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groovygrannie Posted 1 year ago
My husband died 12 months ago and I seemed to be coping quite well but now I am back at square one – crying over nothing and wondering whether I can go on Is this normal?

I am 80 years old and my husband was 90 when he died

8 likes & 9 replies
    • CT 8th September 2020 at 8:57 pm

      My husband died when we were 53 and, like you, I thought I was doing OK, but then the second year was a whole lot worse when the reality of being on my own really hit home. All I can say is hang on in there and it will get better. Staying busy was the key for me and, let’s face it, this year has not been great for keeping busy with everything closed and being told to stay home. Anything you can find to do to keep your mind occupied during the day and tire you out so that you sleep at night will help. Once life gets back to normal, join some clubs. It doesn’t matter what they are, if you don’t like them you can stop going, but give them a chance. In the meantime, fill your days with any hobbies you enjoy, whether that’s crosswords, jigsaws, painting, knitting … anything that you need to concentrate on to keep your head clear of sad thoughts. It’s OK to feel sad sometimes and it’s OK to cry, but if you can forge a new life for yourself with things to look forward to you’ll find there will be more happy days in your future.

    • gordon.rae1 9th September 2020 at 5:59 pm

      My partner died just over three years ago and the process of managing how I feel can change daily. Most days now I remember our time together with pleasure and I can look at photographs of her without being reduced to tears but, I have also come to realise that my  thoughts and feelings are ‘managable’ because I choose to allow myself to visit those feelings. What I can never defend myself from are the feelings which come unsolicited. And that can happen anywhere, anytime. But it’s alright because it tells me that she continues to exist in a part of me over which I have no control. And I think it’s the part of me that loves without understanding why. My hope for you is that you will find a strange comfort in those moments of deep sadness.


    • Helen Burns 10th September 2020 at 4:33 pm

      As a society, we have a strange notion of what ‘doing well’ is when it comes to grieving our loved ones. Grief is neither static nor linear, yet we’re asked to measure our progress in time – telling ourselves we ‘should be’ a certain way after a particular time period has passed. Like the tides, our grief ebbs and flows, each tide offering something new.

      I would encourage you to speak to one of the charities who support the bereaved. Cruse Scotland can be contacted on 0845 600 2227 from 9am to 8pm Monday to Thursday and 9am to 4pm on Fridays (the calls cost 5p per minute). They also have a website, with a webchat facility: http://www.crusescotland.org.uk/. There is also the National Association for Widows (for men and women). Their website is http://www.nawidows.org.uk. Speaking to someone and finding support and reassurance that it is absolutely normal, and that everyone’s normal is different, may ease some of your distress around your distress.

      Wishing you well.

      • groovygrannie 10th September 2020 at 7:13 pm

        Thank you I keep telling myself it will get better but only yesterday I looked up the number for Cruse. I think I will give them a call tomorrow!

    • Shonzie 9th October 2020 at 5:18 pm

      My husband of just over 2years and my soulmate, died in February this year from cancer. We only just buried him when we were thrown into lockdown. Just when I needed my family and friends. It has been a nightmare. I was just starting to gather myself together and think about going back to workwhen my 88yr old mother was diagnosed with cancer. My whole world has again been turned upside down as my sister and I have had to be carers for my 90 yr old Dad and my mum going through chemo. If anyone has any tips on how I am going to get through all this then please share as I am struggling.
      I only hope that next year is better than this


    • PATTYC 26th July 2021 at 2:44 am

      So sorry for your loss. My husband didn’t die but he walked out on me for someone else 17 years ago. We were together 32 years and he was my life;
      I still haven’t got over it and I have had Depression the whole time since.

    • Blackcat2 18th October 2021 at 8:44 pm

      So sorry for everyone’s loss. I’ve just joined this site hoping to make some new connections after my beloved partner of 12 and a half years died in June 2020 from cancer. He was only 49 years old and I’m struggling to put my life back together. I miss him so much. Still so many emotions swirling about which I seem to have no control over. Life at the moment is just rubbish.

    • Joyfull 18th October 2021 at 9:12 pm

      My partner died suddenly in March this year. I’ve been through the shock, upset , even anger anger towards him for leaving me, that is strange! Everything seems to be running smoothly then I can cry at the slightest thing, and go through it all again. Lots of “ what ifs”…. So many mixed emotions. As you have said it is good to know it is considered to be normal to feel this way.