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  • Bit like face-planting on the pavement…

    I’ve become irascible, can’t help it but that’s the way I feel. A rather dismal life grinds slowly to a close with little in the way of achievement or purpose – simply another cadiver to take its place at some future time in the morgue. Assuming I don’t self-immolate first. It’s all a bit like tripping up and face-planting the pavement – personal, painful and embarrassing.

    I think I should have done more with my life – I know I should but God knows what! My life has been a meandering, meaningless succession of jobs, interspersed with some sad pathetic love affairs and a lot of self-loathing.

    It’s not as if I love people – I don’t. I find them ‘strange’ and although I can handle talking to them brilliantly for about 5 minutes, either I lose interest or more likely, they do. I’m just not a people person, I don’t and never will understand what makes them tick.

    Retirement so far, has been an exercise in musing upon my reflection in the mirror. Normally, it’s a sad occupation done once a day in the morning, where I stand bleary-eyed, a ragged effigy of a man, dumbly regarding the crumpled old blotchy face that stares back at me through hollow accusing eyes. The energy dried-up, the laughter and whimsical desires now silent and dissipated, the youthful zeal replaced by a mere quizzical, knowing acceptance of a dissolute life.

    Where did I go wrong? I trained (several times), had some good paid jobs, fell in and out of love, was passionate according to my then young hormones and had lots and lots of jobs (I contract). All my peers seems to have dropped off their respective perches and I find myself cursing God, or whatever it is that has kept me alive for so long.

    I just wish that there was something that I enjoyed (other than being a pathetic moaning wretch), something that reignited my spontaneity or just plain zest to do, to achieve. But I look at my fellow man – younger and older, and I see shapes, I do not see people. I see the dreary reality of doing what I have done for years, simply to provide and keep going – it’s like walking through deep snow in a snow storm.

    Even this, this rambling missive, is simply an exercise in ‘filling the void’. I guess I shall now go off and write a few caustic comments in the Daily Mail along with the other mad old ducks…..

    Posted by nickW
Viewing 7 reply threads
    • Reply by Caroline

      By the way let me know next time you write to the Mail, I would love to read your “caustic” comments

    • Reply by Caroline

      Hi Nick, have to agree with the other comments, you have a gift for writing and you still have some humour.

      I think that sometimes there is a lot of pressure to do more, learn a new skill, retrain etc but to be honest you don’t have to – I don’t.

      I can also find other people annoying and shut myself away for days just me and my cat.

      Please try not to feel the way you do because I bet there are loads of people who feel the same but just don’t voice it.

    • Reply by Susanne

      Hi

      I echo everyone’s sentiments here. Why on earth aren’t you a writer?? 😁

      You’ve a very readable style and humourously endearing observations.

      It doesn’t need to be a source of income persay but I really think it should be something you persue. There are many different avenues that you could dabble in and your love of words and expressing yourself would suggest to me that merely putting pen to paper would satisfy an inner need. I think it could be surprisingly cathartic for you.

      Seeing ones words published is very satisfying somehow, I wrote a few features briefly for a local magazine some years ago and still kept the articles with a sense of achievement and validation. I’ve also written a few short stories and a travel diary ( for my own use) but found both experiences really enjoyable.

      Choose a starting project and take it from there.

      Good luck

      Susanne

       

    • Reply by jo.bodley

      Echoing what everybody else has said, you sound like a writer, to me! I joined my local Writers Group in Croydon (called, believe it or not, Croydon Writers)about 3 years ago, following a really serious mental illness. Might be worth checking if theres one in your local area.Though ours has members who live in Scotland- go figure?

    • Reply by nickW

      Ah Jackie, such a positive attitude is a gift from the Gods – treasure it, cosset it, and metamorphose! Thank you for the nudge.

    • Reply by jackieainsworth43

      Hi Nick,

      Sorry to hear you are feeling so fed up – you sound intelligent and I agree with Aisling, you have a very readable writing style 🙂

      You don’t mention your age, but the news feels as if it’s never been worse just now  – you are bound to be affected by that like all of us.

      I have never volunteered, but having taken a year off of work to travel a bit (poor timing on my part!), I am keeping an eye on appeals for volunteers and hope to be able to do my bit in these difficult times. I am also hoping to change career, so maybe I will be inspired by something I get involved in this year.

      Anyway, I really hope you find something to get your teeth into and that you feel better soon.

      Jackie 🙂

       

    • Reply by aislinggray

      Hi Nick I’m so sorry you feel this way although I have to say you are an incredibly talented writer and have a beautiful way with words.  Have you thought about that as a line of work?  We don’t have content specifically on becoming a writer but we do reference it in this article here (number 10):

      https://restless.co.uk/career-advice/job-ideas/12-popular-activities-that-you-can-turn-into-a-career/

      I know you say you find people strange but have you thought about volunteering in some shape or form?  That could help you do something different and fulfilling and might spark a passion you didn’t know you had for a different type of paid work perhaps?

      Have a look on this link as a starting point: https://restless.co.uk/volunteer/

    • Reply by adriipgf

      I am 61 and looking for a job  in Birmingham

       

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