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Susie from Stoke Posted 2 months ago
No contact from friend after argument

A friend (female) of 8 years met me for coffee last week. Her husband had arrived unexpectedly, found her with cake and had taken it off her. Not surprising, as I consider him controlling. He said to me that she always puts weight on when he’s not with her.
Background: he does not work, she pays him an allowance since she earns lots of money as a financial solicitor in London. She is 66, he is about 50. He can’t work as she buys him motorbikes, and he has had multiple accidents. He dominates conversation, and if he’s present, she doesn’t say a word.
Story continued. He was in a bad mood, and was sniping at me. Conversation got onto my retirement and he à said I would be bored,. I told him my plans and meant to say that even if you’re not working, you can be busy and said “ You don’t have a job….”;and he exploded, shouting at me in a crowded place. I tried to explain, but he continued being vile. I apologised to my friend and left, very shaken.
Since then no contact. I don’t feel I should apologise, more that she should excuse him to me and then our friendship could continue. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it will be to resolve. I am really worried about her.
Sorry this is a long entry, but it has really upset me and I need some perspective.

3 likes & 22 replies
    • Shirlann 23rd June 2022 at 4:03 pm

      Unfortunately some people can’t be helped 😏for some reason she’s prepared to be treated badly (my daughter is in same position) but until they have too much nothing will change ☹️No you don’t need to apologise if anything he should 😏could you just send a text making sure she’s ok ?

    • NannaG 23rd June 2022 at 5:00 pm

      I agree with shirlann , she is putting up with it , her choice , what a terrible situation you were put in , I don’t think your friend should apologize for him , he needs to grow a pair and apologize to you and be reminded that his behaviour is not exceptable , nobody should be treated like that ,

    • Colin in Kent 23rd June 2022 at 5:14 pm

      He sounds horrific. The word narcissist is banded about a lot without any real understanding – plenty of people are toxic without being narcissists – but it sounds as if he fits the bill. I appreciate this is only one side of the story, but he sounds controlling, abusive and unable to accept being challenged (especially by a woman, in all likelihood). I imagine that as he dominates his wife, he sees your influence on her as a threat. What an appalling man.

      However, all you can do is make your feelings about him plain to her. She’s an adult, and although you are (naturally) worried for her, you can’t take charge of her marriage or how she reacts to her husband. Any change has to come from her, and before that she has to acknowledge that she’s in an abusive relationship, which doesn’t sound likely. You will simply have to continue being her friend, and do your best to avoid him.

    • C. Impey 23rd June 2022 at 5:32 pm

      I agree with all the above replies, I would text asking to video call, if he’s that controlling, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he answers in her name.

      It’s worrying and frustrating, but rest assured you’re doing your best.

    • HelenSpils 23rd June 2022 at 5:52 pm

      Hi Susie, we haven’t ‘spoken’ before (i joined a long time ago and haven’t logged in for ages). I saw your post and can empathise with your situation – i’ve had friends in similar situations. Sadly, they won’t see it until they are ready. A good friend will stay available to pick up the pieces i guess! Could you call round just to check all ok?

    • Badger56 23rd June 2022 at 6:11 pm

      The man sounds absolutely appalling, all you can do is let her know you’re there for her to talk to whenever. As he is controlling her it’s more than likely that he monitors her communications so, as she’s working, is there anyway to contact her through her office assuming she doesn’t work from home?

    • Shell69 23rd June 2022 at 7:07 pm

      I suspect she is very embarrassed by what happened and is afraid of him. All you can do is continue to be a good friend to her and avoid him at all costs! Make sure she has a piece of cake in peace when you next meet !

    • Susie from Stoke 23rd June 2022 at 7:33 pm

      Thanks to all of you who have so far replied, for such perceptive comments. What a marvellous community! My husband can’t stand him either. Still no contact, she mainly works from home and he will have told her to cut all contact with me(it happened with another acquaintance) . I will let the dust settle for a while. I’m a teacher so summer holidays soon, so may pop round if I can be sure he’s out. Thanks again xxx

      • Badger56 23rd June 2022 at 9:03 pm

        You’re welcome Susie and don’t forget we’re all here for each other. Hope you manage to see your friend once things have calmed down.

    • Gerard371 23rd June 2022 at 9:15 pm

      Your friend is intelligent with a well paid job, and surely moves in the right circumstances to gain help with removing him from her life, yet she doesn’t.
      All you can do is try and contact her to check she’s ok, and be frank and tell her she could do better than him and frankly couldn’t do a lot worse.

    • Sue Devon 23rd June 2022 at 11:58 pm

      I would send my friend flowers to work, just so she gets them and realises people do value her even if her partner doesn’t. And, hopefully a confidence boost🙂
      Although you were shaken and he’s an idiot, thank yourself lucky you’re not wrapped up in a relationship like that.

      Apologies only mean something if change follows.

    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th June 2022 at 7:28 am

      Unless you have lived with someone like this man you don’t know everything that goes on. It’s true the woman needs to recognise his behaviour is abusive. Just because this woman works and earns good money it does not mean she cannot struggle with personal relationships.
      I lived for a number of years with a verbally abusive controlling person. Outside he was a real chamer inside a domineering bully. These sort of men can have astong physiological hold on a woman. There are refuges ect but it takes planning to get out from an abuser. It’s not a matter of being soft or a door mat really to say such things is too show a lack of understanding.

    • SH 24th June 2022 at 9:03 pm

      You had a terrible experience, hope you are OK and your friend. Sometimes you cannot do anything just let your friend know that you are there for her if she needs you.

      • Susie from Stoke 25th June 2022 at 7:52 am

        Thanks for your reply and I am getting ready to resume contact, though slightly worried that she may not reply. x

        • SH 25th June 2022 at 2:59 pm

          Hi Susie, don’t worry if she doesn’t reply, at least she will know that you reached out to her, she may be very embarrassed at the incident and not sure how you are feeling about. At least you will know that you done the right thing. Good/True friends are hard to come by and you sound like you are a good friend.

    • adeliza0165 25th June 2022 at 7:27 am

      That’s so awful- what a nob-head he is! – and a useless one too – doesn’t seem to do anything and is financially supported by your friend, which is probsbly why he is the way he is – to assert some sort of superiority, control and authority!

      Unortunately your friend can’t see it and wont accept the truth and will turn a blind eye. But, given time… to think… process…. think some more… she’ll see him for what he really is… build up some inner strength… and hopefully move on 😏

      (Years ago i was with such a person – controlled everything, right down to what I should wear and how I should have my hair!! He moved me away from all my friends! But i couldn’t see it at the time, – saw it as his way of caring for me! But after one of our fall outs, i had time to sort my head out… and saw sense! – I realised that he didn’t care for me at all! He just wanted to control my life and I didn’t want that sort of life anymore).

    • Susie from Stoke 25th June 2022 at 7:54 am

      Thanks for your reply. You have given me a valuable insight into this type of abusive relationship. Hope you are well and happy now x

    • Moondaisy 25th June 2022 at 9:37 am

      It’s sad that people let themselves be controlled. My advice is don’t give up on her. He obviously has something to do with her not contacting you. Let her know that your there for her when needed.
      You’ve already apologised to her, no need to again.

      I have a similar problem with my sister and her daughter. Her daughter is very controlling and my sister is soft. I’ve left voicemails and texts telling her how much I love and miss her only to have a vile voicemail from my niece telling me to f*ckoff and leave her alone and that I’m no sister of hers!….. From my sisters phone. I know this is not my sister because she would never speak to me in that way, plus, I haven’t done anything to warrant it. My sister knows I’m here if she needs me, that means a lot to me.

    • Paul095 25th June 2022 at 12:43 pm

      Wow he’s a keeper, amazing how some people manage to treat free ride like that. So he gets new bikes and she can’t eat cake, ld tell him to gateau’t of here !