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I have three middle aged daughters but I have always had a better relationship with my youngest. Her first 23 years were happy: she did ok at school and always had lots of friends. One of her teachers signed her leaving card “to the nicest girl in the school” because she is a lovely girl. She wrote to the Post Office and asked for a job and got one, when she left school – and ended up as acting manager. During her time there, she went on a safari holiday and a couple of other exotic holidays. Then she met a boy and they started buying a house together (something none of our family had ever done before). Then they started trying for a baby but nothing happened.
That’s when her life started going seriously downhill: they had a course of IVF and she got pregnant but had a miscarriage and was grief stricken. She has never been offered another course of IVF. Then that relationship broke up. Then she was forced to leave her job at the Post Office, because the Horizon system falsely flagged up that she had embezzled some money. There was a lot in the news about the Post Office Horizon system. So without a job, their house got repossessed. She was able to save all her beautiful furniture and store it at my house.
Then she met a man at a friend’s funeral and fell in love with him. He was an ex-con who had spent time in prison for burglary and he smoked cannabis. He also had five children by 5 different women – none of who he financially supported. He openly admits that he left his last full time job so that he didn’t have to pay child support! He wouldn’t take his name of his ex-partner’s council house tenancy, out of pure spite, so he couldn’t get a council place. He persuaded her to take all her furniture from my house and put it into a storage facility, where they defaulted on the rent and she lost the whole lot. They have lived in two mobile homes on sites owned by gypsies and have had to leave when they couldn’t pay the rent. At the end of March 2022, they both moved back into my house (for the 3rd or 4th time). And things seemed OK until the last week or so, when she became so depressed that she feels suicidal.
She can see no hope of anything ever changing and she recently told me that she doesn’t want to live any more. So she has stopped taking her diabetes and high blood pressure medication completely, in the hope that she will get ill and die. And it’s breaking my heart to see how sad and hopeless she feels. But what can I practically do to help her?
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It’s a sad state of affairs to be sure..your daughter needs to hear that life was once good and that it can be again..nothing lasts forever good or bad..maybe she could come back home for some TLC . There are organisation that can help but sadly they are well stretched . My life was once terrible but a part of me was always searching and I found myself on the path towards mindfulness..it completely changed my life not by changing the world but by changing how I view it..it may also help you to help her. 🍀
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Please tell your daughter that nothing stays the same for ever. Changes will come in her life for the better if she can just wait and see. She may need help for depression which could help her mood. She has a loving mum like you and so life is certainly worth living. Tell her to hang in there and reach out for help. There is lots of it out there but she has to ask for it.
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Thanks for your message. She has been taking anti-depressants but she doesn’t find they help much, if at all. She is still grieving the loss of her unborn child after nearly 20 years because she has always loved kids and wanted children of her own. But I think that if she was with someone who worked and could have helped her live a full life, including going out and holidays, she would feel differently. But she has lived an awful, boring life, always on the bread line for the past 11 years and there doesn’t seem to be any way that is ever going to change if she stays with her partner, who refuses to work and just lays on his bed all day, watching TV and playing games on his phone.
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They both moved back in to my house (for the 3rd or 4th time) at the end of March and I always give her a lot of TLC. But it is difficult when I feel nothing but contempt for her partner due to the way he treats her. In fact, last week when she was laying on the floor, crying and said she didn’t want to live this life any more, he shouted at her for 30 minutes! He shouted at her at 2.45am one night! He says things like “You’re 45 years old!”
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Oh dear, my heart breaks for you and her. I agree this man is bad news, she needs to get away from him. As a mum of a daughter and a son. I can see both sides. My son has been with his girlfriend for 8 years and they’ve just bought their own house. But he was back home a few weeks ago, as he doesn’t know what he wants? I would say she needs professional help, speak to her doctor. She needs counselling as she has had to deal with so much. You can only be there for her, she has to find her own way. Hopefully she works it out. Take care xx
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I phoned her surgery the other day but her doctor would not speak to me. I ended up phoning 111 because I was so desperate for someone to help her. It took ages to get through triage and then found out that they wouldn’t even speak to me unless she gave her consent. So I mustered up the courage to knock on their door, to ask her and he said she was in the other room. So I opened the door of my other spare bedroom and there she was lying on the floor! So she said it was ok for them to speak to me and she ended up speaking to them for about 15 minutes herself. But apart from making a note of the situation and saying they would share it with her GP, they couldn’t do anything 🙁
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My daughter did try to commit suicide twice, but her saviour came in the form of a nice man. He was in the same mental hospital, the were not meant to stay in touch, but they did. They had a daughter who is now 21. They have problems still, like she does not speak to any of her family.
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Until she realises he is an arsehole, nothing will change
If you support her relationship with an arsehole nothing will change
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Hi again, that’s so sad. I really don’t know what to suggest, other than keep badgering your doctor. Mental health is hard to diagnose and to treat. Unfortunately she has to reach rock bottom before she can find her way back up. As a mum o understand how hard it is for you, just be there for her and hopefully soon she’ll see the light. Bring a parent is so hard sometimes, you never stop worrying about your kids. Take care and sending lots of love 💕
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You should make him move out as he seems to be one of the sources of your daughter’s unhappiness. He’s obviously a con man so try and persuade her to dump him rapidly. Then she can concentrate on sorting out her own life. Good Luck:) Samaritans can provide help with suicidal thoughts – however the issues still have to be confronted at some point.
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Sorry – not sure what other advice to offer. She really needs to see her Doctor if she’s feeling suicidal and looking from the outside in she needs to free of this con man and so do you or he’ll ruin you both financially and in every other way. He’s what’s known as a “predatory male”. I do hope things work out for you both. She needs distance from him – now he’s in your home it’s very difficult. You can always contact the police if necessary – if she’s besotted with him i don’t know what you can do apart from let go with him if she wants and pick up the pieces afterwards when it all goes wrong. At least you’ll still have your home for her to return to. Be careful he doesn’t try and turn the tables and turn you out. Call the police if he does.
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