Home Forums Dating Direct messaging! Free dating or pestering?

loislane Posted 9 months ago
Direct messaging! Free dating or pestering?

I’m not against contact, if someone happens to like someone then that’s great. When it’s some men using this service to pester as many women as they can, then that’s not ok.

13 likes & 153 replies
    • e2 4th March 2021 at 5:13 pm

      Depends if you keep messaging 🙂 don’t believe in paying for the service if it can be free 🙂 just need to be careful not to offend anyone with 2 many messages if that’s what they are not looking for

      • loislane 4th March 2021 at 6:10 pm

        I take on board what you are saying, but there are some on here who prey on women, if you like someone then go ahead and say so. It’s the ones messaging many women at the same time, begging for phone numbers, or disappearing….ghosting in other words. That is not the way to go and damages goodwill.

        • NeilP 4th March 2021 at 7:36 pm

          You would think people would have more respect and treat people the right way.

        • loislane 4th March 2021 at 7:46 pm

          It doesn’t do anyone any good, it creates intentional harm to those who have suffered in the past or still going through some form of hurt. The ones who do it have only themselves in mind and no thought or respect for who they target.

      • loislane 4th March 2021 at 7:48 pm

        I also have to say, I’m not sure that DM was meant to be used or abused in this way

    • MontyCarlo 4th March 2021 at 8:06 pm

      I’m guessing the ability to direct message is a positive aspect of the site, allowing people to discuss ‘off line’ or without everyone seeing it.
      The challenge is with ‘people’! Every person is different and most decent individuals would feel it was inappropriate to pester someone there are some who do not have the same rules/morals/views as most.
      I’m guessing the ‘report’ button is the answer?
      Sorry to hear that some men are not behaving like gentlemen, I can only apologise on behalf of the decent chaps.

      • loislane 4th March 2021 at 8:13 pm

        I totally agree with you, I will be reporting those who I feel are inappropriate, I want other women to also do this because I feel it taints the positive experiences on here, I don’t want to take every man with the same brush, i’m not against all men despite being on the receiving end of much abuse over many years. I want this site to be safe and free from that sort of detriment.
        I welcome messages, of course I do, and if two people do find that they like each other then I’m all for it.
        Most men on here are respectful.
        Thank you for your apology, no need really yet gratefully received.

    • MontyCarlo 4th March 2021 at 8:23 pm

      The very least I could do!

      The point I was trying to make was that there are good and less good, people in the world, it is less to do with their gender, age, ethnicity, sexuality or beliefs, but more to do with their personality.

      If you know your own worth, then you do not need to compromise on what you accept in life.

      • loislane 4th March 2021 at 8:25 pm

        Absolutely true, some of us weren’t taught about our self worth, therein lies the problem that can set us up for a positive or negative outlook in life.

    • MontyCarlo 4th March 2021 at 8:31 pm

      But it’s never to late to learn from experiences and from others.
      They say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome 🤣

    • MontyCarlo 4th March 2021 at 8:50 pm

      The challenge is select the ‘correct’ response to the stimuli we receive from others, rather than just react with emotions.

      All a bit deep for here tho’ 🤣 Next we’ll be discussing nature vs nurture on the behaviour of some of the less pleasant people who are the pesterers.

    • Gill B 4th March 2021 at 9:11 pm

      This sort of thing will affect some people more than others based on their life experiences to date. Those that have fallen victim to someone with narcistic tendencies will be more apt to feel very hurt and upset to find its happening to them again, as they relive nightmare times of the past. It is really tough on those people too, and not to be belittled and dismissed.

      From my point of view I don’t mind direct messaging at all, after all how on earth do you get to know others? We can always ignore messages from people we don’t feel a connection with. I don’t even mind if someone is messaging more than one person in order to try to get to know people better.

      I guess where it really becomes an issue is if someone is particularly vulnerable maybe craving a relationship, is specifically targetted because of their vulnerability, and believes that they are forming a great relationship with an individual, not realising that others on the page are entering into an identical relationship with the same person. How would you know that you have become someone else’s prey, that they are on a mission to win you over, to gain your trust, to win your affection, whilst at the same time they are following exactly the same routine with others at the same time? Direct messaging affords the privacy that the perpetrator needs in order not to be found out – and relies on the prey not talking to anyone else about it.

      These behaviours are not specific to men either. I understand women can be predatory too. So it is something for us all to be wary of I think. Thankfully they are not in abundance, and its sad they exist at all, and can’t form relationships in any other way. It makes those who have been victims in the past very wary and distrusting, but it is very hard to identify them because they operate covertly.

      Overall, I would rather have DM in order to chat. However its important not to engage with anyone you don’t feel 100% comfortable with. If there are alarm bells ringing, maybe something isn’t quite right (maybe moving too quickly), maybe they are inconsistent in what they are saying, maybe they leading with a low mood to gain your sympathy and then be a bit harsh or cutting .. listen to your gut. If in doubt, take a rain check. Maybe DM someone else whom you think might also be a target and see if they have had a similar experience with the same person.

      Above all I say lets just chill with this social interaction site, and enjoy the banter and conversation that goes with it. I just hope I haven’t said anything to offend anyone either!

      • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 4:34 pm

        Well said Gill. Apart form a couple of odd messages early on my joining, I have only ever had pleasant messages from both men and women. But I agree with how past experiences can affect us in our responses and also not getting too wrapped up in things without knowing if the same person is messaging 6 people at once if showing signs of wanting “get to know you better”. To be honest , only meeting someone face to face will ever really determine if a relationship pans out

        • Gill B 22nd March 2021 at 6:35 pm

          Yeah Marica… so true. At the end of the day, if someone sends a message, its good to enjoy the conversation. When it comes to meeting someone face to face, that is when the nerves will kick in I guess.. except if I am meeting one of the ‘girls’ lol

        • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 6:54 pm

          😀 Yep, know what you mean

    • loislane 4th March 2021 at 9:19 pm

      We certainly need a block button as it’s all subjective according to our experiences. As I said I’m not against DM, as you say, how do we get to know people! It’s the ones you don’t get a good feeling about, then find others are getting this too, this is unacceptable.

      • lyndabrownbath 6th March 2021 at 10:41 am

        I just ignore messages that ring warning bells in my head. They get fed up if no response. As I age there are more and more things that I have no time for.

      • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 4:35 pm

        The mediators will block people for you if they feel something is unacceptable but have not got a block button in place for us just yet , but that may be work in progress

    • MontyCarlo 4th March 2021 at 9:28 pm

      All excellent comments and views!
      I think we all feel for those who are vulnerable.
      This may sound harsh, but it’s not possible to legislate against people getting hurt by the unscrupulous individuals about. The answer is possibly access to moderators who can support the vulnerable and look into concerns. Eventually however, as individuals, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Your comments about if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right and if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
      I accept that if people are lonely and desperate for attention and interaction, it can make it harder to take a balanced view on the attention you are receiving.
      Intrinsically, I think you never really get to know someone until you spend time together and probably live under some sort of stress.

      • loislane 4th March 2021 at 10:03 pm

        Well reasoned from all, I get that we are all responsible for ourselves and how we deal with things, but there are those who find that difficult. So on my part, I will deal with what comes my way whether that’s reporting it or not.

      • Gill B 6th March 2021 at 7:36 am

        .. I agree… and even if it leads to a relationship/partnership in the end, some people may indeed may not be able to see it for what it is, although others may notice!

      • adeliza0165 20th March 2021 at 4:47 pm

        What you just said, ‘ …doesn’t feel right…’ is very true – you get a ‘gut’ feeling & when you do you have to listen to it.

        • MontyCarlo 20th March 2021 at 4:56 pm

          I think that ladies are generally better at ‘listening to their gut’ than men – I’m guessing it has something to do with being in better touch with their emotions? 🤔

        • loislane 20th March 2021 at 6:28 pm

          I’m not too sure about that, I was taught to ignore all my feelings, to say yes to everything that people wanted of me, else I was selfish, bad etc.
          It’s taken me a long time to recognise gut feelings.
          Three of my children are very good recognising and listening to their intuition, thank goodness.

        • adeliza0165 21st March 2021 at 8:37 am

          I think experience allows you to have your wits about you – as some people say, ‘having a third eye’. You don’t really know who you’re chatting to & you’re already reading into things -are they normal… good! or could they be a sociopath or maybe have narsistic tendencies or some sort of personality disorder. The persistent ones are the most problematic – unable to accept that someone is not interested & rather than think to themselves, ‘ oh, she’s not interested, I’ll move on’… They get a mental blockage at that point and will believe that they ‘will make’ you interested in them by their persistent behaviour – unable to comprehend how it’s making that other person feel because it’s all about them and what they want. I think it derives from control, power, unable to accept.

        • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 2:46 pm

          Absolutely correct, they try to wear you down.

        • adeliza0165 22nd March 2021 at 5:20 pm

          I don’t understand why it happens – must have something to do with their upbringing, such as been allowed to get their own way all the time 🤔

        • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 6:19 pm

          Or not, can be that they had awful childhoods, I guess if some have everything their own way, parents say they are special, no discipline, no consequences then yes, a problematic transition into adulthood. Coming up against someone who does say no is then a challenge

        • adeliza0165 22nd March 2021 at 6:29 pm

          Yes – can be the opposite extreme where they were never allowed to do anything 😕 (as that old fashioned saying goes, ” seen and not heard”.

        • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 4:37 pm

          I so agree Adeliza, I have been “fooled by at last 2 narcissistic men and also female friends (one recently as I found out) and they can drawer you in very easily

        • adeliza0165 22nd March 2021 at 5:27 pm

          It’s scary. You’ve got to have your wits about you because people will tell you what you want to hear and not what you don’t want to hear. I’ve been fooled too and left feeling quite deceived and disillusioned. But you have to move on from it because there are a lot of nice and genuine people out there ☺️👍

        • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 6:05 pm

          Totally agree with you and I think we are older and wiser now and less needy in many ways. Always be positive is the motto! (And be careful!! 😀 )

        • loislane 24th March 2021 at 11:01 pm

          It’s quite scarey being snared into someone’s mind games

    • MontyCarlo 5th March 2021 at 10:49 pm

      When they say there are plenty more fish in the sea…………

    • MontyCarlo 6th March 2021 at 8:13 am

      I hope that doesn’t paint me as a complete cynic in the world of dating ……….. I’m still optimistic 😀

    • e2 6th March 2021 at 11:44 am

      I prefer instant messaging and not an inbox that you have to log into it’s a bit old hat like checking emails 🤣

      • loislane 6th March 2021 at 2:41 pm

        It’s all difficult, and I feel that maybe we have to get back to the old fashioned method of actually meeting people

    • annie beth 8th March 2021 at 5:54 pm

      Hi sent you a message a couple of days ago, but as I hadn’t any answer I was bit worried I’d upset you, you were telling me about your driving test, I have couple of friends, who have got a. sense of the rediculous humour,same as me ,we send each texts, we’re always winding each other up, so sorry if I upset in any way, would be the last thing I’d do,hope you and your son are having a good da

      • loislane 8th March 2021 at 7:29 pm

        Oh gosh no, of course you haven’t. I was busy with getting a newer car, so I’ve been dealing with the slow laptop trying to navigate the DVLA. I get a little stressed at times and I was a bit nervous about driving a different car, my licence running out, taxing it. I haven’t driven for 3 months, it was wonderful. Thanks for your message.
        I never gave up learning that was the key, it’s served me well driving.

    • Golden54 8th March 2021 at 7:20 pm

      I think it’s ok to DM, but if it’s unwelcome, then everyone should be confident enough to say so.

    • annie beth 19th March 2021 at 11:52 am

      Really sorry but you sent me a message but I accidentally knocked it off before reading it, I saw it was from you but that was as far as I got, is it possible to send it to me again please, thanks

    • annie beth 20th March 2021 at 10:05 pm

      Hi, aw please don’t worry, life’s difficult enough as it is without stressing over that, hope you’ve had a good day 🌝

    • annie beth 20th March 2021 at 10:55 pm

      I expect your glad the first one is over aren’t you, really good news that you’re feeling fine as well, good for you, such a worrying time with all this virus, not sure if it’s just me but it’s been freeeeeeeezing today just can’t get warm, have got a double lot of thermals on too ,ha, you say storage is being sorted, wondered if you’re moving,

    • Robert Jones 21st March 2021 at 9:04 am

      Hi Lois I had my jab yesterday, How did you get on?

      • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 2:49 pm

        Hi Robert, I did let you know, well I was fine til 12.30am, then flu like symptoms started, I felt unwell on Sunday, still feeling bit off, how’s you?

        • Marica 22nd March 2021 at 5:17 pm

          Hoppe yopu feel better soon, Lois. It does last a couple of days but I feel ok now which is a miracle as I have been known to be unwell for 2 weeks after jabs

    • Robert Jones 22nd March 2021 at 4:11 pm

      Hi Lois I felt ok this morning and went for a walk on the beach.
      But I got tired quickly. Then had my lunch and a nap. And I still feel off too and tired. Hope you feel better soon

    • barky 22nd March 2021 at 5:42 pm

      hi this thing about DM you could always ask the person if they minded you to DM them personally i dont mind if anyone DMed me (not as tho they have) but i agree with loislane if u dont talk to people u will never know.

      • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 6:04 pm

        Most are fine, barky, there were a few that were off that’s all, and one that was definitely doing the rounds, same message, to me, that’s a pest.
        But yes, if people are asked and don’t mind, are polite, then it’s no bother.

    • Deleted User 22nd March 2021 at 5:53 pm

      Unfortunately it’s got worse since the first lockdown, people are desperate and will go to any lengths to prey on innocent people in the hope of falling lucky (sorry for the terminology).

      It’s shocking on the internet now, but can you imagine what it will be like when this lockdown ends and the pubs/night clubs reopen. It doesn’t bare thinking about to be honest.

      All we can do is be vigilant and yes use our gut instincts. it’s a pity we couldn’t name and shame let alone block 😞.

      Sorry to the decent genuine men out there, this isn’t directed at anyone in particular. some of you men probably have the same problem with some women also.

      • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 6:06 pm

        Fairly spoken, it’s not just women who suffer this mentality, and no way would I ever tar every man with the same brush…I’d stick feathers on the ones who are pests

        • Deleted User 22nd March 2021 at 10:05 pm

          We should Tar and feather the bad ones Lois 😉.
          It’s a shame really, as genuine people might be afraid to PM someone for fear of offending the recipient or feeling like they have overstepped the mark.
          But I suppose it’s down to them on taking a chance and down to us as to how we react. There’s that fine line isn’t there 🙄

        • loislane 22nd March 2021 at 10:15 pm

          True, take down the bad ones, there is a fine line indeed. Respect is the key,🙂

        • John666 25th March 2021 at 12:04 pm

          Name and shame I say so everyone knows who they are Both Men and Women 👍🙏🙏

        • loislane 25th March 2021 at 4:59 pm

          I think men should be able to tar and feather the women who bring us all into disrepute.

        • Marica 25th March 2021 at 5:04 pm

          A fried of mine rang me today, she’s a single mum in her mid 50’s , a lovely lady with a disabled son. She plucked up the courage to go on to a dating site after 15 years of no relationship and told me she could not believe the number of messages she received from men wanting to just meet in a hotel or for a casual relationship as their wife had issues (Look after your wife then , mate , then the issues may not be there!). She seems to have met someone younger than her now and know she is being wary but this chap seems ok . But honestly , it is so sad trying to know what is genuine. I suppose so many people are looking for so many different things with who they want to meet . It is a total maze

        • loislane 25th March 2021 at 5:23 pm

          It is a maze, how has it come to this. Do people not realise that they actually have to.put effort work and love into a relationship….if it’s not there, then get out, spend some time on own before getting into another one.
          Usually it’s that type of man who has issues, then he tries to damage a few more women. It used to be so straightforward, didn’t it?

    • Squeaky66 22nd March 2021 at 7:34 pm

      I think I must look like a mad woman in my photo! I’ve never had a private message 😕 Not sure if that’s good or bad 🤔 😅

    • Squeaky66 25th March 2021 at 10:33 am

      Thankyou, I think! Depends which actress it is. 😄

    • John666 25th March 2021 at 11:18 am

      Respect is key and manners should always be used. And if a Woman says No it means NO and not the opposite. If a woman doesn’t reply means she is not interested.

    • Kitty1969 30th March 2021 at 5:42 pm

      I think it would be good if you could state on here somewhere that you are looking to date and happy to receive DM’s for that purpose.

    • Roger F 11th April 2021 at 3:32 pm

      Amazes me that loads of Ladies indicate they wish to chat though only a tiny proportion start a conversation and when they do ,that is where it ends !!

    • Chi 14th April 2021 at 12:42 am

      Some nicely considered answers to an interesting question. Yes, all totally subjective in terms of how you read an answer/message and perceive its intentions. This makes it awkward and tricky knowing when/if to respond to someone’s post, especially if you are a guy replying to a girl’s post – even if it is totally innocent and purely out of kindness and care/friendship. I did a couple in the local group when I joined Restless recently and, having had no response, have since refrained because I do not want to feel as if I am bothering someone (of the opposite sex – not sure if I am allowed to say that because it depends what you are into). In which case, how do you make new friendships and how are people judging whether or not to respond?? Perhaps I am overthinking it… 🤔

      • loislane 14th April 2021 at 3:06 am

        That is true enough, I feel that we are all beginning to overthink things now, the world has become over politically correct and I can see that men are now the focal point.
        It’s difficult to know what to do.just from my perspective, I will not tar every man with the same brush, that’s unfair and unjust.
        With the exception of a few that have been on here, mainly everyone are decent fellow humans.

    • Shirlann 14th April 2021 at 2:08 pm

      I don’t reply to direct messages if it’s a man 🤨never sure if really care or just thinking easy target ☹️Sorry to anyone who has sent messages 😁

    • Chrisdmids 2nd June 2021 at 6:25 am

      Another good thread. I’m new and haven’t had any messages here but obviously have experience of it on other platforms. Women can also be predators and imo it’s getting worse as more and more people feel isolated and being able to basically jump into someone’s life and manipulate them is a pretty new thing still and it’s sometimes hard to be able to tell who is genuine and just chatty or someone who finds it hard to make relationships conventionally.
      Everyone is different and everyone is on a different path. I’ve learnt sadly from experience that people can be very false and will tell you what you want too hear just to get whatever they want and it makes me sad that people have to generate an actual different identity to feel they can “fit in” in this crazy world where you don’t know your next door neibours name but you can direct message and see family pic’s of total strangers.
      I have met a few women through dating sites and none of them where whom they perceived even themselves to be 🙄 don’t do that anymore as keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result is actually madness 😳🤔 could go on forever about the state of society on this one but I do have to go to work now haha.
      Use your gut if someone messages you lots then doesn’t for a while!!! Imo they are probably only messaging you when their partner isn’t around 🙄🙄🙄
      I hate the part of all this when people pretend they want a relationship but they don’t really and shouldn’t even be on social media, let alone dating at all!!!
      I don’t tar everyone with the same brush but as you can probably tell, I’m very cautious who I talk with now.
      Had one very bad experience but wasn’t going to let her stop me ever meeting anyone again.

      • loislane 3rd June 2021 at 9:40 pm

        Very eloquently put.
        This is where its sad, because those of us that are genuine will probably never get the chance to prove ourselves.
        Not everyone who has a bit of a gap between messages has a partner, just things to do, or sleeping, shopping, talking to other friends, cleaning, work etc

    • Deleted User 2nd June 2021 at 6:30 am

      Hey I resemble that…. define the word ‘pester’

      I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

    • Lorraine1 3rd June 2021 at 7:11 pm

      A really interesting discussion, lots of opinions. Having the technology to interact with new people is amazing really, particularly in the last year. It’s like entering a new world with new etiquette.