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  • Ladies am I being unreasonable?

    I am married to a good man he works hard and treats me well. The problem is that he is not interested in any sort of physical relationship not so much as a kiss or cuddle. I have tried everything, talking, being patient and all manner of seduction but nothing changes. I am at my wits end and my self confidence is in bits. I don’t see myself as anything special but I’m not unattractive and do occasionally get attention from other men which I am sorry to say I’m starting to enjoy. I really wouldn’t ever want to hurt my husband but I’m sad to think this is the way it will always be.

    Foot note- guys this is NOT an invitation to send me smutty direct messages so please do not bother

    Posted by Always
    • Reply by goldfish63

      Did he used to be physical and when did it stop? maybe talk to him about counselling!

      • Reply by Always

        It’s never been high on his priority list but yes we have previously been close. He point blank refuses to discuss it with anyone

    • Reply by Chojo

      I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect attention from your partner.
      I was in a similar position in my last relationship, she just went cold never wanting to be close and always backed off when I tried to be affectionate. In my case it turns out she was being intimate just not with me! I hope this isn’t the case for you. I think it’s time the two of you had a serious talk about things.
      I really hope things get better for you.

      • Reply by Always

        I’m sorry you had such a bad experience I do hope that’s not the case here

    • Reply by Millybee

      Same with my hubby , I decided to pay a PI to follow him , it only took 2 days to find out he was cheating during the day when he was so called ‘working ‘
      It could be that your man has a problem down below & a lot of men don’t like to admit it . Ask if he needs to speak to his doctor & get blood tests etc . Take the approach that you are worried about his health

      • Reply by Always

        Oh no how awful for you and so hurtful. I have no reason to suspect he is cheating but I guess you can never be 100% sure. I will try the “I’m worried about you” approach thanks x

    • Reply by Mother Goose

      It’s not unreasonable to want that in a relationship, especially if it was there previously.
      I have been there but it was me who didn’t want the physical side and to this day, I still don’t understand why. My ex husband and I met when we were 17, got married at 23 and split up 12 years later. I don’t know if it was because we met when we were young. I don’t have the answer. He did nothing wrong. Our sex life was fantastic. He was a great husband and dad. But one day I found I just couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him, let alone share a bed and be intimate.
      He had no choice when I said I wanted a divorce. There were no affairs whatsoever. I simply fell out of love with him. I loved him but I wasn’t in love. This still haunts me today as I have never understood my reasons. He has forgiven me which makes me feel worse but he has remarried and I’m happy for him.
      Could this be the same for your husband?
      I hope you get some answers x

      • Reply by Always

        Oh gosh maybe? But when I have suggested divorce or separation even he’s hit the roof and been adamant that’s not what he wants. Have you moved forward and found your own happiness Mother goose?

        • Reply by Mother Goose

          Maybe he’s stopping in the relationship for financial and security reasons? It’s not easy splitting everything up and buying a new house.
          I’ve decided to stay single as I couldn’t put anyone else through what I put my ex husband through. Looking back, it must have been horrendous for him.
          However, never say never. If I’m meant to meet my soul mate and life long partner, it will happen. But I’m not actively looking x

        • Reply by Always

          Maybe I just don’t know what to think anymore xx you seem happy in your own company which is great and like you say if it’s going to happen it will xx

        • Reply by Mother Goose

          Good luck xx

    • Reply by wardo70

      You have my genuine sympathy.as it sounds like you are trying ..
      From a male perspective .if he is not prepared to talk about it .it must be personal .i.e.
      .erectile disfunction
      .having sex elsewhere
      .perhaps finds men more attractive. ?
      Give him time and encouragement..good luck .

    • Reply by Chrisdmids

      If your partner is not looking after all of your needs move on.

    • Reply by Chrisdmids

      This isn’t smutt or an attempt to get some side action!!! Have already messaged you before I seen this!!! But if he doesn’t find you attractive then yep probably gay or erectile dysfunction but the worst thing is if no communication about it YOU ARE WASTING YOU LIFE WITH THE WRONG PERSON! sorry to shout but was needed!! I’ve wasted 15 years with someone who was a closed book and I’ll never get that time back!

    • Reply by Lorraine1

      Not knowing the reason must be so infuriating – it means there is no chance of working through it. I have nothing to add to the possible reasons above, sadly sometimes you just have to walk away for your own well being. Good luck.

      • Reply by Always

        Thanks Lorraine you are right if I knew the reason at least I’d have a fighting chance but I feel like I’m being punished or at least pushed into something that will ultimately portray me as the bad guy. Maybe you are right and I should walk away but at my time of life it feels like such a huge decision x

    • Reply by Chrisdmids

      It’s never too late to put yourself first. Maybe that’s the problem, you haven’t been needy at all so he doesn’t break any routines

    • Reply by AllsGravy

      People do realise that real life is not like TV soap opera, right? It’s not automatically an affair or ED.

      An alternative pov.

      This is a white middle-aged man we’re talking about? As such likely to be settled in his ways, creature of habits, doesn’t enthuse about change, prefers to go under the radar and an easy life, avoids conflict at home. Strong, fixed, life-long political/ideological/moral views – has that changed?

      The chances are, the truth is he hasn’t got a clue what the problem is; but the more you push him the bigger a deal it is becoming and so the vortex of fear grows stronger for both of you.

      Unless he has the financial resources for an affair (and the inevitable consequences of divorce etc) the likelihood is that he’s just lost interest. This may be medical (physical/psychological – and you shouldn’t jump to conclusions it is ED, it could be something more serious that he doesn’t wish to worry you with, or work-related stress (as the grind gets harder as you get older and the competition gets younger), depression caused by lockdown?) and therefore have some ego/embarrassment issues? Or, after many years of marriage, you may have to accept that despite your attractiveness to others, he no longer finds you so and loves you so much not to hurt your feelings? This is no one’s fault. It is sad, but human nature. Such things happen: it may not be appearance, if you’re post-menopause it could be your pheromones have changed? As I said, he probably has no clue – and no amount of badgering him will reward you with an answer.

      Couple’s counselling can work for some. But gathering girlfriends for support/sides is a declaration of war and the beginning of the end.

      “If you’re not getting all your needs met, get out.” Comments are immature and selfish, because quite frankly, who is? He obviously isn’t.

      Some couples learn to accept the other positive elements of their relationship rather than end everything over one thing.

      In the bigger picture, it’s early days. You said he’s been a good husband & father/provider; doesn’t he deserve some time?

      I hope you manage to find each other again.

      • Reply by Always

        Thank you for your view I am of course open to looking at this from all angles but I do feel a little bit like I’ve been told off 🥺

        • Reply by AllsGravy

          Not my intention.

          What would your husband think if he read this thread? Might be good to show him? Put it out there?

    • Reply by Anonymous User

      Let’s take a breath.

      Does your husband take any form of medication which may affect his sex drive?

      Does his job involve dealing with the darker side of life, which may or may not cause PTSD ?

      Has he been in an accident recently which may have knocked his self asteem?

      Is he gambling/taking drugs/ or something else and he is trying to hide it ?

      The suggestion of seeking medical advice is a great one to start with, so you can rule out any serious illness I.e. testicular cancer. This can really knock a bloke and cause him to clam up.

      After this, then yes, counselling but you first and then as a couple and then him on his own.

      I hope this gives a different perspective.

    • Reply by Utterly bemused

      It sounds to me that he may be suffering from depression or some related condition. How does he seem in himself?

    • Reply by Always

      Maybe. He seems otherwise ok but that could just be him holding it together. I know that’s what I do

    • Reply by FindingMe

      Wow having just seen this is very helpful and thank you for posting this. I to am in the same position. The lack of physical attention is bring me down badly. You have more or less described the situation as it is for me. I know I need to do something? It has been this way for last 15 years. The thought of the rest of my life being like this really brings me down. Just to help get some physical contact I recently started going for massage. I found this wonderful and it made me realise maybe that we just don’t love each other anymore. I decided to post this as another avenue at maybe reaching out to some one else in the same state. I am sure we feel the same way and look for a more emotional and physical way forward as the two are connected

    • Reply by CastlegreenBobby

      I really feel for you and after reading all the above I feel even more confused so goodness knows how you feel. I left my husband 2 years ago but after 40 years with some degree of unhappiness throughout. I found a book titled Too Good to Leave, Too bad to stay which summed up our 40 year marriage. The author is an American called Mira Kirshenbaum. They ask questions which you have to answer to decide if you should stay in your relationship. If your husband still wont talk or seek medical help then you need to decide whether you still want to be with him. Very sad but true! But also bear in mind that you may not be able to find someone who is ‘a good man who works hard and treats me well’ and also provides the physical side of the relationship you are missing so much.

      • Reply by Always

        Thank you so much I will certainly seek out that book and read it for myself. You are of course right if I were to give up what I have now in order to achieve what I think I want I may lose a good kind man and that is truly a dilemma. I should probably stop being so selfish and accept that in this life you don’t always get everything you want x

        • Reply by FOXY9961

          You have my sympathy Always, I ,myself was in this boat and mine ended utterly devastating ….for me, not her.
          I really hope you find the solution to your dilemma.
          Take care.x

    • Reply by EricaLovesFlowers

      You sound as though you could benefit from counselling. If he won’t agree, go on your own.

    • Reply by Always

      Thank you it is something I am considering x