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Stuegie Posted 8 months ago
Breaking Point

Over the past year or so I have posted regarding my Stepson and his complete avoidance of any work of any kind. The situation has now moved into a much more serious issue. Basically over the 7 years since he left school he has used every trick in the book to avoid work, even when he did have a couple of part time zero hours jobs he made it very clear that he had no interest in working, he called in sick repeatedly and was very unreliable, resulting in him getting fired, Over the last 3 years he has not done a single days work and it is obvious he is not really looking for work. He now lives and sleeps in front of his computer in his gaming chair and only gets out of the chair to get food or use the toilet. Recently he went almost 4 weeks without a wash or shower. Nothing can be said to him about anything he just ignores everyone and everything. In those last 3 years he has thrown away a £10,000 inheritance and gone into debt for well over £3,000. The real issue is that he can’t see a problem with his lifestyle or his mental health. His Father and Brothers want nothing to do with him, leaving everything to his Mother and Me. Some how he recently managed to spend over £900 on a VR headset basically by begging his internet/gaming contacts for money. Not really sure how much longer we can take this as it is creating issues in our home life “every day”.

1 like & 21 replies
    • Anonymous User (no longer active) 16th September 2021 at 1:17 pm

      Really ……that bad

    • Chojo 16th September 2021 at 2:04 pm

      Kick him out and sell all his gaming gear to recover some of the money.

    • Kaycee17 16th September 2021 at 9:47 pm

      What a horrible position for you to be in. It must be having a negative impact on your relationship with his mother, and putting you both under a lot of stress. I don’t know what the answer is, but I would guess that he needs some sort of help with his mental health, despite his denial. Is there any way you could get him to talk to his GP (maybe explain to him how worried you both are about him)? I hope you can find some way improving the situation you find yourselves in and wish you all the best.

    • Stuegie 17th September 2021 at 4:31 pm

      Hi Kaycee17 we have tried the GP thing but he just won’t go, at 23, 6ft 2ins and 20 stone we can’t carry him there.

    • vaughanpauline 17th September 2021 at 4:45 pm

      Id suggest yiu and his mother need a break from him.

      Book a holiday even if its only in this country, anywhere as long as yoi away from him for as lonf as possible. You need space and you may find that the answer to the problem comes to you both while your away.

      One word of warning, remove anything of value from you home before you go or at least lock them away, just in case

      • Stuegie 14th October 2021 at 1:38 pm

        Hi vaughanpauline, thanks for your reply.

        TBH we spend as much time out and away as we can these days, also we are keeping our eyes open for the next debt recovery letter.

    • AEB 17th September 2021 at 5:25 pm

      I have no experience of having to deal with someone who behaves in that way, it sounds like he is suffering from depression , can you contact a mental health advice service who may be able to help.
      Please try and stay strong and maybe the men in this family needs to step up to help and not leave it you and his mother. Man to Man talk just may help him?

      • Stuegie 14th October 2021 at 1:36 pm

        Hi AEB, thanks for your reply.
        Unfortunately the man to man talks have got us nowhere over the last 7 years and the mental health people won’t get involved until the request comes from him as he is over 18.

        • AEB 15th October 2021 at 9:14 am

          I was thinking more that you ask for help for you as you are living under such a great deal of stress, talking to a Councillor may help in finding answers – It is time to
          put your own physical and mental health first. Please take care and feel free to message me if you need a rant Ann

    • Colin in Kent 20th September 2021 at 2:45 pm

      Talking to somebody or offering to help their mental health will have no impact unless they recognise they have a problem. If they’re adamant they don’t, and their behaviour causes no negative impacts on their life, then nothing will change. When you say ‘The real issue is that he can’t see a problem with his lifestyle or his mental health’ this is exactly right, and you do realise there’s nothing you can do to persuade him, don’t you? Because he clearly has no empathy for you or his mother, and the stress or anxiety it causes, and, as I say, there are no negative consequences for himself. A person cannot be helped by therapy or advice unless they accept there’s a problem.

      This means that the only thing you can do is create those negative impactors. He’s clearly not embarrassed, or ashamed, or inconvenienced in any way. You haven’t said what the home environment is like for him, or – crucially – how his mother feels or treats him. Unless you take a harsher route he will never understand that there’s anything wrong or unnatural about what he does. How much money does he pay for his upkeep, for the amount of broadband or electricity he uses? Does he contribute to the household chores? If not, why not? Until you and his mother present a united front and instigate negative consequences of his indolent lifestyle then sorry to say but you’re simply enabling his behaviour and, frankly, why should he change? You’ve said about the issues this is creating in your home life, but what are the issues in his life ‘for him’? What does he hate about his life, what does he complain about? What are those ‘negative impactors’ of his lifestyle on HIS life. If the answer is ‘nothing’, then there is your problem. Because I’m very much afraid you’re feeding an addict, and all the time that feeding goes on so will the addiction.

      • Stuegie 14th October 2021 at 1:30 pm

        Hi Colin,
        Thanks for your reply. At the end of the day although his mother does not “like” him she does “love” him and you are right due to this “she” is actually feeding his addiction. He does nothing to suggest he feels any guilt or that this is not a normal way of life, very sad actually for someone at 23 who has no ambition or goals in life.

    • Ange M 21st September 2021 at 10:59 pm

      Ditch the computer

    • Deleted User 14th October 2021 at 1:46 pm

      I have… I had a grandson like this.

      I had to go around and threaten to take his stuff.

      Didn’t work so I went round and took his stuff.

      A glimmer of hope appeared.

      He started doing the right things without even being asked.

      Returned his things.

      Back to square one.

      This was repeated a number of times.

      Threat of being made homeless because he was having such a negative impact on the lives of others.

      He started college!

      Lasted a full term with some absences but did well.

      Back to square one.

      Enough is enough get your bags packed or not but you’ll be gone at the weekend.

      Got part time job and a girlfriend.

      Enjoyed the two hundred quid a week in his pocket and treated the girl well.

      Part time job is now finished not his fault.

      Relationship is still on nice girl.

      He’s sorely missing the money.

      Got himself a CV and is eagerly looking for work.

      He’s bright he’s intelligent and says he knows it’s time he got himself a flat now.

      He’s loved dearly but he would have been out the door if some love and respect wasn’t shown to his mum and family.

      I think he has an interview next week.

      He’s been paying out of his two hundred quid a week for one driving lesson a week so he’s missing that too now.

      Never give up but be firm and make sure he knows your yes means yes and your no means no.

      Some deprivation is needed.

      If you have to call the police do it and they will remove him from the property if they deem him to be a threat to any of you.

      Here’s to the best for you all.

    • Mad Ralph 14th October 2021 at 2:09 pm

      Randomly switch the wifi router off. (With virgin you can select any device on the network and switch it off without it effecting any of the others.) It might not get rid of him but it’ll be a bit of entertainment for you and your wife and it will drive him crazy. 😉
      If he complains tell him if he wants a better internet connection he’s going to have to put his hand in his pocket.

    • GaromReid12345 14th October 2021 at 10:22 pm

      Could it be that he has an addiction to the gaming? Might be an.idea to.look further into.that side of it. I don’t know but I work with people with addictions and maybe this is the case. There is support out there and they can chip away at trying to get him to engage with them. Worth a try.

    • OutdoorPete 23rd October 2021 at 8:04 pm

      If you can’t get rid of him, which would be the best result all round, Given all the circumstances I think you are going to have to learn the process of detachment and basically live your life around him and leave him to his world.
      You must accept that you cannot change his behaviour and also You also must not enable his lifestyle by lending money, cooking for him or any other such thing which facilitates his chosen way of life.
      The principle of detachment is practiced by relatives and partners of alcoholics and people with other dependencies, you may find it useful to your mental to adopt the principle to reclaim your life and mental health until such time that a way can be found to remove him from your home.

    • TmonT 23rd October 2021 at 9:36 pm

      Throw him out You do have a choice what’s stopping you if it’s guilt get over it claim your own life back