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  • My husband died 12 months ago and I seemed to be coping quite well but now I am back at square one – crying over nothing and wondering whether I can go on Is this normal?

    I am 80 years old and my husband was 90 when he died

    Posted by groovygrannie
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    • Reply by Shonzie

      My husband of just over 2years and my soulmate, died in February this year from cancer. We only just buried him when we were thrown into lockdown. Just when I needed my family and friends. It has been a nightmare. I was just starting to gather myself together and think about going back to workwhen my 88yr old mother was diagnosed with cancer. My whole world has again been turned upside down as my sister and I have had to be carers for my 90 yr old Dad and my mum going through chemo. If anyone has any tips on how I am going to get through all this then please share as I am struggling.
      I only hope that next year is better than this

       

    • Reply by Helen Burns

      As a society, we have a strange notion of what ‘doing well’ is when it comes to grieving our loved ones. Grief is neither static nor linear, yet we’re asked to measure our progress in time – telling ourselves we ‘should be’ a certain way after a particular time period has passed. Like the tides, our grief ebbs and flows, each tide offering something new.

      I would encourage you to speak to one of the charities who support the bereaved. Cruse Scotland can be contacted on 0845 600 2227 from 9am to 8pm Monday to Thursday and 9am to 4pm on Fridays (the calls cost 5p per minute). They also have a website, with a webchat facility: http://www.crusescotland.org.uk/. There is also the National Association for Widows (for men and women). Their website is http://www.nawidows.org.uk. Speaking to someone and finding support and reassurance that it is absolutely normal, and that everyone’s normal is different, may ease some of your distress around your distress.

      Wishing you well.

      • Reply by groovygrannie

        Thank you I keep telling myself it will get better but only yesterday I looked up the number for Cruse. I think I will give them a call tomorrow!

    • Reply by gordon.rae1

      My partner died just over three years ago and the process of managing how I feel can change daily. Most days now I remember our time together with pleasure and I can look at photographs of her without being reduced to tears but, I have also come to realise that my  thoughts and feelings are ‘managable’ because I choose to allow myself to visit those feelings. What I can never defend myself from are the feelings which come unsolicited. And that can happen anywhere, anytime. But it’s alright because it tells me that she continues to exist in a part of me over which I have no control. And I think it’s the part of me that loves without understanding why. My hope for you is that you will find a strange comfort in those moments of deep sadness.

       

      • Reply by groovygrannie

        Thank you so much. I suppose it is comforting to know I am not alone. Things will get better I keep telling myself

    • Reply by CT

      My husband died when we were 53 and, like you, I thought I was doing OK, but then the second year was a whole lot worse when the reality of being on my own really hit home. All I can say is hang on in there and it will get better. Staying busy was the key for me and, let’s face it, this year has not been great for keeping busy with everything closed and being told to stay home. Anything you can find to do to keep your mind occupied during the day and tire you out so that you sleep at night will help. Once life gets back to normal, join some clubs. It doesn’t matter what they are, if you don’t like them you can stop going, but give them a chance. In the meantime, fill your days with any hobbies you enjoy, whether that’s crosswords, jigsaws, painting, knitting … anything that you need to concentrate on to keep your head clear of sad thoughts. It’s OK to feel sad sometimes and it’s OK to cry, but if you can forge a new life for yourself with things to look forward to you’ll find there will be more happy days in your future.

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