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Hello everyone it’s my first post. My partner has retroactive jealousy which is a jealousy of the past. He is obsessed of a man I dated before him for around 3 months. He has called off our wedding. Left me. And now returned but the relentless questions still keep coming. Has anyone else had this ?
3 likes & 102 replies
    • Summerhouse 21 10th January 2021 at 12:33 pm

      I would kick him out. Your past belongs to you. It’s really none of his business.

    • Vanessa190 10th January 2021 at 7:34 pm

      On Channel 4 there’s a short drama called I am Nicola .. about a controlling relationship. Threats of suicide if she left him but tremendous pressure on her and she lost her life, her friends and mind .. well worth a watch. You’re not alone .. if he won’t agree to couples counselling then you really shouldn’t be dictated by his rules. You will forever be worried of putting a step wrong and believe me, it does drain you. If I knew what I knew now I would’ve left long before but I felt I couldn’t, I thought he needed me .. and he did, but for all the wrong reasons. It was to fuel his control and if it wasn’t on his terms then no choices were made.
      It’s so hard, but is it really love to be controlled and constantly abused as that is what he’s doing to you.
      You are the priority, you have one life so fulfill it with happiness .. a love you never knew existed will find you and it will be what you deserve. This is what I’ve been telling myself these past 18 months and whilst the pandemic makes things harder, I have formed friendships and reacquainted myself with friends I wasn’t allowed to speak to before and I realise how much I lost myself.
      Be kind on yourself but make the decision yourself and do as others have said write down the good, bad and ugly aspects of your circumstances.
      Really wish you well

      • Amanda in Durham 11th January 2021 at 1:19 pm

        Great post, Vanessa190! Totally agree with everything you say about Harry’s partner and how their future together might look.

        It’s fantastic to hear that you came out the other side and are now getting your life back!

        My life was turned upside down about 18 months ago as well, and it’s a good feeling to finally feel like myself again, but also to be discovering new things about myself at the same time.

        Here’s to growth and change!


        • Vanessa190 11th January 2021 at 5:36 pm

          It takes time doesn’t it Amanda.. there are times you feel helpless, a mess and wonder why relationships are so easy for some and so difficult for others.
          Sometimes having a kind heart and lots of love to give is the hardest when it’s used as a tool to feed someone else’s misery, you get dragged down and lose yourself. You really do have to love yourself and know your worth and not let anyone take away your sparkle.
          It’s easier said than done I know.. you fee that you find the one but you end up giving more than you ever receive.. it’s got to be a balance.
          I hope your energy is returning and you are finding yourself and the love of everything and everyone around you. We all need good friends and guardian angels to guide us at times ..xx

        • Amanda in Durham 11th January 2021 at 5:50 pm

          Another great post, Vanessa! You are so right about good friends and guardian angels, it wasn’t till I contacted a group of women friends that I got to know back in Germany that I really started to make progress and grow as a person.

          I am trying hard to set boundaries and know my worth, but it’s a slog breaking habits of a lifetime, as I imagine you know from personal experience!

          At the moment I am trying to practise self-compassion and self-love so that – should I come across anyone that I feel might be a good partner for me – I can enter a new relationship without all the old baggage that I took into my marriage.

          Take care

      • Amanda in Durham 12th January 2021 at 5:38 pm

        Thanks for the tip about the programme, “I am Nicola”, I watched it last night. It does give you a taste of how these people work, how crazy-making they are. Excellent performances by those two Nottingham actors (I have a soft spot for Nottingham because I lived near Nottingham from the age of 6 to 18, and my family lived there another ten years or so before they also moved away).

      • Marica 6th April 2021 at 9:01 pm

        Vanessa, you have really worded all that well, I agree with Amanda that it is great advice . It is too easy to feel guilty thinking they need you but you are right. The “need is to back something pretty toxic. I was with a narcissist for 20 years and then a bit later , I met another one for 3 months and the results of that have left me very scared by his actions. Harry, they all seem great at first but if you have found this out this early (and it is still early) in the relationship, this will never change and I think you know that . They are mentally damaged in some way and no amount of care from you will change this. Do give yourself a better life, only you can chose despite all our advice but take it from some of us who have had to deal with men who have had issues . We never come out it well if we don’t get out.

    • Amanda in Durham 11th January 2021 at 5:56 pm

      Hi Harry,

      How are you doing?

      It would be great to hear from you, I am sure everyone who posted in this thread would love to hear that you are OK, too!

      Wishing you all the best,


    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 12th January 2021 at 11:41 am

      Hi All thank you for giving me a chance to talk. I’m trying to be okay and want to be okay it just seems a long way off

    • Cherryinwiltshire 16th January 2021 at 7:49 pm

      Retoactive jealousy is impossible to deal with. You cannot change your past and if you have to conceal it, then honesty will always be missing in your relationship. Get out now before you find yourself throwing away all memories from the past in order to appease the green eyed monster.

    • Amy Silverston 20th January 2021 at 4:43 pm

      One of my sisters-in-law works with women in abusive relationships and may be able to help in practical ways. If you would like me to put you in touch with her please direct message me.

    • Officeboy 26th January 2021 at 7:30 pm

      Sadly it seems its mostly men that behave this way but its sometines women. i have three children and my wife has been verbally abusive narcissim controlling behavour and some physical abuse for over 15 years now shes more like the man, im so sick of it. I was in living room working from home she didnt like it and went mad place was tidy nothing wrong. Im trying to go back to office and will tell them i getting abuse from her, she says she dosent care. And the children are quiet towards me and im the nice one who hates aconflict. Im trying leave her but nowhere to go.

      • VFP 27th January 2021 at 12:53 pm

        I’m sorry to read about Harry’s situation and yours as well. Kind, empathetic people are real targets for narcissists/sociopaths, and extracting yourself is not easy.

        It sounds to me like your children may be afraid of your wife and therefore don’t want to risk getting her angry if she thinks they are taking your side. I expect they are suffering and need help too.

        I sincerely hope you can find help towards a better life for all of you. Viv

        • Officeboy 27th January 2021 at 8:47 pm

          Thank you for your comments they are correct. I just need a few kind friends to talk to and exchange stories. My misery has been heightened due to loneliness and the lockdown. I hope your doing alright.

        • VFP 27th January 2021 at 9:50 pm

          I’m doing OK but I have experienced being in an abusive relationship and I have to say I was lucky to escape. I totally empathise and hope you find that the comments and the care that people in this community offer each other offer comforting.

      • Amanda in Durham 27th January 2021 at 4:59 pm

        Hi Officeboy,

        Yes, women can be like this, too, I have seen multiple anecdotes about women with narcissistic personality styles. It sucks to live with these people, it is so draining and demoralising.

        I know of a group on FB which is for survivors of narcissistic abuse which is for men and women and seems to be for people in the UK, as far as I can tell. Do you use FB? There might be some people on there who can give you some pointers as to how you can escape and maybe also take the kids with you. Growing up with a narcissistic parent is no fun, the sooner you and your kids get away from this person the better.

        Sending strength and resilience,


      • Marica 6th April 2021 at 9:03 pm

        A friend of mine knows a good friend of hers, a man , who is going through exactly the dame as you did , OfficeBoy . But for some reason , he keeps saying he will go when the time is right but never does. We are afraid she will kill him literally one day as she is that toxic.

    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 27th January 2021 at 9:29 am

      Have you parents or friends you could stay with. You sound like you want to leave

    • Grogger 16th March 2021 at 10:25 am

      Yer run a mile sounds a nut

    • Fin 16th March 2021 at 4:55 pm

      Run very fast and very far away all the therapy in the world won’t change this person I always ask myself in situations that I have been uncomfortable in do I want to be doing this in 5 or 10 years time if you are willing to do that stay if not get out and make a new life

    • THISISIT 24th March 2021 at 6:02 pm

      Hi Harry, sounds like one uphill struggle without end. My suggestion ..step-1 take a look at the website A conscious Partner … step 2 read the founder, Bruce Dougherty BIO … step 3 identify & take all 4 separate pillars of this wonderful, fun, informal INTERACTIVE and FREE educational programme … they are …Attachment Style, What is love? Personality Types & identifying your Core Values. Step 4 .. xaha moment after aha moment of self revelation & insight. it has changed my life because so many of my unhealthy relational patterns were hidden from view .. tucked away in my sub conscious … once revealed .. &now on my conscious…so many confusing things made sense for the very first time … and the promise I made to myself …..never going back there again to those unhealthy relationships… I do hope this is helpful 😊🙋‍♀️🤗

    • Deleted User 24th March 2021 at 6:41 pm

      please don’t think this is bad, but I do think to myself thank goodness you didn’t marry as the repercussions would have been hell to live with. You have no duty to this guy to even give him a hello – he left you and now hasn’t come back with an apology but even more questions and grief – try to move on without him to a new and much brighter future.

    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 24th March 2021 at 7:25 pm

      I am really trying. Each day I get stronger xx

      • Marica 6th April 2021 at 9:04 pm

        Well done, if you can get some good support , it will help you to move on , and it sounds as if you should be doing this

    • THISISIT 24th March 2021 at 7:52 pm

      Stronger is perfect … a support system at this time is crucial … you deserve and have one !

    • Deleted User 24th March 2021 at 9:14 pm

      Escape now while you still can is my advice.
      This guy will not change and you’ll discover you married a control freak it’ll become total control and oh how you’ll regret not turning away right now.
      I’ve seen this behaviour twice in my daughters life.
      It took a little violence to end the first one I’m hoping we have gotten rid of the second by subtler means.
      If your response is but I love him then my response to you is you have very low esteem and need to deal with that before marrying anyone.
      All the best.

    • John666 25th March 2021 at 12:41 pm

      Walk away and don’t look back otherwise every Male you speak to will be the subject of his imagination. Are you clinging on with the hope he will change. The only thing that will change and I’m not afraid to say this you will end up as a small article of domestic abuse or even fatality due to his paranoia. Please get away. There is someone else out there for you no matter how much you love him. Fate is showing you now that you need to end it. I’m sorry if this upsets you. But your life and safety is the most important thing you have.

    • John666 25th March 2021 at 12:43 pm

      If you need the taxi fare I will gladly pay for it. No one should be treated like that

    • Deleted User 25th March 2021 at 1:27 pm

      Get out and move on life’s too short to live like that.

    • adeliza0165 25th March 2021 at 8:28 pm

      My ex was the same – very jealous. He wasn’t going to change – he couldn’t change – it’s just how he was. So in the end I had to change – I left him 😏👍

    • Annie W 3rd April 2021 at 9:14 pm

      I haven’t read the other comments yet so apologies if I am repeating anyone else. Being in a relationship with a man who exhibited this behaviour, it was because he was being unfaithful. He was projecting onto me his own guilty behaviour and accusing me of being unfaithful, I wasn’t, he was – it was more complicated than this but this is the shortened version. This may not be the case with you but I would say it is worth exploring as it may go towards understanding his behaviour. It’s typical behaviour of a cheating spouse. Maybe you should try asking him if he has been talking to any other women, turn the accusations back on him in a calm, controlled manner. In any case, do you really want to commit yourself to a jealous man? It’s a red flag to me and could lead to controlling behaviour where no one is happy. In a loving, committed, trusting relationship, it is entirely possible for people to have platonic relationships with others without having to deal with accusations. If there are accusations, there are trust issues and if there are, its incredibly difficult to maintain any kind of balance in the relationship.

    • g 5th April 2021 at 6:54 am

      Leave.. he needs help and until he gets it he could be dangerous.. I work in mental health. Get as far away as you can..anything threatening happens -let the police know.. and watch your back.

    • richvidal 6th April 2021 at 6:16 pm

      I always say “I embrace your past because it sent you on the road towards me”…

      I cant pretend it didn’t happen and I cant wish away certain aspects of it because I am not comfortable with it, as that would mean you took a different road and we would not have met

    • Fluff 6th April 2021 at 6:49 pm

      Oh dear, unfortunately ‘Yes’. Cannot offer a positive soloution, I’m afraid.

    • Sonny1234 12th April 2021 at 4:19 pm

      Walk away , if a person has a problem with your past there will always be issues in the future , all the jealousy, mind games & controlling behaviour will never allow you to be happy & in the end totally drain you , it’s the worst thing for any relationship, I was in a similar situation, it was the worst period of my adult life ,both men & women suffer from this terrible problem .

    • CAAS 6th May 2021 at 4:52 pm

      GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. If you haven’t already. I’ve never had a problem like this in my life, but a friend of my Sisters did. Her partner/ boyfriend
      wouldn’t let her out on her own’ If she even glanced at another man, once they got home she would receive a beating, She was abused on a regular basis. Thankfully she managed to escape with the help of friends and he was arrested and is now in jail Once he is realised, he has to have no contact with her in any form i.e email text, letter etc, and he can not go within 500yds of her under the threat if he breaks any of these conditions he will go straight back to jail.

    • Deleted User 6th May 2021 at 4:59 pm

      Get out believe e it’s the best thing you will do.
      If you need support their own separate organisations you can contact women’s refugees help lines sometimes I know feels like you’re on your own when you don’t have family or friends to help you but believe me you’re not on your own get the help you need to get out while you can

    • Deleted User 8th May 2021 at 10:55 pm

      Why did he leave you?
      To bully another woman?
      Why on earth did you let him back in?
      You must have very very low self esteem with no self respect whatsoever and you’r life will sink ever deeper into misery until you deal with these personal problems.
      If you don’t deal with them and get enough self respect to chuck his stuff out the front door and change the locks you can only be headed for hell.
      That hell could include death.
      No he’d never go that far…ask the police how many times they’ve heard that one and how many times they’ve scratched their heads thinking why did this woman allow all this?
      Get rid of him and have some hidden muscle on hand who just happen to appear in his face at just the right time.

    • Hillary 11th May 2021 at 5:09 pm

      What a terrible situation to be in. You must be devastated!

      I am an international Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner and Transformational Life Coach. I deal with people who are going through sticky relationships just like you.

      If you think I can help you please do let me know.

      I work over Zoom – so it doesn’t matter where you live.

      Hillary x


      • Deleted User 21st May 2021 at 8:26 pm

        Sticky relationship?
        You’re on another planet if you think this situation is sticky.
        This woman needs out of there now and he probably needs a good kicking.

    • Lindyschoe 21st May 2021 at 10:30 am

      Oh, that’s terrible. Patience to you !

    • Lautrec 21st May 2021 at 10:32 am

      I understand. I had a terribly jealous husband. Only in my case, he was jealous of every man. He could have made a scene because I could say hello to my work colleague. I can’t tell you how tired I was. However, when we were getting ready for the wedding, he wasn’t so jealous of me. I believed that our life after the wedding wouldn’t change, but I was deeply mistaken. We had a great wedding, just like at https://www.pinterest.com/pin/176836722858788140/. I hoped our marriage would be as strong as theirs. But a year later, we divorced. I filed for divorce because I was tired of the constant jealousy and scandals about the same thing.