Home Forums Family & Relationships Is it ok to sort of disown grown children 🤔my h...

Shirlann Posted 1 year ago
Is it ok to sort of disown grown children 🤔my husband seems to think we have to put them first still although their all ungrateful and take anything we do or give for granted ☹️Also there’s so much sibling jealousy going on too seems like only wants us for money 🙄☹️
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3 likes & 34 replies
    • Glampingran 21st February 2021 at 10:24 am

      When you decide to have children it’s a lifetime responsibility! If you give too much as they grow up then parent modelling makes them ungrateful. I’m afraid you have to look more into why they have become the way they have.. and take responsibility for that too 🙂

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      • Shirlann 21st February 2021 at 3:13 pm

        You’re right know it’s our fault for giving them too much ☹️

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        • Glampingran 22nd February 2021 at 10:34 am

          Don’t beat yourself about it, being a parent doesn’t come with a manual, I have 5 children and each one is completely different, reflective of the changes in my life that effected them in one way or another. All amazing people but none perfect by any means. If your offspring take advantage, just take away the privilege of giving them more. If they are adults they need to learn to stand in their own two feet, correct their mistakes and learn from them like we do 🙂

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      • Island Hopper 23rd February 2021 at 6:49 pm

        Well, I don’t believe many of us have been perfect parents, and it does sound as though the children have been over-indulged at some point, but I don’t agree that these parents should spend the rest of their lives indulging the children due to guilt. Time to loosen some ties is my opinion, and I think the children will gradually learn to adopt a kinder and more healthy view of their parents. Learn to find what makes YOU happy, not your children

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    • Galaxy 21st February 2021 at 10:32 am

      Similar situation but more like our son has disowned us, he’s getting married and expects us to go but does not want to invite any other of his family but all of hers, so have been told he will forget all of us, grandchildren have all said the same too. Don’t even know what we have done, so you are not alone.

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      • Poppycat 21st February 2021 at 7:43 pm

        My grown up children have disowned us. Don’t know what we have done either. Not allowed to even see our grandsons

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    • archiewoosung 21st February 2021 at 10:35 am

      Perhaps you need to think about how they got to be the people they are and your role in this. As adults, we have to accept responsibility for ourselves but as parents we have to feel responsible too: is there any flawed adult whose faults can’t be traced back to their childhood?

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    • redman 21st February 2021 at 11:54 am

      I have a son coming up 32, he is the best son anyone can have, but I don’t always get cards. ii miss him as we have moved away, not the other way round. I know I am 74,but , being an older mother, sometimes works out better,he appeciates what we do for him, even though i was a bit soft. he had good grandparents pat

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    • Steve Trellis 21st February 2021 at 12:44 pm

      You deserve respect too ! Surely, as they’re now grown up, they should show you some consideration, and allow you to be yourself. You remain a parent, but it sounds as if your kids need to be more independent and consider you more !

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    • VFP 21st February 2021 at 1:06 pm

      It seems to me like you need some family counselling, because the situation sounds too emotionally-charged. Not only is your relationship with your children at risk, the situation could possibly threaten your marriage.

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    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 21st February 2021 at 1:17 pm

      Just because they’re grown up doesn’t mean they’re mature.. sometimes it takes a while to learn that parents have feelings too! You can’t control your adult kid’s behaviour, but you can choose what you allow. I found this article by Martha Beck a few years ago and it transformed the relationship I have with my eldest daughter
      https://www.oprah.com/spirit/how-to-love-unconditionally-martha-becks-advice

      Reply
    • Puffin007 21st February 2021 at 1:36 pm

      If you raised your children as best possible in your circumstances. That you felt everything you did for them was done with the best of intentions, then you were great parents.
      If however, they as adults, do not behave as you would expect them to with love and respect for you then I do not believe that is your fault. They as adults are now responsible for their choice of behaviour. Helping now, if possible and crucially, if asked for, financially, babysitting, chores or whatever it could be, should all be done on your terms and purely your choice.
      It’s still disappointing if you feel they are ungrateful but again you’ve done your bit! And be proud of yourself for that!
      I believe there are times when you need to be totally selfish too, say no sometimes and live your life for yourself and your husband, enjoy it while you can, we are but visiting this planet!

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    • Rebecca 2021 21st February 2021 at 5:02 pm

      No matter how good an upbringing a child has, there’s no guarantee they will turn out to be well rounded individuals. Although boundaries were set for my children as they were growing up, they’d challenge them from time to time during their teenage years…it wasn’t always easy!
      The nest is now empty and it’s beginning to dawn on them that, yes, I’m their mum, however I’m also an individual with a life outside parenthood. And at this stage in my life, ‘me time’ is all important. Don’t feel guilty for wanting a life outside parenthood……you’ve earned it!

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    • Deleted User 21st February 2021 at 5:21 pm

      Parents have a huge influence on how children develop into adults but many other things influence them as well.

      Modern society is in general more selfish with many people putting themselves first and family does not seem to be as important as it was many years ago.

      Every situation is different and you may have had your faults as a parent but who hasn’t. made mistakes.

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    • Carol23 21st February 2021 at 7:52 pm

      If they are adults why is there jealousy?

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    • Deleted User 21st February 2021 at 9:42 pm

      Perhaps boundaries rather than disowning…

      Reply
    • OutdoorPete 22nd February 2021 at 10:29 am

      Sounds like you are probably right. If they are healthy and independent time to do what you want, you only have one life so do your best to enjoy it. I’m sure you will always be there if called upon.

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    • MarianHaste 22nd February 2021 at 12:15 pm

      You don’t need to disown them; just make it clear that as you are retired/nearing retirement, the Bank of Mum and Dad is now closed and you intend to spend their inheritance profligately on growing old disgracefully. If they then choose to ‘disown’ you, job done – they weren’t worth having in your life in the first place; mercenary little twerps.

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    • Shirlann 22nd February 2021 at 12:48 pm

      Like to thank you for all the replies 🙂guess our children grow up and become just other people 🙄it’s mainly my husband who has given too much in the mistaken sense that the more you give the more get back which unfortunately isn’t true!!!

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      • VFP 22nd February 2021 at 12:52 pm

        If you and your husband could agree on ways to improve the situation, that would be a great step forward.

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    • MargaretMags 22nd February 2021 at 1:10 pm

      I find it so sad that families drift apart for whatever reason, quite often a misunderstanding. I am fortunate to have two sons (44 and 41) who are the most caring, kind and understanding men. Despite being a single parent living on a council estate their childhoods weren’t ideal we didn’t have a lot but they survived to be men to be proud of. One a teacher the other a mechanic. I think communication is the main thing, if you can sit down and talk together it helps…and a sense of humour.😉😂 keep talking one day they’ll realise just what you mean to them, and they to you.❤

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    • Vixxen 22nd February 2021 at 3:35 pm

      Hi Shirlann, I don’t like the blaming going on here and don’t take any notice. Its ugly, unwarranted and unhelpful.

      All families and the dynamic are different. Of course how we guide them is instrumental in how they develop but

      there are lots of other factors too.

      For instance, one of my sons seemed a lazy little git with no purpose. Instead it turned out he was insecure in himself and lacked confidence.

      I am extremely proud of how my sons have turned out but that wasn’t always the case and I often felt hurt by their behaviours.

      Be true to yourself, enjoy this time now and hopefully when they have matured and become parents themselves, they will understand the sacrifices you made for them.

      All the best Vx

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    • Jo35 23rd February 2021 at 4:02 pm

      No Shirlann, they’re adults, you’ve done your bit. Don’t ever feel guilty because you’ll end up drowning in guilt and won’t be able to see the wood for the trees. Not to mention that resentment will build which will turn into bitterness which you will make you feel even more guilty which is just an all consuming position to be in which will eat you alive. All you need to know is that you love them and if noone understands or cares about your needs then ask the more reason for you to put your foot down! Don’t let life pass you by and then you end up wondering what did you do to make you happy which you probably have lost sight of already. I’ve been in your shoes. My children have learnt that i want and deserve to be happy because I have demanded that the respect that and that i will always be there for them but they need to get in with it themselves as grown adults and i’m not just her to be at their beck and call.

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      • Shirlann 23rd February 2021 at 11:28 pm

        I’m just learning how to put myself first and trying to not let anyone make me feel bad about myself 🙂

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        • Jo35 24th February 2021 at 5:00 am

          Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve it. Try to keep more positive people around you to counteract the negative around you. Start to do little things for yourself each day even if it’s to steal five minutes for yourself. It will take time for you and others to adjust, it took me a while and I caved in a few times but I got so fed up that i insisted on being respected and also realised that i needed to treat myself with respect because of i didn’t others wouldn’t. You can do it, one day at a time it does get easier and you will find a new lease of life.

          Remember that no one has a right make you feel bad about yourself and the ones that do that, the weakness is in them not you.

          You are worthy and deserving 🙂

          Reply
    • Deleted User 23rd February 2021 at 4:46 pm

      My parents passed away years ago. I loved them and I know they did the best they could.
      I was an only child so I got what ever they had to give.
      However. There were elements of their parenting which I could challenge.
      I was more of a creative kid and prefered lego to dolls. I would have liked a meccano set and a scalectrix but wasnt allowed because I was a girl.
      When I was 9 my mother almost had a heart attack because I said when I was older I wanted to ride a motorbike.
      In short , they found it difficult to accept who I was and wanted a clone of themselves.
      My dad found it difficult to listen to my point of view. He was always right. He once told me that under his roof I would think as he thought.
      I did well at school and i would say conformed to what they wanted. A job , marriage, children. My dad called me a rebel !!!
      Its not always about giving material things. Its giving what the child needs in the way its needed and understanding their individuality.
      Try asking your grown up children about their childhood . You might be surprised at their answers.

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    • TomF456 23rd February 2021 at 6:52 pm

      This is a real tough one to answer as my relationship with my late father was so much based on him pulling the guilt card. He felt his role as the “head of the family” meant we all had to jump when he told how high. I would jump through a sense of duty unlike my younger brother who completely disowned him and had no communication with him for over 15 years up to his death, and in hindsight I know he was being far more was more honest with my father than I was as i had no particular love for him.

      With this in mind my relationship with my kids (25 yo twins) has been built on my genuine belief that as parents we have to give our adult children the knowledge that they owe us nothing … and if they do need just to chew the fat about life or want my view of life I’m here at the end of the phone. Thankfully this has served me well as i have always had healthy relatioship with them that i could only have dreamt of where my father was concerned,

      Reply
    • Jay Taylor 23rd February 2021 at 7:00 pm

      Hi everyone, good to read all the comments. Being a parent is very challenging but also rewarding. However, when circumstances change to something unexpected feels like all the hard work and effort of bringing up a child has been washed away and that child cannot even begin to understand or appreciate how you feel. The upset and hurt is over whelming with no words to describe the hurt.
      Can someone help me understand how a parent comes to terms with a child being gay.

      Reply
      • Sandyg 25th February 2021 at 5:06 am

        these days when surrogacy as well as adoption available for gay couples means they too can raise a family, so you can still have grandchildren, there is very little about them being gay that you can in reality object to …it dosent change who they are , or their relationship with you .
        These days nobody bats an eyelid about it, its just another kind of normal.. Keep them close, don’t lose them over it ..

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    • manbug 14th March 2021 at 6:00 pm

      what a shame your family can not love you for who you are

      Reply
    • Mauci 18th December 2021 at 3:07 pm

      In such situations, both sides are always to blame. Children are spoiled and have no appreciation and respect for their parents. Parents spoil their children and give them too much. It is just the desire to provide them with the best. Still, sometimes the younger generation takes everything for granted. This is the eternal problem of fathers and children. My niece is raised by her strict mother to not be spoiled. Curfew, parental controls on the phone like this https://www.familyorbit.com and so forth are usual. I know she’s just trying to keep her daughter out of various dangers and worried about her, but the girl takes it all as a bad attitude towards her. All of this often leads to scandals.

      Reply
    • Pennypitstop 19th December 2021 at 12:08 pm

      Have a family meeting, or write them all the same letter telling them that you love them but it is now time for them to become independant and you will not be baling them out anymore…they will never learn responsibility for themselves and what will they do when you are no longer here. I guess it will be hard when your hubby isn’t on board though. Or if you can afford it give them all a one off money gift a year and tell them that is it, they choose how to spend it but the bank of mum and dad is closed. I don’t think we do our children any favours by giving them money or buying things all the time but thats my opinion.

      Reply
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