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HH 2021 Posted 3 months ago
Open relationships, yes or no?

The reason I’m asking is a friend of mines husband has just asked whether she would think about having an ‘open ‘ relationship. She’s a bit mortified, and is at a loss for words as to what to say to him really. What do people think about them?

Just be interested in hearing people’s points of view really. Whether it would work, or whether it would be the make or break of them? 🤷🤷🤔

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5 likes & 168 replies
    • Gerard371 26th May 2022 at 9:56 am

      Bearing in mind what Dreamboy said, and I’m sure there is other just as horrible stories out there, don’t do it HH2021.

      😁

      Reply
    • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 10:04 am

      Open relationships can work extremely well as long as the needs of both parties are met. This is the crucial thing. Unless both parties are on board it leads to upset, resentment and the erosion of self-esteem.

      A friend of mine is bisexual. He is married to a woman and they have 3 grown up children. They had an open relationship from the very beginning as he is bisexual and so both parties could clearly see that she could not meet all his needs. He has had a few casual relationships outside his marriage and his love for his wife/family life has never lessened. She loves him and always understood that if she wanted to be married to him that this would need to the way. She is happy with him and the life they have.

      They are an extremely happy family.

      It can work. But both parties have to be getting what they need.

      I think your friend needs to decide what she wants and what the cost of it will be. If she likes her life then she needs to accommodate his needs. If she can’t accommodate his needs she needs to split.

      The crucial question here is: does he really want to be with someone else but doesn’t want lose his comfortable life? Is this just an excuse for a legitimised affair? If that’s the case then he needs to split.

      Reply
      • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 12:35 pm

        Thanks for that Forestbather. It’s good to see a different view on something, and in your friends case, that definitely works for them.
        I’m not sure what my friends husbands motive is tbh. I think it could be their lack of a sex life, that has driven him to make this decision.
        I’m not sure after this, whether their marriage can last though. 🤔

        Reply
    • Chojo 26th May 2022 at 11:54 am

      An open relationship isn’t a relationship it’s just an excuse for someone to sleep around but still have someone to share the bills.
      Tell your friend to ditch him fast, he’s probably already cheating anyway.

      Reply
    • patrickjoe 26th May 2022 at 12:45 pm

      most times someone gets hurt but in somecases maybe possible??

      Reply
      • adeliza0165 26th May 2022 at 4:25 pm

        Yes it is possible if you don’t have a conscience or any feelings or you lack love.
        It’s right for the right type of people – the ones who want their cake and everyone’s else’s

        Reply
    • Linpap 26th May 2022 at 1:28 pm

      This is a fascinating topic HH most of the responses on here show we strive to find and want a monogamous relationship and our society is built around that premise but you only have to look around you or read half a dozen posts on here to see that it’s a flawed system and doesn’t work a lot of the time! people get married with high hopes and expectations but then of course life takes all sorts of twists and turns people change want different things it is really hard for two people to live together and be really happy and satisfied together for years and years it can happen and that’s great but realistically it’s not the norm people are always getting hurt feeling cheated betrayed etc etc but maybe we are asking and expecting too much of each other? Perhaps a different type of society maybe a polyamorous one could work better? Just saying…🤷‍♀️😉

      Reply
      • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 2:26 pm

        I completely agree with that Lin. Society’s norm definitely says monogamy is a must but its not always that easy tbh.
        I’d never judge, but I do think it’s a bloody tough decision to make, as it can without a shadow of doubt be the end of a marriage or a relationship.

        You’re right, it is a fascinating subject and definitely not for everyone! Xx

        Reply
        • Chojo 26th May 2022 at 3:12 pm

          Sorry ladies I have to disagree on this. Just because society changes doesn’t mean we have to.
          In my mind you’re either in a relationship and faithful or you if you want to sleep around then end the relationship. Just my opinion of course people are free to choose their own path.

          Reply
        • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 3:58 pm

          I do agree with you too though Chojo, it’s just interesting to hear other people’s point of view. I don’t think my friend for a second thought that this would happen to her and she’s massively struggling with it tbh.
          I put it on here to see what people thought, and sometimes it’s good to have a debate and for people to put their points of view across, whether others think they’re right or wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinions xx

          Reply
        • Chojo 26th May 2022 at 4:02 pm

          Exactly, different opinions are what makes life interesting.
          I really hope it turns out well for your friend, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for her. X

          Reply
        • adeliza0165 26th May 2022 at 4:33 pm

          As its an open relationship, i take it your friend has done the same to him? If she has, then surely each must know how the other must be feeling… and take it from thre? 🤔

          Reply
        • adeliza0165 26th May 2022 at 4:40 pm

          I agree with you chojo – you’re with someone because you love them and you want to spend your life with them and do everything with them – why would you want to share that??? If you want to share yourself about then don’t be in a marriage/ relationship!! Simple as that.

          Reply
    • Linpap 26th May 2022 at 3:30 pm

      That’s the thing though I don’t think society has changed much in decades but perhaps it should? A lot of people spend a lot of time and upset blaming each other for stuff that was possibly too much to expect in the first place oh I’m feeling philosophical this afternoon sorry guys!!!

      Reply
    • patrickjoe 26th May 2022 at 4:40 pm

      then how do you divide youre time and attention to all parties without someone being left out another ? becomes more complicated the more you think of it has anyone enjoyed a open relationship thats the person to ask

      Reply
      • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 4:53 pm

        It would be interesting to hear from someone who has, I don’t think they’d admit it on here though Patrick! But just to hear their point of view really xxx

        Reply
    • VFP 26th May 2022 at 4:54 pm

      I think that people need to find relationships that are right for them. The problem with your friend’s situation is that she married her partner with the expectation of monogamy and now he brings up the subject of an open relationship. He shouldn’t expect her to go along with this and she shouldn’t ask this of herself because that was never part of the original relationship agreement. So I don’t think she should agree to this as she clearly doesn’t want to. He can either keep his promise of monogamy or go.

      Reply
      • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 5:11 pm

        I do agree VFP, she doesn’t want to go ahead with it, so is wondering, does she tell her husband no, with the possibility that he’ll possibly cheat anyway, or does she cut and run now?

        Reply
        • Mick20 26th May 2022 at 6:18 pm

          She tells her husband NO, then tell him, either we work at our marriage as a couple, if he’s not in agreement with that and still wants to go down the open route, theirs only one option she shows him the door, never going to be a marriage again, all the love, affection & trust as gone for good, personally I can’t understand how he’s got the ordasity to ask in the first place, he’s got no respect for her as a wife or person, sorry he’s bang out of order !

          Reply
        • VFP 26th May 2022 at 6:26 pm

          I agree with Mick. She should tell him no, but give him a chance to regain her trust by, as Mick says, working on their marriage as a couple. If he refuses to put the effort into sorting out their marriage or if he can’t be trusted, then he will have to leave. Best wishes to your friend x

          Reply
        • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 6:28 pm

          Thanks for the comments, she is one upset lady x

          Reply
    • patrickjoe 26th May 2022 at 5:02 pm

      the only way is for people in a open relationship to come foreward and tell us why it worked or didnt its got its plus and negative points and what do you do with being jealous ???

      Reply
    • Robert K 26th May 2022 at 5:05 pm

      Blimey! This thread soon racked up 100 posts. Popular subject!

      Reply
    • patrickjoe 26th May 2022 at 5:09 pm

      or is it just kinky ie cuckold????

      Reply
    • Chris Cain 26th May 2022 at 7:02 pm

      What gets me here is that everyone is jumping to the conclusion that it’s all his fault. I don’t know obviously I’m just saying. Sometimes it isn’t always the man’s fault too much judgement here.

      But saying that, it is often the fault of both. I get really annoyed of the one legged marmite eating lesbian man hating brigade but equally sick of masoginystic testosterone alpha males kicking sand in the face of guts like me lol 😳😳😳😂😂😂😂

      Reply
      • backofbeyond 27th May 2022 at 4:45 pm

        It’s always the man’s fault – it’s either ‘you’re a cheating, conniving, unfaithful pig’ or it’s ‘you were so unfeeling, distant and unresponsive I sought human comfort in the arms of another’. 🤣🤣🤣

        Reply
    • Terry75 26th May 2022 at 7:21 pm

      Read some of the replies to this post and posted my own thoughts. The bottom line is if you love someone why do you want to be having sex with someone else? Arrogance? Because you can etc or is it that you don’t love that person you just like having someone to go home to?, Sorry not for me its called love and loyalty. Does that make me old fashioned, straight laced or just just a decent man. I know what I think. Get on with it and destroy each other.

      Reply
    • patrickjoe 26th May 2022 at 7:23 pm

      people secretly like the idea of open relationship but at the same time scared of there own thoughts dont think its anything todo with man hating woman/ or hating men its just a taboo subject for most

      Reply
      • adeliza0165 27th May 2022 at 4:25 pm

        If I trully loved someone, that would be enough me. If I didn’t love them and had no respect, thought, care or consideration for them, then i may want to shag about, because there’s no love in that.

        Reply
    • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 7:27 pm

      Its good that you’re loyal Terry, thanks for your reply x

      Reply
    • adeliza0165 26th May 2022 at 7:45 pm

      We’re all having a bash at the husbsnd, but If this is an open relationship, then surely the wife has done it to him too??
      Has the hurt come about because they are both thinking, “i want this open relationship/ shag about, but I don’t really want them to do it.”
      If thats their thinking (which is selfish) then they’re just going to hurt each other and it’s going to go nowhere nice…
      unless they can recognise the hurt theyve caused to each other and come to realise that an open relationship is not for them and start again?

      Reply
      • Will998 26th May 2022 at 8:05 pm

        I’m not sure if something has got lost in the translation Adeliza
        😊
        I dont think there was any indication that the wife had already done anything with anyone. Or had even considered it.

        Unless your answer is in response to one of the later contributors.

        One of your earlier responses was spot on btw.
        Two narcissists together. Interesting concept🤔
        😃

        Reply
    • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 8:46 pm

      Historically men have always potentially had open relationships.

      They could do what they liked and women couldn’t divorce them. Look at our kings. Serial shaggers.

      Marriage is a religious concept and was promoted to subjugate women. It’s only more recently that women are fighting back and having an expectation of fidelity.

      These are all human concepts – monogamy, polygamy, fidelity, infidelity, cheating, affairs ……

      We are only constrained by ourselves. I think it’s about time more people were honest about what they want from life, that we all accept that we change at different stages of our lives.

      A friend of mine once said that marriages should be 5 year contracts because people change. You can renew it or bin it off like car insurance or whatever. Much more pragmatic.

      I know people will say “what about love?” “What about duty?”. I think we need to be a lot more chilled about the whole thing.

      (Just my opinion – I know I am going to get bolloxed for it.)

      Reply
      • Mo001 26th May 2022 at 9:14 pm

        I agree with your post. I think all people are asking for is honesty and if a person wants something different be upfront with their partner and either move on together or leave.

        But sneaking around behind someone else’s back just destroys life’s and wastes a lot of years, when both parties could move on separately and be happy.

        Reply
      • adeliza0165 27th May 2022 at 6:42 pm

        Yes its true – historically men have always had multiple partners/ wives to satisfy their urges – it was never about love in the way it is for a woman and to this day it’s still relatively the same- men look for shags and women look for love and its only the men’s behaviour which has altered the woman’s way of thinking.
        It will be right for the right type if people and wrong for the wrong type of people and devasting when one of them is like that and the other isn’t 😐
        Most people look for love and happiness in a partner and if it’s reciprocated they don’t need anything else 😊

        Reply
    • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 9:04 pm

      Brilliant post Forestbather, history tells us a lot! Xx

      Reply
      • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 9:15 pm

        @HH 2021

        I hope your friend will be ok.

        I wonder – why is she mortified?

        Reply
        • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 9:24 pm

          She wasn’t expecting it, it kinda came out of the blue. She had no idea he was looking at ‘playing away’ he’s just suggested an open relationship out of nowhere.

          Reply
        • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 9:33 pm

          You see this is the thing.

          If I were her:

          A). I would refuse to be mortified.

          B). I would want to fully understand what has prompted this idea. Has he fallen madly for someone but doesn’t want to give up the family home?

          C). Or is he interested in varying his life and experiencing different things?

          D). Does he understand that this is reciprocal and that she might meet someone and end up wanting to be with that person instead?

          E). Why is this problematic for her? Jealousy? Religion? What will the neighbours say? Is he already shagging his way round the local pubs behind her back and is trying to to damage limitation?

          F). Explore the fact that this actually opens up a lot of opportunities for her too.

          I think this requires a clear-headed pros/cons spreadsheet.

          Reply
        • Mad Ralph 26th May 2022 at 9:35 pm

          Wouldn’t you be mortified if your long term partner suggested this FB?

          Reply
        • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 9:37 pm

          What long term partner? Is this the invisible man/woman? Lol.

          Reply
        • Forestbather 26th May 2022 at 9:38 pm

          @Mad Ralph.

          No I wouldn’t. Nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s just a thing isn’t it?

          An ex of mine became a Golf Wanker and bought an Audi. That I was mortified about.

          Reply
        • Mad Ralph 26th May 2022 at 9:40 pm

          😂😂😂😂😂

          Reply
        • HH 2021 26th May 2022 at 9:50 pm

          🤣🤣

          Reply
    • Will998 26th May 2022 at 11:18 pm

      My Ex was having an open relationship.
      She just omitted to ask me for my approval 🤣

      Reply
    • Balkash 27th May 2022 at 8:16 am

      Personally speaking the way that our parents brought us is when you’re in a relationship with somebody you’re committed to that one person 100% in my opinion being single is an open relationship you want to go with other people then don’t commit to one person because it’s not fair on them no doubt everybody has their own opinion and that’s just mine lol it would be nice to find someone to be able 2 commit to

      Reply
    • patrickjoe 27th May 2022 at 5:05 pm

      a open relationship means both parties can be with anyone they enjoy if only one wants to play its not open. most people like the thought until they think about it then the demons come out where is she/ he tonight whats going on insecurity etc

      Reply
      • HH 2021 28th May 2022 at 1:04 pm

        I think that’s where the problem is tbh, she married him thinking it would be monogamous, always thought they were happy, never ever a discussion about an open relationship at all. And this just came out the blue.
        I think his thinking is that their marriage is growing rather stale, and perhaps this will re ignite the spark they once had.
        I’m not sure she feels the same! 🥴😳

        Reply
    • HH 2021 27th May 2022 at 11:48 pm

      Wow, there’s been a fantastic response to this, thank you everyone! So interesting to hear different points of view xxx

      Reply
    • CANNON1559 28th May 2022 at 2:08 am

      PLAY WITH FIRE AND EVERYONE GETS BURNT.

      Reply
    • Sue Devon 28th May 2022 at 11:15 pm

      Maybe counselling so she explores and accepts how she feels about it before they decide the way forward?
      Less chance of her making a decision she may regret?

      Reply
    • Cheers on toast 30th May 2022 at 9:44 am

      This made me laugh

      Reply
    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 2nd June 2022 at 7:00 am

      Erm, NO!! Either be in a relationship or be single, seems to me some people want the best of both worlds. I have recently experienced this (I am single, he clearly wasnt) 🙄

      Reply
    • KentJack 4th June 2022 at 7:16 pm

      No, no and no. And now he has asked that question, it will sit in their relationship like the massive elephant in their shared room. She needs to pack up her dignity, chuck him out and change the locks!

      Reply
    • Spiritual Guy 4th June 2022 at 8:25 pm

      HH I think you better get your friend on RL 😉

      Reply
    • Bigmama 4th June 2022 at 9:34 pm

      Whist it definitely wouldn’t be for me, live and let live is what I say.
      Very interesting to see others views

      Reply
    • Steve24 4th June 2022 at 10:01 pm

      I suppose it all depends on what type of relationship they have and how close they are. If they were are close with an intimate relationship then I can understand her being mortified. I’d feel the same way if I was in an intimate relationship with someone and they just wanted to turn it into an open relationship. However, if there’s very little intimacy in their relationship, then I can understand her husband wanting to have some freedom and independence back.

      A good friend of mine has been in a relationship with his wife for many years, but they haven’t made love for over 4 years because she doesn’t want to.

      If he never thought about her feelings and only thought about himself he may be perceived to be very selfish. However, she hasn’t thought about the emptiness and rejection he feels inside him most of the time. He recently told me that he feels so unwanted, when in fact he’s a such a nice guy.

      At the end of the day all relationships should be two way, unless they’re open.

      Reply
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