Valley Posted 4 months ago
Lonely

I’m married but my husband likes his own company and spends a lot of time on his computer, laptop, ipad etc.. we tend to do our own thing and just now and again go walking, or watch a film together. He doesnt have much conversation sometimes and it really feels quite lonely as though I’m on my own. Likd they say you feel lonlier in a crowd.. I feel I’ve wasted my life just trying to get him to be interested in me.
I do try to get out with a couple of friends but it’s not regular.
I feel like what’s the point at the moment

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4 likes & 32 replies
    • Amanda in Durham 8th August 2021 at 12:49 pm

      Hi Valley

      What you describe sounds really hard to bear and I can understand that things seem pointless right now.

      When we have grown up with the idea that our self-worth comes from how our partner treats us, then it shatters our self-esteem when that partner neglects us.
      We are crying out for validation from that person and when none appears, it makes us feel worthless and our lives pointless.

      This is hard and it hurts, but that pain is trying to tell us to change something in our lives and in our way of seeing the world and ourselves. Just like the physical pain we experience when we touch something hot tells us to stop doing it, the emotional pain we experience is also trying to tell us to stop doing the thing that causes this pain.

      I would look into the concepts of self-love and self-compassion.

      The Holistic Psychologist, The School of Life and Kristen Neff’s book on self-compassion could be helpful.

      I had a similar experience to you in my marriage and am now estranged from my husband, trying to put my life together again. It’s hard, but I am slowly making progress. Some days are harder than others.

      Perhaps all you can do today is to say, “This too will pass” and sit with the discomfort and pain and ask yourself what it is trying to tell you.

      Good luck

      Amanda

      Reply
      • Valley 8th August 2021 at 12:59 pm

        Thanks Amanda, it’s been like this for such a long time. About 12 years ago now I began to get out on my own, made a couple of new friends, sadly they live further away from me, but hoping when things are easier that I can get to see them again.
        I used to think it was my fault, but now I know it isnt, and is just how he is, its helped me a little , but being lonely is the worst thing isnt it?
        Hope you move on and improve your life.

        Reply
    • vaughanpauline 8th August 2021 at 1:13 pm

      Hi Valley

      I hope you don’t mind, I’m going to send you to Silver Ladies Chatter private Facebook group via a direct message

      It’s somewhere to talk to other women some of us have been in similar situations to yours, but most of all it’s a safe place to make new friends.

      Take care of yourself

      Pauline

      Reply
    • Valley 8th August 2021 at 1:21 pm

      Many thanks

      Reply
    • Caroline0359 9th August 2021 at 2:01 pm

      Hi Pauline.

      Sorry that your feeling the way you are.

      I had similar in my 28 yr marriage but my ex husband put his job before all else.
      When my daughters left home I realised how much I had been doing alone.

      Even if we planned a day out something work related became part of that day.

      Intimacy became a thing of the past . Infact when I decided to leave we hadn’t even slept in the same bed for 5 years.

      You need to look at want you want. To you stay in a love less relationship and just drift alone feeling lonely or to you take the hard decision and leave.

      I am presuming you have spoken to your husband about how you are feeling.

      If not you should do so and give him the chance to change things. Or if he’s like my ex you can tell him but he may just not listen.

      Good luck

      Reply
    • lindasmurf 15th August 2021 at 12:29 pm

      Hello Ladies, I do find it very sad that people are finding life lonely, I too have never felt so alone and lonely. I’ve been married for 10 years and all the fun seems to have disappeared, and I’m bored out of my head. I hardly get a conversation out of my husband and he don’ts like walking. It feels like life has ended and I don’t even feel old (58)! I have moved to a new area and walk once a week with a lovely lady, but don’t know anybody else.

      Reply
    • Valley 15th August 2021 at 12:39 pm

      Hi Linda,
      I know exactly how you feel.
      I’m 59 and feel I have much more life in me yet.
      I dont have many friends and none really near me so have to go further to meet people.
      It is harder making new friends as you get older.
      My husband does like walking so we do that together and he has a bike so goes off on his own.
      I do miss having close friends who you can just go for a walk with or for a coffee.

      Hope you manage to get out more if you can , take care

      Reply
    • Island Hopper 23rd August 2021 at 9:11 am

      Just a thought, Valley, but when reading what you said about it being harder to make friends as you get older, I thought I’d just suggest you think about getting a dog. I find it really easy to talk to strangers when out walking our dog, whereas normally I don’t easily chat to people. It’s an easier way to connect, gives you a purpose (looking after the dog) and dogs are more loyal than people! I must say you seem like a lovely lady who is missing out on potential happiness. Very best of luck to you Valley xx

      Reply
    • Valley 23rd August 2021 at 9:33 am

      Thanks for your very kind message, we have 2 cats and they are lovely, house too small for a dog but do love dogs too.
      Thanks x

      Reply
    • Cheeseman dave 9th September 2021 at 10:25 am

      Join some groups start doing you’re own thing make new friends unplug the internet every time you go out hel soon get the message when you’re not around

      Reply
    • Valley 9th September 2021 at 11:26 am

      Thanks.
      I couldn’t unplug the internet, he would go and, he is on it most of the time.

      Reply
    • Jillikins 12th September 2021 at 2:34 pm

      You could be describing my relationship with my partner. I too get lonely and would like to do more together. Sometimes I think I should get a boyfriend!

      Reply
    • Marlew 12th September 2021 at 6:07 pm

      I can relate to this, I feel exactly the same. Very alone at times, it’s like I am invisible. Going by previous posts it seems there are quite a few of us feeling like this.

      Reply
    • Valley 12th September 2021 at 9:59 pm

      It is comforting to know there are others out there with similar problems.
      Do your husbands-partners have hobbies or interests?

      Reply
    • Gillian Linda 12th September 2021 at 10:17 pm

      Awe. I’m here if you would like to chat. My husband passed away in January. I’m trying to stay positive and learning to be independent

      Reply
    • Valley 12th September 2021 at 10:31 pm

      Thanks, I’ve tried to make friends for 30 years since I moved to where I am now, not always easy as you get older, never managed to keep friends. Have a few from work, all live in other towns
      I’ve always been proactive and met some nice people.
      Hope you get on ok.

      Reply
    • redman 15th October 2021 at 5:07 pm

      i found that but work in charity shop oneday a week go to yoga, am in a poetry group,and now tried a writing group, but there were only two of us, hubby does writem but dont seem to need people, moved here six years ago, lost sister a few weeks into the move, so had to go back to essex for a month as she was on morphene and palative care, i live in somerset pat

      Reply
    • SelsdonLion 15th October 2021 at 7:04 pm

      Hi Valley,

      sorry to hear how you’re feeling at the moment.

      Have you told your husband how you are feeling? If so, what was his response?

      Reply
    • AllsGravy 15th October 2021 at 10:08 pm

      Boomers are the last generation where women were less pressured to work. The men of this generation have commuted for 40+ years, worked hard 40+ hrs/week, missed out on paternity leave etc. and are ready for retirement of mostly inactivity. Unfortunately, this is often in contrast to women who have been waiting patiently for retirement to get life started.

      Loneliness can be a struggle for those who have always depended on another for their self-worth, their financial security, their location, their routines, their interests, their friendship groups, their experiences, their diet, their cultural tastes…

      For the partner to be removed, it makes table tennis (or whatever) impossible. You will perhaps feel bereft for the life you had. There is a mourning process that one goes through for a lost life; or even a wasted life. As part of that bereavement, you may also feel anger, resentment, guilt, regret, happiness, sadness, eagerness to change things or not repeat mistakes, and to blame someone.

      Most of the time you will look to external causes for the issues/problems – it’s something someone else is doing to you. NO. It’s not. It’s all stuff YOU have allowed to happen. Sometimes it seemed to work to your advantage, then it didn’t any longer. (Although financially/security it has probably worked to your advantage sticking around than getting divorced?) However, taking (shared) responsibility is the first step to taking future responsibility.

      The most popular people, whether they like it or not, are the most self-aware (who they are), the least self-conscious (not trying to be anything they aren’t), the most generous (willing to give of themselves: their time, to listen), the most self-assured (confident: know who they are, what they want, have experience to share). If that’s not you (yet) you might want to work on yourself before changing your situation, otherwise you’re likely to merely repeat the cycle.

      Just to say, it’s not necessarily either partner’s fault alone. It is not uncommon. And it’s best resolved with counselling.

      Reply
    • Shirlann 16th October 2021 at 7:39 am

      Sounds the same as mine 🙄

      Reply
    • AutumnRocks 16th October 2021 at 11:28 am

      In my work I come across old couple who barely tolerate each other yet are stuck together because of circumstances, health, finance, effort of leaving. I was determined not to end up like this so made the break. I may have to rethink what happens if I need care in the future as he will not be there to care for me but vice versa. but then I may not need care and it felt wrong just to use him like that. Life is too short putting up with things at our age.

      Reply
    • Shirlann 16th October 2021 at 1:18 pm

      Unless really going to leave think got to except them how they are😏annoying but I don’t think you can change people or though I’ve try 😕😁

      Reply
    • Pennypitstop 17th October 2021 at 12:10 pm

      It is very unlikely that he is going to change. If you don’t want to split up try this…..
      What would you do if you did live alone ? Do that, pretend you are living alone, make your own life happen no one else can do that only you. Volunteering is a great way to meet others and most volunteers are around our age. There will more than likely be a walking club in your area they are easy to join, you just turn up. have you thought about getting a part time job…there are lots of vacancies at the moment.There are sometimes reading groups at libraries, and often community centres have quite a lot going on through the week. It takes courage to go and do these things but that moment of fear is only a moment, once you have walked through the door you will be welcomed and your nervousness will dissappear.You will be helping others too as the folks that join these things did it for the same reason as you and you could be the friend they have been looking for.

      Reply
    • Valley 17th October 2021 at 12:39 pm

      Thanks, I have been getting out more the last month, I’ve met a new friend through a friendship group, someone in the same town and have been walking more and with my husband too, so we have doing more together. I meet my 2 old work colleagues every month now again so things improved.
      Plans to volunteer as well, I now have to help my Dad more so see him every day.

      Reply
    • SandraCee 17th October 2021 at 2:41 pm

      Hi Valley. I feel your pain. Been married 24 years to a man with little conversation. We would sit in silence if it wasent for me starting a conversation. Believe me I know this as I have consciously not spoken and timed over 2hrs before I had to crack and speak. He’s opposite me now asleep and I type this. He’s 57! I’m 60. I used to like going out socialising and love to dance but we never do that. Our daughter moved out 3 years ago and I feel so lonely without her to chat to. Keep strong. We are all in this together xxxx

      Reply
    • AllsGravy 18th October 2021 at 12:19 pm

      In today’s Guardian
      The Guardian: ‘I feel hurt that my life has ended up here’: The women who are involuntary celibates.
      https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/18/i-feel-hurt-that-my-life-has-ended-up-here-the-women-who-are-involuntary-celibates

      Reply
    • OutdoorPete 18th October 2021 at 1:28 pm

      As with most things to do with relationships communication is very important. However before you have this conversation it may be a good idea to work out in your mind what you want the future to look like, with or without your husband. Easier said than done I know but if you keep doing the same things the same things will happen, and you only live once.
      When you know what you want, initiate a conversation explaining how you feel and what changes you want to see in your life. This conversation is not a one hit wonder but at least you will know how realistic it is that any changes are likely to materialise and will inform your next move. Sometimes there is not a just a good or bad decision to make….sometimes it’s just less bad or bad!
      Good luck with your thinking and the future which you have the power to change, difficult as it is.

      Reply
    • BevD 19th October 2021 at 1:36 pm

      Hi there,

      I agree with people who say that it’s important to make your own life and feel your sense of worth through doing this, not through a relationship with another person. It’s about making a relationship with yourself, as someone commented through self compassion and building your own life and friendships and self esteem. Of course, if you are staying together with your partner you need to try and find or to continue doing things you have in common with them such as walks, sharing meals etc.

      This whole change of life as we get older and retire or contemplate retiring needs to be taken gently and approached with a sense of hope and joy at a new phase of life. It takes time and patience to get there. Joining groups or volunteering gives you new interest and a feeling of self worth to be contributing to something and you meet new people who could become friends.

      It’s true that your partner is now very unlikely to change, so just do some of the things you would like to do, think creatively and try some new things, be bold and get out there …. still be kind to your partner but not rely on making him happy or him being able to make you happy.

      Good luck !

      xx

      Reply
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