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Stuegie Posted 6 months ago
Getting Someone Motivated

My wife and myself have been struggling for around 7 years now to get her youngest son motivated to go out, get a job and plan a life for himself. At 23 he does nothing but sit at his computer all day and all night. Yes 24 hours a day, he plays games throughout the night then sleeps in his computer chair rather than in his bed during the day. He does nothing else and just will not do anything that he is asked. Recently he went 25 days without a shower or change of clothes, 3 1/2 weeks !! We just don’t know what to do anymore and we get no help or interest in him from anyone. Social Services won’t get involved as he is over 18 and Doctor’s just suggest tablets or talking therapy but he does not want either.

1 like & 14 replies
    • Gaetano 11th June 2021 at 3:55 pm

      Hi Stuegie,

      Many thanks for sharing your massive challenge with us, I’m sure the rest of the Community here will further support you.

      It’s a very tricky one and the only thing I can think of is to maybe you get in touch with the Samaritans and/or Silver Line, explain the situation and see whether they can help you and/or refer you to somebody who can. Contact Samaritans on 116 123 or Silver Line on 0800 470 8090.

      Hope that helps and good luck!

    • Rowan 11th June 2021 at 7:04 pm

      Some would say have to be cruel to be kind but can see looks like you tried this…maybe set little requirements if living home rent free jobs or needs to pay a little …guess also you can only do very small steps at a time…does he eat with you etc ? Sometimes guess life seems too big to sort in one go …query a mentor …would he work in a charity shop eg a couple of hours or mow some appropriate persons lawn etc I can imagine how challenging/upsetting for you and his wife…I wish you all the best…

    • Helenc 12th June 2021 at 8:23 am

      Hi both, could this be classed an addiction ? And therefore a Mental Health illness . Maybe worth trying to find a support for online gaming addiction
      The National Centre for Gaming Disorders is a gaming addiction clinic in the UK that provides treatment for problem gamers living in England and Wales aged 13 and over. We assess and treat the needs of problem gamers as well as their family members or carers.

      The clinic helps young people and their families overcome problem gaming. The service is led by a consultant psychiatrist and staffed by psychologists and family therapists.

    • Shirlann 12th June 2021 at 9:39 am

      From our own experience there’s not much you can do unfortunately 😟until he is ready to admit there is a problem.

    • Shirlann 12th June 2021 at 5:08 pm

      Also any mental health groups will tell you got to come from him if any help offered because he’s a adult now 🙄

    • Sandyg 12th June 2021 at 5:28 pm

      move out yourselves and leave him to it .If nobody’s supplying his food and the electric and Internet get cut off because he isn’t paying bills, he will soon wake up to the real world

    • Sandyg 12th June 2021 at 5:36 pm

      Move out yourselves and leave him to it , maybe? Make him be self sufficient,perhaps try it for a month or 3,
      no food coming to him means he will have to get up to shop and to cook.and to earn money for the food, also for the electric and Internet., which will be cut off if he dosent pay for them…that would be the end of isgaming..(You would have to stop your payments of that of course, )
      Tough love, drastic measures for a dreadful goldfish-bowl existence scenario…he can only live like that if you are enabling him to do so..Give him 6 weeks notice that you are going to do this,and be sure he knows you will.

    • Millybee 12th June 2021 at 6:34 pm

      What happens when you go away on holiday ? He must feed himself then, maybe next time you go away for at least 2 -3 weeks do not stock the cupboard/ fridge with food. Tell him weeks in advance that you are going away & he will need to find himself a job cos you are not going to keep him as you need the money for your holiday

    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 12th June 2021 at 7:21 pm

      Stuegie , this is certainly a tricky one and seems to be indicative with a lot of his generation, so he’s not alone in the virtual world that he chooses to exist in, personally I believe that some of the best years of your life are between 18 and 25, you really are or should be at your peak and in your prime in every respect, it is such a waste on so many levels. I agree with the comments already mentioned, I think there is some sort of mental health issue but one that has developed and festered over a relatively long time, he needs a reason a big reason to something for himself, he’s clearly got lazy, complacent , self obsessed but in truth has a life where he wants for nothing and doesn’t have to do anything. He may also be suffering low level depression as his self esteem must be low , will he go see his GP….. Or as suggested some counselling could be constructive.

      It’s so sad that the young man is literally wasting away and not making any worthwhile contribution to the household or to society its just going to get worse not better unless he wakes up and gets a grip on himself and his future, you will probably find that this reclusive lifestyle has resulted in a total lack of confidence and therfore he will have not mental or physical energy to do something positive and worthwhile for himself and others , he would rather spend his energy on computer games where there is no responsibly , you can be anyone you want to be, have an alter ego , you can be superman I or Batman f you want but in reality cannot function in the real world.

      Take him to oneside, maybe even have a beer together, nothing confrontational or judgemental, apeal to his common sense, where does he see himself in five years, how is his lifestyle affecting his health, how is he going to meet anybody and have a ‘life of his own’….? Maybe try to suggest a hobby that he might enjoy, I would certainly recomend join a gym, weight training and exercise is a terrific mood enhancer and sure can build confidence and give someone a purpose and a challenge, both of which are sadly lacking in his life. Be on his side, be firm yet fair, keep youself calm and show genuine concern, having a go at him will only get his back up and fuel his excuse for being a hermit and one of the great unwashed………. Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

    • Marica 12th June 2021 at 7:57 pm

      I feel so bad for you . My son is a bit older and again, he spends all his spare time in his bedroom on games or TV. I started giving him Vit D drops was he never sees the sun or goes for walks. but he does have a p/t job and goes there and sees his friends once a week . I agree that unless your son wants to help himself , no action will help , even not feeding him etc as they just end up not bothering and the situation gets worse. I got my son to sign up for counselling and he just stopped going. Does he have any other friends? If so can they come over . can you talk to them if so ?

    • Rowan 12th June 2021 at 8:13 pm

      Been thinking about this post and some very wise words on here…and I have some limited experience I note in the introduction that this is your wife’s son…just a question is there a father/ fathers family who could also help or is that a contributory factor…I actually do think life so much harder for this age group and the silly last year really not helped with having to isolate effectively and people did this to different degrees

    • Stuegie 15th June 2021 at 1:39 pm

      Thank you all for taking time to comment, it does appear to be a “thing” with the 16 to 25 year olds these days, probably the best time of their life and they just sit around doing nothing. Until he sees the issue there is not much that we can do.