Home Forums Bereavement How am I going to cope tomorrow? Mum died one year...

Annie Smythe Posted 1 year ago
How am I going to cope tomorrow? Mum died one year ago from a massive stroke in front of me.
1 like & 24 replies
    • peter23 24th January 2021 at 9:09 pm

      You met the raw side of life: You say to yourself – I saw it: it happened : can I change it: no: Its horrible but I accept it is life: I go ahead with MY life

    • Sonny 24th January 2021 at 10:21 pm

      Spend the day celebrating the time you spent with her. Enjoy the memories and don’t focus on the last day but all the days that put a smile on your faces!

    • Bezzyboo 24th January 2021 at 11:26 pm

      First, be kind to yourself… be proud of yourself for getting through the year, however hard it’s been. Grief is so difficult to deal with and it takes a strong person to get through it.

      Remember your Mum isn’t suffering, she’s free from pain, and it’s us who got left behind that hurts so much. And I’m sure she would be very proud of you for battling on.

      On the year anniversary of my mums passing, my daughter and I cooked her favourite meal, we chatted about her a lot and laughed so hard at times we had tears. We spoke about how the past year had been and remembered how she would have been so upset knowing we were upset still. So we painted smiles on, had a little cry and toasted her! Thankful for the time we had with her in our lives.

      All sounds a bit cliche doesn’t it? But it was a hard day, couldn’t help but remember every detail and promised ourselves we would move on.

      I wouldn’t say time heals the wounds, but I would say we learn to cope with our losses better.

      Have a little cry, it’s healthy for you, and think about what you can do to be kind to yourself.

      A treat, something you don’t have often or a new book or magazine, a candle or flowers – whatever you fancy really. And smile because you were lucky to have her in your life for the length of time she was with you 🙂

    • Bezzyboo 24th January 2021 at 11:48 pm

      Such a difficult time for you, but I hope you have support around you Annie?

    • PhilB 25th January 2021 at 8:14 am

      First anniversaries are difficult. But it’s simply another day. Yes, you could spend it in a second by second remembrance of a year ago, but you could do that yesterday or tomorrow. You could decide to note it as a special day by spending time in thought for an hour you set aside, spend it playing music your mum would have liked, or indeed spend it sobbing if that’s what you need to do. Whatever you decide, it’s going to take exactly 24 hours – same as yesterday, same as tomorrow, so you *will* get through it. Because you got through the previous 364 days. We build these things up in our heads, but really – it’s just another day.

    • Northern lass 25th January 2021 at 10:35 am

      Fortunately I have a good friend who is a therapist and she was able to help me quite soon after I lost my husband to a heart attack whilst I tried CPR. She supported me through the post traumatic stress and panic attacks enabling me to move through that trauma. Perhaps a good therapist can help you too. I hope so xxx

    • HelenAnt 25th January 2021 at 2:05 pm

      Be kind to yourself. Make yourself something nice to eat for your tea. Go and see her wherever she is resting. Remember the good times. Also remember that you have survived a year and she would be proud of you I’m sure xx

      • Annie Smythe 25th January 2021 at 2:50 pm

        Thank you. I feel so guilty when others have suffered so much worse. Mum had a good long life and at 92 was remarkable in body and mind. We had a wonderful last year when she came to live nearby to me and a wonderful last week. She didn’t suffer like so many have done, she didn’t die young. But I feel as if I’m inside a sad bubble and others don’t see my sadness and I don’t show them it either. I will never be the same again but I say to myself enjoy every day particularly with the grand kids. I miss her more than I imagined I would even though we were so close. Sorry for rambling but I’ve been to the supermarket and am sat in my car weeping. Ridiculous.

        • HelenAnt 25th January 2021 at 3:41 pm

          It isn’t ridiculous at all, you’re grieving. Grief has no time limit. Today she is bound to be on your mind more than other days. If you hadn’t loved her so much, you wouldn’t miss her so much. Losing someone you’re very close to is like losing a limb, eventually you learn to cope without it but you will never be the same again. The memories of that precious time you had together will always be with you xx

        • Annie Smythe 25th January 2021 at 5:20 pm

          Thank you for those words. I’ve WhatsApp my sons and daughter in laws and grandkids on a group call and it really helped. I feel a bit more together. Thanks again.

        • MarianHaste 1st February 2021 at 11:11 am

          It’s not ridiculous to be crying just a year after losing your mum. It’s natural; normal. It’s still raw. I still cry over the loss of my mum and sister and they are both many years ago. Just let it out.
          There is an old cliche that it takes five years to get over a loss – whether an unwanted divorce or a death. I am not sure I agree – I don’t think you ever fully get over it, but the raw pain becomes more of an ache as time passes.
          But I sometimes still just want my mum.
          Good luck to you.

        • Annie Smythe 1st February 2021 at 11:18 am

          Thank you for those kind words. I suppose in our own little world we have to realise that there are so many people who feel similar to you and there are many types of grieving.

        • MarianHaste 1st February 2021 at 5:33 pm

          There are, my love. I try desperately not to remember anniversaries but my good old subconscious kindly pops them to the fore on the relevant dates. Cheers, pal. I just do whatever I need to do to get through the day. Chin up, chucky.

    • HelenAnt 25th January 2021 at 8:53 pm

      Good, I’m glad you feel a bit more positive. I had bereavement therapy when my husband died of cancer and the therapist told me to get my PEAS every day-P for pleasure (walking, a hot bath, anything you like), E for exercise, A for achieve -even if on a bad day it’s just getting out of bed and S for socialise which is a bit more tricky in lockdown but you’ve done absolutely that by your WhatsApp calls. Look after yourself xxx

    • Jasper 25th January 2021 at 9:02 pm

      Grief is horrific and changes you forever, but it is true what other people told me, that in time you find ways to live with the horror and deal with your feelings a little better
      Its been 3 years for me since I lost my son and on the anniversary I make sure I have things planned to occupy me and my family members are with me to spend the day together. You will find your own traditions and ways of making this awful day easier to deal with.
      Sending love and virtual hugs xx

    • Chatty cath 31st January 2021 at 8:02 am

      Hope the day was better than you thought
      My mum died from a massive stroke at 57 i all these years on she did not have to live severely disabled .this gives me comfort …..
      Hope the grief and loss are more bearable for you

    • Annie Smythe 31st January 2021 at 8:57 am

      Six days on and life goes on as expected. The day passed with a heavy weight on my chest like a physical sensation of suffocating, but it’s gone now. I walked by the canal and river yesterday which is helping this awful process. I noticed a mossy tree looking like green velvet so beautiful. I’m missing friends and the physicality of my family at the moment but my baking skills have drastically improved!

    • Pippa 31st January 2021 at 1:37 pm

      I hope your day was ok I’ve only just checked in – please remeber that you had a traumatic shock that you couldn’t control and she was your mum and it’s Covid where you don’t have a ‘normal’ life with even less control in these times . It might help to keep a journal in these times and get your thoughts on to paper also I found saying to myself – how would I support a dear friend going through this then transpose those action to your well being. I lost my mum to cancer at 57 and my dad to Covid in November so these are practical things that others advised me of and I found they helped but I know we are all different 😉

      • Annie Smythe 31st January 2021 at 2:27 pm

        Thank you for your kind thoughts and I’m sorry you lost your dad at this strange time. I do have better days and as I have just come back from a walk in light snow I feel like my skin is so fresh and I’m ready for a late dinner and snuggle down for the rest of the afternoon.

    • Pippa 31st January 2021 at 3:19 pm

      Excellent enjoy your evening