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Solace Posted 1 year ago
I am in immense pain from losing my partner of 35 years and mother of my 3 sons .I wake every morning in pain after broken sleep and then try to put on a positive display for my sons . I feel the pain is shared but also quadrupled. I seek guidance and inspiration . Thank you
3 likes & 23 replies
    • VFP 17th April 2021 at 7:02 pm

      No one has responded to this yet, and I hope they do because you need some comfort to ease your pain. My situation isn’t the same as yours – I was with my husband for ten wonderful years but he died last July. The shock was huge – he had been fit and well – and it has taken a long time for me to process what happened. The pain is still searing. Everyone who loses a loved one suffers, but I believe that we must keep strong. Not only for others, but for ourselves. We are still alive and although sometimes life does not seem worth living, it is still a huge gift. We can’t escape tragedy and sorrow in life, and the longer we live, the more people we lose. But we must try to be strong. As for me, I will be grateful for my life until my last breath.

      • Solace 17th April 2021 at 8:24 pm

        Thanks for positive response . But at the moment I can not see a way out of this pain and looking to a longer life is daunting . I am not sure what inspiration I was looking for as I know the way out of this is incredibly difficult . Thanks again . Sorry to trouble you ..

        • VFP 17th April 2021 at 8:49 pm

          You haven’t troubled me, but you have made me think about your statement ‘I can not see a way out of this pain’. I can’t see a way out of my pain either but I am resigned to living with it. Today I was thinking ‘if you knew when you met Jon that he would pass away after only ten years, leaving you in pain and huge sadness, would you have walked away?’ Of course not. I feel blessed that I had the best ten years of my life with him and I had the privilege of caring for him, making sure he knew he was loved until the moment he died.

          I have never had counselling, so I don’t know what people are supposed to do with their pain, but I have always been a positive person, which helps. You may want to consider bereavement counselling – it may help you.

        • Solace 17th April 2021 at 9:37 pm

          Thanx VFP . Sharing grief and experiences can be useful and your message did resonate with me . I now realise I am in too deep a hole to discuss my grief at the moment having deleted my initial responses. Thanks again

        • VFP 17th April 2021 at 9:13 pm

          I want to offer my condolences as well.

    • Andy Paddles 17th April 2021 at 8:30 pm

      Solace – sincere condolences.

      You don’t say how old your sons are – if you were with your partner for 35 years I assume they are not children – my advice would be share with them, grieve together, be the best team that you can.

      If the pain gets too much – reach out, your GP or there are specialist bereavement charities who can offer support. Reach out to whoever, but don’t suffer alone.
      Best wishes,

    • Deleted User 18th April 2021 at 8:05 am

      Hi sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 42years last year,he had been ill for 2 years lost his voice, so no last word from him, miss him every day, you must think of all the good times,talk to him but try not do it when yo your out, I forget sometime😊 cry in the shower if you can, the snot can just wash away, but your son’s need to see you cry as well . Be strong, you can do this xx

    • Pam63 18th April 2021 at 10:23 am

      Solace, so sorry for your loss.
      My husband of 37 years passed away last July, sometimes the pain is unbearable, restless night’s and waking each day to the truth again that he is not here, I’ve wondered what is the point of carrying on? But I owe it to myself ,our daughters and him to live a life. Talk to your sons, be open with them,you can work your way through as a family. Bereavement counselling may help , feel free to DM if you want to chat, you are not alone, take care x

    • Beryl20 18th April 2021 at 1:46 pm

      Hi Solace. I am in the same position as you. I lost my husband of 33 years in January and the pain is unbearable and I too don’t know how to look ahead. It was sudden so it is still a shock to us . I have 2 sons in their late 20’s who have been fantastic. We all cry when we need to. I try to be strong for them but I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I think we need to all grieve when the wave comes as individuals. These are only my thoughts. I wish I could fast forward a year when it might feel better. I have tried to keep busy and am trying to find groups to join where I might be able to meet new people. I am happy to talk to you if you DM me. Take care.

    • Jeanius 18th April 2021 at 6:09 pm

      Oh gosh, I’ve only just seen this x I’m so very sorry for your loss, your pain will be unbearable I’m sure . . So so hard to deal with x you don’t say how long ago you lost your partner? Though having said that, it makes no difference x pain is pain x all you can do at the moment, is do what you’re doing x get up, even though your exhausted through lack of sleep x you need to take care of yourself . . EAT! CRY! and talk about your partner x keep her memory alive x You must be kind to yourself x Are your children young? Do you have friends that you can talk to?

    • Amy Silverston 19th April 2021 at 11:13 am

      You may find the website called Way Up useful. – https://way-up.co.uk/

      It is specifically for people who have lost their partners/spouses and is home to thoughtful reflections as well as a place to share advice and more light-hearted exchanges. Some people use it to check in with each other every morning, which helps combat the aloneness of an otherwise empty house.

      There are also regular get-togethers via Zoom.

      There are quite a few male members, including those left with several children.

      Most importantly, it is a terrifically supportive community of people who understand. There are several names on this website that are familiar from Wayup.

    • Paula’splace 19th April 2021 at 3:37 pm

      Solace so sorry for the loss, I feel your pain, I was left in 2017 with two sons at the age of 58. After forty years of marriage. I will try to offer you some support but to be honest with you the first year is a bit of a blur. Luckily I don’t drink so it was not due to alcohol .I was lucky that I had my two sons living at home 23 and 21. No friends or family close to help really. I also had a business to closed down a VW camper and beetle repair shop with a shell of a 500SL Mercedes in it. The owner already invested £25,000 and I could find no one who wanted to finish the rebuild. The landlord wanted the space back so I had to get this sorted.
      The first few days we did not eat, so many meals cooked and left, We didn’t sleep the three of us sat up until the early hours, maybe falling asleep for an hour or so .Even the dog was sad, lying at the foot of his chair.
      People try to help but I was close to punching the next person that quoted ‘ Time is a great healer ‘ it is not. !
      Some of them expect you to have ‘got over it ” after six months.

      So without going into detail the pressure of having to put affairs into order got me out of bed every day, even though I didn’t want to.
      My son kept saying we are going to be ok, we will look after you Mum.
      Solace you can sink or swim. I made a promise to myself and these two boys as I walked behind them carrying their father’s coffin, I am not going to let you down.
      I did not want to be a burden to them I did overhear them months later deciding who was going to stay in and ‘Mumsit ” as I called it.
      Luckily I like my own company and eventually, they would leave me on my own. I did go a bit manic, joining fitness classes, took the boys on four holidays in one year. The best advice I got was from my GP when I asked him for some pills to get me through on a really bad day. He said you have to feel the pain and the grief, but you have to be kind to yourself, sleep as much as you need to, treat yourself to whatever, you need to get through the day, a bar of chocolate, a glass of something. A loss like this is the same as having a life-threatening accident and being left with life-changing scars.
      Also, you have to just take one day at a time this is true
      There will be really really terrible days when you think you are going out of your mind, Then there will be just really sad days, An Ok day will come along to be followed by a worse one. The emotions are draining, fear, anger, sorrow, sadness, desperation all in the space of an hour. Cry do cry you will feel better after it don’t keep it in.
      The pain will ease how long it takes is a very personal thing.
      Making memorials helps, I have a bench, some of my favourite photos enlarged. If your energy allows just try to keep busy so you are exhausted at night and hopefully will be able to sleep.
      The pain is multiplied – but I attach a photo to show you where I got my strength from, no Mother can bear to see her children in pain. I was determined not to add to their worry or pain. So for the past four years if ever they asked ‘ Are you ok Mum?’ the answer however I really felt has always been Yes. Big hugs to you and your boys.

    • waterbrook 19th April 2021 at 3:45 pm

      Unfortuñately putting on a brave face can backfire. It’s important to keep channels of communication open it could be possible that everyone is trying to put on a brave face. This can lead to miss communication and missed opportunities to support one another at a time when everyone needs support and understanding.

    • Optimistic 19th April 2021 at 3:46 pm

      Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your wife and your pain. My husband passed away 5.5years ago and I still miss him. Unfortunately the feeling of loss does not go away you just learn to live with it. The pain does ease but can catch you out when you least expect it. Your sons will be grieving too, so if possible share your grieving with them and keep her alive by talking about her and remembering the good times. Do not feel embarrassed about sharing on here we are all here to help each other. Take Care

    • Paula’splace 19th April 2021 at 3:53 pm

      PS ; Also there will be days where you want to talk and I mean talk and talk if anyone is there to listen, and other days that you dont. I gave up trying to make sense of it all . In the early days just get through each hour. I promise it does get easier. That searing pain in your gut, take time sit down take a few huge deep breaths in and out and it will ease.

    • Paula’splace 19th April 2021 at 3:54 pm

      Your boys will probably all grieve differently too, I had a talker and the other one just closed up. Until one evening a few months later he came into my room and broke down. Heartbreaking.

    • Yogi61 5th May 2021 at 8:26 pm

      Solace, two weeks have passed since you posted, how are you ? and your son’s ?Your post resonated so much with me. Your pain was so raw at the time. I know the first few weeks of losing my husband I couldn’t even speak to anyone without breaking down. Don’t worry if you don’t feel like responding, just to let you know you are not alone in all the mixed up emotions you will be feeling.
      Take care .

    • Marg292 16th May 2021 at 4:36 pm

      So very sorry for your loss. There are no magic words to make the pain go away I’m afraid.I lost my husband of 28 years , 4 and a half years ago. We have 3 children. It’s simply awful, but you have to deal with things that are set out ahead of you in your own time and pull together as a family. I don’t know what I would have done without my children, they have given me so much strength and courage that I am so proud of them. They have been my rock.
      I’m sure you will get through this sad time. You are stronger than you think. X

    • Gezam 15th August 2021 at 10:29 am

      Thank god you have your sons, they make you go forward and give you a reason
      To be strong. It’s very painful at the beginning, it’s a physical pain in your chest but this will pass. You will realise that it’s ok to embrace the good that life has to offer, stay busy but take time for you too, things can only get better in time but for now, hold those boys a little tighter xx

    • Iris. 15th August 2021 at 10:33 am

      I understand what you have to hide to protect your children. However if you open up to them you will be surprised how much they understand.