with them, or suggested that you are feeling this loneliness? Is helping something your daughter and her family would be enthusiastic about? Could you be using them as a solution to something you need to answer on your own terms, perhaps with new friends or outside interests? It’s really difficult, and whilst only you can decide if you want to up sticks and move, if the intention is that you can then use your daughter to fill a void, you may be casting her in a role for which she’s unsuited or unwilling, and you’ll end up still lonely. I suppose what I’m saying is could you ask yourself what it is you’re looking for from her, and could that come from elsewhere?

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    • Sunshine 8 6th July 2021 at 7:05 am

      Hi Colin you are so right, my daughter bless her has her own life and my grandchildren are growing up so quickly. The time is definitely coming when I will be no longer needed to help out. Like you say I’m realising this void in my life and I know I have to work out what is best for me and actually do something about it! Thank you so much for your wise words!

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      • Colin in Kent 6th July 2021 at 9:34 am

        That’s half the battle, realising what you need. You mention that outwardly you have a very busy life, so it seems loneliness rather than inactivity or lack of opportunities is what’s driving your unhappiness. But you can still be lonely in a crowd of people, so maybe it’s a particular type or depth of friendship that you need?

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    • Heyjude68 6th July 2021 at 7:23 am

      Unfortunately that’s very valid point the fact that our kids have their own lives which as we know can be all consuming for all the right reasons. That doesn’t mean you can’t move to be nearer and become more involved on some level. If you have nothing to lose then you have everything to gain. Don’t make it all about them though find friends through different interests so have best of both worlds. A 102 yr old told me join a ramblers group then make friends too. You need to put yourself out there to stop feeling lonely poss easier said than done but worth a try. I suppose I am guilty of landing on friends n family as pass by or organised but it nice to make the effort. Big decision so write all pros n cons down. Good luck ❤️

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      • Sunshine 8 6th July 2021 at 8:18 am

        I know how right your words are, I need to pick myself up and get on with making the effort! Anyone who knows me thinks I have a very full life, yes I’m always busy yet I only know it’s the distraction from the loneliness I feel inside and that’s what I need to deal with. Thank you for your reply x

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        • Shereen 10th September 2021 at 3:08 pm

          Just wondered how far away from you your daughter lives? And whether you have moved nearer to her yet or are in the process of doing so?

          I also wanted to say that my 3 middle aged daughters all live within a 5 mile radius of my house and although I get on well with the younger two, I still rarely ever see them or even speak to them on the phone because they have their own lives and problems to deal with. So I’m still lonely and bored and like you, I know that somehow or other, it’s not up to them to fill my time – it’s entirely up to me to try and find something to do to occupy myself. Trouble is, I don’t know how to find a club that I can get to on a bus and that does something I might be interested in? Then there’s the worry that nobody will like me or want to talk to me when I’m there 🙁

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    • Bryony 6th July 2021 at 10:29 am

      Wow such good advice from everyone! I’m in the same position but I moved from Devon to be closer to my daughter then she fell out with me over a upset . I was devastated and distraught though we are ok now.
      Iv learned to try and live my life now with new friends and hobbies she is living her life it’s so difficult when you’ve been so close.

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      • Sunshine 8 6th July 2021 at 9:31 pm

        Thank you so much for sharing, I’m really worried about the possibility of falling out with my daughter too. So moving to be closer leaving what I know behind is such a big step. Wish I had had three or four children I’m terrified my one and only daughter will feel under pressure me being closer. As I get older she may feel I’m a burden and I would never want that to be the case. Such a big decision, first estate agent around tomorrow morning x

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    • Sixpence 6th July 2021 at 3:10 pm

      Have you spoken to your daughter. If she’s enthusiast then do it but if she isn’t might be bad move

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      • Sunshine 8 6th July 2021 at 9:36 pm

        Spoke to her this afternoon and shared my fears with her that she made feel under pressure having me close, like feeling guilty if she didn’t invite me to lunch etc. My daughter was very positive and said a number of her friend’s parents had moved into the area to be closer and they all had had good experiences. Honest truth I’m just scared, it’s a huge decision and a huge change, just frightened of getting it wrong. Well I suppose as the saying goes nothing ventured nothing gained x

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    • Christina Lewis 6th July 2021 at 4:41 pm

      Hi, I have recently separated and am now planning to move to be nearer to my parents and my sister & nieces. They are all delighted and my sons are really supportive of the move too, one of them is coming with me. I don’t really know if its the right thing but I am trying to see it as a new adventure, to not be scared of change and to realise if its turns out to be wrong I can make another change. I hope you find happiness in whatever choice you make.

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      • Sunshine 8 6th July 2021 at 9:26 pm

        Wow thank you for sharing, I’ve been on my own eight years now and have one daughter still in touch with her father. I’m just worried I’ll move nearer and still feel lonely. Like you said it’s about making that brave move. I’m a carer for my mum, and look after my three grandchildren so really I shouldn’t be lonely but I am. Thank you for sharing now I need to be brave x

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    • Angellilly68 7th July 2021 at 2:57 pm

      Hiya hun I’m loanley to maybe we can be friend. My kids have there own lifes and hubby at work alday. Where are u fro.

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    • esther.bray23 8th July 2021 at 5:53 pm

      It depends on how you get on with your daughter and her family at the moment. As for me I don’t get on with her that much as we have our differences . But I was until I went up last weekend thinking of moving to be near her as she now has a new baby and becoming a grandmother for the first time. But she said no.
      You may have a different relationship with your daughter and her family. But I think you need to think about how much you get on with them .

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    • adeliza0165 9th July 2021 at 8:23 am

      We think a lot more of our children than they do of us, so naturally we’re going to be more bonded to them. It’s worse when you’ve been a lone parent and become completely on your own.
      I’ve always had a very good relationship with my children, so it was hard. If I wanted to be closer to one, I’ll be miles away from the other and visa versa.
      As I don’t have a partner to spend more time with, I had to focus more on other things such as work/ work colleagues, hobbies/ interests and my friends.
      I’ve always had a nice little circle of friends but when you have your children, they tend to go into the background a little and then when your children aren’t the main focus anymore, your friends come back into the foreground again but in a slightly different way.
      Some things that happen we can’t control but other things we can. Hope you find a way and fill that gap in your life 😊

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      • Bryony 10th September 2021 at 9:55 am

        Hi just read your post. I’m in the same situation, I want to move but il be leaving my daughters though only hour and half away they live their lives and when I don’t see them I feel I’m not living a life so would like to move closer to the coast by my sons in Wales. Big decision on my own especially nearly 70 but it’s not living at the moment.

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      • Mart492 13th December 2021 at 8:19 am

        Wise advise.

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    • Jacqui 26 10th July 2021 at 3:52 pm

      I have Grandchildren in London and Manchester I stay central so I can visit both . I would love to move near my daughter ….but because of circumstances I can’t. She desperately needs help and it tears me apart I can’t alway be their for her or my grandchildren . 😥 if you move you must have your own life and friends otherwise you will be lonely .

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      • Sunshine 8 10th July 2021 at 6:59 pm

        Thank you so much for sharing, I’m trying hard to make new friends and follow interests. Looking after my elderly mum and helping out with three lively grandchildren does take up quiet a bit of time.

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        • Jacqui 26 10th July 2021 at 7:38 pm

          I’d be happy to talk to you if you think it might help you . After losing my mum last September I am now trying to juggle work and family . Ìf you would like DM me 😄

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    • Deleted User 13th July 2021 at 2:31 pm

      I would be cautious about relying on your daughter and family to ease your loneliness. Have you discussed your motives and reasons with her? It may be she agrees with you and then between you all it all works out. However, if she feels burdened with having to make extra time or put on you could end up in a new strange house away from all your old neighbours and still lonely. (I’m not suggesting this will happen, more playing Devil’s advocate)! Have you explored the local community groups, ramblers, art groups etc where you are now as well as telling your daughter how you feel? Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

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    • A-J 18th July 2021 at 7:52 am

      Dear Sunshine,

      I have arrived at this a bit late but I would like to offer a slightly different perspective.

      You have a difficult dilemma, to move closer or not but it is, as has been said by many people here, about your reasons for moving. That you have identified that you are lonely is a real positive and whilst you do need to sit with it because you have identified with it, you can do something about it! Can you pinpoint the loneliness? Is it missing having a partner? Not having friends for particular interests? Do you actually not like the area that you live in and now realise that you don’t have to stay in it?

      My Mother decided, a number of years ago, to move somewhere halfway’ish between my two brothers, who both had young families. She actually ended up nearer one brother and really, she became the babysitter for him & their friends – she didn’t really make friends of her own. Then, six months after she moved there, my brother and family moved abroad. She continued to babysit for their friends… Then she moved to a market town, ostensibly to be nearer my other brother. However, what has impressed me is that she has really made a life there! She became a local council member, made acquaintances with market stall holders and sometimes covered their stalls for them, began a dog walking service and then she got a job in the town. Basically, she created a life for herself and made new friends. She is always busy! I love it (I live in London) and know that she is, on the whole, happy (which is, I think, a subjective emotion). Her life is not entwined with that of my brother or his children and therefore is much healthier. (she doesn’t really see them that often – pre-covid, I probably saw them more)

      On the flip side, as a daughter, would I like my Mother to move nearer to me? The answer is: no, not if she were looking to me to be her social network and support; yes (but not too close!!), if she were to make her own life, friends, etc.

      I think, for me, it is your reasons for moving closer to your daughter, that maintaining independence from her so that you can stay close and, as has also been said, how she feels about you moving closer are important things to think about and discuss. Plus, do you actually like where she lives, can you see yourself going to a coffee shop by yourself there? Is there somewhere lovely that is closer but not directly with your daughter that you could consider? I would also suggest researching the area for things to do, maybe groups to join – you joined this one!!
      I wish you all the best Sunshine and take your time to decide and look around. X

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      • Bryony 10th September 2021 at 10:01 am

        Very well said. I am in that predicament and gave been for a number of years but scared to do something about it .

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    • TmonT 18th July 2021 at 8:20 am

      I had a friend that did this His daughters husband was then transferred one year later to another part of country So he ended up worse off cause he hadn’t built up a friendship group at that time
      Just think long an hard before going

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    • Lulu11louise 5th September 2021 at 11:09 am

      Do what makes you happy, no guarantees you’ll see more of them

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    • Jillikins 12th September 2021 at 12:22 pm

      My daughter split from her husband and now has a new man. They bought a house 25 minutes from me. It has made a huge difference, I can pop in for a short visit for a cup of tea and to see my grandsons. You don’t have to be on top of each other, short visits are fine. But if you are thinking of moving you should make sure there’s a life for you too, rather than solely relying on your daughter to ease your loneliness.

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    • Nigel67 12th September 2021 at 2:04 pm

      I’m in the same dilemma taking some thoughts

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    • fabry 21st September 2021 at 10:25 pm

      i moved from London to Cumbria to help my daughter with childcare as she wanted to return to work three years later she has moved away and i now live in small village with no transport

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    • Alexandra 2013 22nd September 2021 at 9:59 am

      I went one step further. I was going to move away to be near the sea which would have been wonderful for me & my boys (2xdogs) but that meant no family 😳 my daughter didn’t want me to move so we had a family get together and all chipped in and bought a house, converted the garage, which is now my front room and put extension above which is my bedroom and bathroom so I have my own space if needed. It works perfectly for everyone- my daughter, son-in-law 2 teenagers & 3 dogs so a busy house and we all pull together. It’s not for everyone but we all get on and it works. I’m no longer on my own and we all respect each other’s space 😃

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    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 7th October 2021 at 8:31 pm

      My mum left her home of 40 years to move 50 miles and live near me and my husband. Since then we’ve all moved again and she is now 200m away in a gorgeous bungalow. My own daughter and granddaughter livein the same village – we are in a triangle 200m each way. Our other daughter and partner and grandson are buying a house literally 2 minutes walk away and moving 50 odd miles. Our sonand family are 10 minutes drive away.

      When I met my husband 19 years ago his kids were with their mother 200 miles away, and mine were in London and abroad.

      Now we are all here to support one another and spend some lovely times together. We all also have our own lives.

      It’s not impossible. Entirely depends on the relationship you have with each other. Good luck. X

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    • Pennypitstop 11th October 2021 at 12:36 pm

      This is an idea, could you rent a long term air b nb for a few months, they are quite cheap if you don’t want anything fancy and what you saved on gas and electric, broadband etc in your own home could pay for the rental as bills are included in Air b nb. It might give you some idea if you were going to like the area and change of life. try before you buy 🙂

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    • Hala 29th December 2021 at 9:50 am

      The thing is with loneliness it has a lot to teach . It has driven me into a more adventurous life and yes you shouldn’t rely on family for simply everything- that’s expecting too much you just have to be brave get out there and make a life of your own – that doesn’t mean you can’t move if that’s what you really want .

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    • John 64 21st February 2022 at 11:56 am

      When my daughter was young we were inseparable, loved spending time with her, took her everywhere I went, when I wasn’t working that is, I’d drag her to car shows, Drag racing, club meets, chips on the beach every other week in the camper, showed her off to be honest, she was my world, and I was wrapped around her finger, now she’s all grown up, working, and a family of her own, I hardly see her, and when we do, my little is no where to be seen, and if I sit alone and thing too hard of when she was my little girl, it’s hard to hold back the tears, where has that time gone, now I have a grand daughter, it’s like all over again, and I find myself lucky to be given a second chance, and although me snd my partner are not in a good place right now, I couldn’t think of moving away from them, and just doing what it takes to stay close and enjoy the family,

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    • Handshears 18th March 2022 at 11:32 am

      My wife and I decided to move to the state with our son in order to spend more time with him. Moving is a difficult task. It used to be possible to do with a few suitcases, but we live in the age of materialism and we all have a huge amount of things. Even if it seems that there are not enough of them, as a result, different little things turn into large unaffordable boxes. This is what motivates people to hire high-quality movers who will be able to move your things as accurately as possible. You can easily do this using the https://sekamoving.com/locations/los-angeles-movers/ platform.

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    • TheStitchingGardener 20th March 2022 at 10:12 pm

      But do you have friends – real friends where you live, associations you belong to that you’d have to give up? Your family are likely to have their own lives – if they are out working, kids at school or working themselves. I can only give you my experience from working for a removal company. We have moved a lot of older people – often ladies on their own ‘to be nearer family’ and I can’t tell you the number who phoned us up after a few months, a year even to ask for a price to move them back to their familiar ground. One lady moved to Bedford, she didn’t drive and it wasn’t on a bus route, and she’d moved from a nice seaside town where she could walk into town to visit cafés and see friends. She didn’t see her daughter as she was at work. So moving is only an option if you are sure you would see more of your family or can make a new life and new friends. If not, then try and get out to meet people where you are – the libraries often have chat groups or details of what is going on. Good luck.

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    • John 64 3rd April 2022 at 3:31 am

      Sometime ago, me and my partner planned to move to the West Country and make a new life once the kids had grown up, sell our home of 30 years in East Sussex and start a more relaxing life style, we’d holidayed there every year with the kids in the 90’s, and loved the thought of it, but we now question ourselves, what is most important in life, what’s life about, we now have our fourth grandchild at the age of two, 5 minute drive around the corner, to live hours apart we’d never get to see or feel her growing up, as it is we see her once aweek, and notice changes, we both have interests and hobbies of our own, and get away together when we can, but watching this little girl grow, it’s a big part of our life’s, the family can sometimes be a big pain, but to move away, and see them here and there every two or three months, decided we couldn’t move, they are the meaning of our lives,
      So to you I say “yes”, move closer to your family, it all goes ever so quickly 😊

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      • John 64 3rd April 2022 at 3:42 am

        I’d miss conversations with Sonny (in the profile) he’s so inquisitive, and comes to me for answers, he innocently sees me as a book of knowledge, he’s seen me build cars, play guitar, paint and decorate, plumb and electrics, we discuss the stars and planets , cooking, but in reality, I see my self as stupid, which he’ll eventually find out for himself, but for now I soak him all in, that also applies to George, who between us both, only realized he could print to my printer from his house via WiFi a mile down the road, as he demonstrates by printing a full colour image of himself lol, they both are a great past time, which will both be lost when they find going out with friends and girl friends, that’s life 😔

        Reply
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