Home Forums Loneliness On my own for first time ever.

MalcolmC Posted 3 months ago
On my own for first time ever.

I come from a large family being the eldest of 5 and having 38 first cousins. I was married for 30 years and have 2 children of my own. Now I find myself on my own.

My children are both grown up and living their best lives. One is living in Texas and the other is cruising in the Caribbean as a singer and entertainer. I live over 100 miles away from my family having moved to the Midlands with work in 1996. Work changes mean that I am in a team that is spread across the country, and have been working from home for over a decade.

After my 30 year marriage broke down, I discovered most of our friends were, in fact, her friends. Most of our activities were really her activities. I find I am now starting from scratch to build my life. The current Pandemic mean lots of groups and organisations are still not meeting in person, and I don’t really know where to start anyway. I am a shy person at heart so find it hard to venture into new situations on my own.

I am finding I am spending more time online as I can connect with new people easily. However, that is not human contact. I am missing the face to face conversations and the shared experiences. The silence can sometimes be deafening.

I am not giving up but, just sometimes, I feel down.

12 likes & 28 replies
    • TmonT 3rd November 2021 at 5:16 pm

      Hopefully as this pandemic subsides you can get out to clubs activities etc If you enjoyed the interests you shared with wife there is no reason not to continue on your own Stick in it will get better 👍

    • loislane 3rd November 2021 at 6:30 pm

      Wow, that’s so different to what you’re used to.
      It’s difficult getting used to the silence.
      I’m a social person some of the time, so silence doesn’t bother me as such. Next year may be better hopefully.
      Just join in with the various topics you like, everyone is friendly.
      Welcome to the group.

    • HH 2021 3rd November 2021 at 6:50 pm

      Hi Malcolm, welcome to the group! That’s so tough, it must be very difficult for you 😕

      Lots of friendly people on this group that you can talk to, and a lot of people in the same situation as yourself.

      I hope you’re ok, keep smiling x

    • Catwoman 3rd November 2021 at 7:03 pm

      Hi Malcolm welcome, you’ll soon make friends on here. There are some meet ups being arranged too. Maybe you could go to one of them?

    • MalcolmC 3rd November 2021 at 7:29 pm

      Thanks for the comments. They are very much appreciated. It’s been tough but this community group has brightened my days.

      I have signed up for the early December meet up in Stratford and I am very much looking to it.

    • Scaredofspiders 3rd November 2021 at 10:08 pm

      You’re really blessed to have such an extended family! There are many of us who’s lives haven’t turned out quite as we would have liked, but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things 👏

    • Always 3rd November 2021 at 10:33 pm

      Be good to meet you in Stratford Malcom hopefully there we will all make some new and lasting friendships x

    • AnnetteFM 4th November 2021 at 9:14 am

      Hi Malcolm and I do empathise with you as I am on my own after 13 years in a relationship and it is very challenging learning to be on your own again and rebuilding your life. I think it is very understandable that you feel down at times and I have found certain Instagram sites have helped me in managing my feelings and emotions and I did also access some counselling so please don’t be afraid to ask for help to help support you through this time. I have gradually started getting involved in different groups and that has helped enormously in rebuilding new friendships and relationships but as you say many things are still done remotely which is not as satisfying but I have found some have gradually opened up and it has started adding a lot more hope and positivity into my life so I do hope you find the same for yourself. Please also make sure you open up to those friends you do have as I found by making myself vulnerable and being honest with those closest to me it has helped enormously to have regular contact with special friends who are just there walking through the hard times. I do hope you have one or two of these friends in your life so please do reach out to them and make yourself vulnerable – not easy but ultimately it will be positive. Wishing you all the best.

    • Jojobloggs 4th November 2021 at 6:36 pm

      Hi Tony have you tried Meetup? As this is a social app where you can search for events/interests in your area such as badminton clubs, cinema groups etc and it’s slightly less overwhelming than going on a date and you’re likely to meet people with the same interests as you?. Jo

    • Bryony 4th November 2021 at 6:37 pm

      You are never on your own! Join clubs meet up with people. This is a lovely site and friendly so good luck on your new journey go for it x

    • AMC349 4th November 2021 at 10:24 pm

      I know how you feel. Going through a break up now and all our friends are her friends.
      Wish I could have made that trip to Stratford. Could have exchanged experiences. Good luck with the trip and hope you make good friendships there. All the best.

    • BethBlueskies 4th November 2021 at 10:31 pm

      Hi Malcolm, brave post and looks as though you’re already meeting and making new friends. Sometimes in a long relationship / marriage we lose sense of our own identity without really being aware of it. What do you really enjoy doing, just you, for you, you may kind of rediscover yourself once you have time by yourself, it is one of the positives
      And you’re right, it is really important to meet people in ‘real life’ not just virtually….ditto Jojobloggs…….www.meetup.com…….it is a great site. Hiking’s my thing, I’ve met lovely people in my walking groups, not a dating thing at all, just all kinds of interest and social groups, there will be groups near you I’m certain, have a wonderful time making new friends 🙂 xx

    • EricaLovesFlowers 4th November 2021 at 11:51 pm

      I know it’s hard. Life can be pretty shit when you’re on your own.
      You’ll make lots of lovely friends here.
      Shout if you fancy a giggle!

    • Labby 5th November 2021 at 5:26 pm

      I feel with you for this unexpected beginning, but count it as joy and a liberty to discover yourself afresh. Take it as a second phase of your living. Make the best use of it,by being creative, enterprising, socializing with people; intact,go for your passion! Develop a positive mental picture that your best life has just begun. Set a timetable for yourself, what you intend to achieve in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and you will be surprised that before you enter 3 years, you will become a phenomenon to reckon with! I see you there. Ok.

    • Lisajmc 5th November 2021 at 7:15 pm

      Hi Malcolm – I am also in similar circumstances. I am turning the situation into positive . I have my own bedroom for the first time in my whole life ! I have a loving family and luckily some dear friends but for now I am slowly learning to love myself again, keep myself healthy, walking and just smiling and saying hello to people you pass.
      You do not find a happy life – you make it!

    • Sandyg 6th November 2021 at 3:03 am

      Hi Malcolm, I found myself alone for the 1st time in my life after 38 years of marriage…we had to sell our family home of 33 years and start anew with much less….I decided I didn’t want to remain in the same place where those family memories were around every corner which would have made me sad, so I started afresh 70 miles away …making it an Adventure, My New Life, and I’m so glad I did.

      As you are working from home, it sounds like you can base yourself anywhere,so why not a fresh new start , ? maybe move nearer your family…this removes the feeling of having been Left, to one of being newly independant, self- supporting and on a Great Adventure.

    • adeliza0165 7th November 2021 at 8:39 pm

      Same here – i found myself living all by myself for the very first time ever when my daughter went Oz. It’s something I never foresaw… coming home from work to a dark house with no lights on, watching the TV alone, no one to talk to, waking up to silence.

      I’ve got used to it over time and regularly put the radio and TV on, meet up with friends/family whenever and recently I’ve joined a gym. I might even join a walking group next year once the weather is nice again.

      You find yourself living a different way but its still a nice way ☺️

    • Sylvia 1957 8th November 2021 at 6:52 am

      Hi Malcom, welcome. I think you will find a lot of people on the group in a similar situation. Just join in and I’m sure you will make some lovely friends. 😘

    • Barjan54 8th November 2021 at 9:16 pm

      Try the U3A, they have lots of different groups Sidmouth U3A have around 50 group choices, such as ‘Book Groups, Model Making, Photography, Heritage, Gardening, Geology, Bird Watching, Lunch Groups, Wine Tasting. We also have a group meeting once a month with a speaker, a really nice way to meet new friends. Some of the groups were on Zoom during the pandemic but we are back to face to face meetings. The other idea is voluntary work. I am lucky living in such a lovely part of the world along with the groups I belong to plus the voluntary work I can also have a walk along the sea front & find that everyone says ‘hello’ & some visitors love to have a chat.

    • Coral52 17th November 2021 at 12:29 am

      I think it must be wonderful to have such a large family, mine is the opposite. I can relate to the marriage breakdown scenario though. I was married for 16 years when my marriage broke down and most of our friends had been his friends. It can be very lonely at times. I am grateful for groups like this and for the ability to meet new people. Always lovely to have a chat.

    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 11th December 2021 at 11:22 am

      Hi l am Rosemary, and am new, live with my son and daughter in West Midlands. Have really buried myself in my work and zero social life. Only come to life when l go to church on Sunday or visit my large family in Surrey which has been affected by the lockdown. Found this quite enlightening and. helpful as loliness is real.

    • vaughanpauline 11th December 2021 at 4:21 pm

      Hi Malcome

      Im in much the same situation myself.

      Sons grown up and got lives of their own. Husband decided in sept 2019 that he didnt want to be married anymore.

      Xmas 19 I spent alone under the duvet with a cold.

      Xmas 20 lockdown ensured my youngest son was stuck in this country so him and his wife spent Christmas Day with me

      This Xmas i was determined not to sit around moping. Eldest has a genuine reason not to be in this country and there is a eeason for me not to go to them. Youngest is sending Christmas with his father.

      So i have booked a holiday abroad. I should be looking forward to it but Im so missing being part of a family. Feels like all the fun has gone. Used to love this time of the year.

    • Catwoman 11th December 2021 at 4:36 pm

      We could be related I have 30 odd cousins first too!