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  • Anyone else recently widowed?

    I find it really hard to navigate this forum, there doesn’t seem to be any search facility at all.

    I have recently lost my husband, he was only 65. I desperately need to communicate with someone else who has been robbed of their retirement dreams.   I don’t know what to do with myself, how to proceed with the rest of my life.   I am feeling angry, sad, depressed, anxious, nervous and completely overwhelmed. Please respond if you have been through a similar situation.

    Posted by moonlady
    • Reply by ljlines.ll

      Hello, I too have been recently widowed. My husband was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma on March 23rd, the day of lock down. His tumour spread from his bile ducts to his liver and he died within five months in August. The speed of his illness has made his passing so hard. I too have good and bad days, days when all I can do is sit doing nothing. I have a dog who is such a comfort, who makes me get up and take her out, care for her. I too talk to my husband and visit his grave each day. My life feels so empty and lonely I don’t know where I am now. My family are kind and caring and keep in touch by phone but my companion and love of my life is gone.

      • Reply by GillyArt

        Genuine condolences. I do know just how you feel xx

    • Reply by briley45

      Hello Moonlady,

      I am so sorry for your loss. You are really in the early stages of grief and my heart goes out to you because of all the isolation we are having due to the Covid problems and I am sure that this has added to our feelings of loss. I too was widowed the end of Nov 2019 and am still experiencing  loneliness. I feel that the Covid isolation have added to this feeling. I have other problems linked to family issues being a second wife but I will not go into those as it is not relevant to you.  Try and stay positive and speak to family or friends when you are feeling low. I speak to my husband all the time and have pictures up to make me smile and to help me remember the good memories we had together. I still have good and bad days and I am sure that these will continue for years to come. I am just trying to stay positive and make the best of my life at the moment. I am not sure what the future holds for me but I can only try my best to be at peace and enjoy life the best I can as we never know when our time comes. x

      • Reply by moonlady

        Thank you for your kind message. It does help to hear from people who have been through the same thing, others can sympathise, but only another widow can truly understand.

    • Reply by Cee

      I totally understand as my husband, aged 59, died from covid on Easter Sunday in April. Monday will be 6months and it is still so hard, because it is relentless.
      I have lots of friends to do things with, but at the end of it I go back to being on my own.
      I’ve been told it gets easier, some things do, but some things don’t… at least, not yet.

      • Reply by moonlady

        Thank you for replying. I am so sorry for your loss, how terribly sad to lose your partner at such a young age. This virus is so terrible.

        People do keep saying it will get easier. At the moment I am still bogged down with the administration associated with his death, so many forms to fill in. I do find it hard in the evenings, just end up going to bed early to get the day over with.

        I guess it does take you time to adjust to the whole situation, deal with it and then start to look ahead instead of back.

        Maybe a year from now we will both feel more hopeful.

        • Reply by Cee

          Yes, there is a ton of admin to do! It took me 5 months to sort probate, mainly because I couldn’t face it. I would only look at stuff when one of my sons was with me.
          I would have a jigsaw puzzle on the go to help pass the evenings, I think evenings and weekends are the hardest.
          Do you know about the Bereavement Support Payment that is available?
          private message me and we can chat further xx

        • Reply by Cee

          Yes, there is a ton of admin to do! It took me 5 months to sort probate, mainly because I couldn’t face it. I would only look at stuff when one of my sons was with me.
          I would have a jigsaw puzzle on the go to help pass the evenings, I think evenings and weekends are the hardest.
          I also had a series of counselling sessions with Cruse Bereavement. It was via Zoom as we were in the middle of the lockdown, and quite helpful at the time to get me over a hurdle.
          Do you know about the Bereavement Support Payment that is available?
          Private message me, if you like, and we can chat further xx

        • Reply by Babs49

          It hurts me so much to look at the essential paperwork…photos just cut me to the quick. Not easy to speak directly to poorly manned phones at pension place and much else. Passwords on his computer for so much official work..terrifies me. Probate is taking forever too.

        • Reply by Paula’splace

          The Admin is horrible, I got really upset when they cut his photo out of his parking permit and cut the front page of his passport.

          Some people totally ignore you and others say the most stupid things.  If you need to vent or want advice Im here for you.

           

    • Reply by Red Tin Dave

      Hi, I lost my wife to cancer at the beginning of September, so I’m struggling with bereavement myself. I certainly relate to what you say about losing your retirement dreams – we had so much planned and didn’t get to do any of it. I also feel my life has narrowed – there is so much music I can’t listen to, places I can’t walk, food i can’t eat – it’s just too painful at the moment.

      I have done some counselling training myself and worked briefly in a hospice so I kind of know the theory of grieving and what to expect, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

      • Reply by moonlady

        Thank you for responding, I am sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about things you can’t do, it’s so hard when there is just one of you when there should be two.  The situation in the country doesn’t help, looks like we are all in for a long, bleak winter. Let’s hope things will look brighter in the Spring.

      • Reply by Marv

        Hi
        Sadly I relate to all that you’ve said. I lost my wife of 37 years to cancer in May 2020. We had so many plans but now I find that my life has narrowed. I feel that I’ve lost my purpose in life.

    • Reply by Paula’splace

      Hi I lost the love of my life in February 2017 married for 36 years met him when I was 18.

      Left with two wonderful sons though and very very tough times for the first year.

      The world is a very different place on your own, but you have to sink or swim .  It hasn’t got easier just different.

    • Reply by Paula’splace

      I know exactly how you feel we had so many travel plans my husband died in the February 2017 and we were due to close the business in September our sons were settled in work and it was our time or so we thought. One of the songs at his funeral service was ” Time To Say Goodbye ”

      To countries I never saw and shared with you, now, yes I shall experience them.

      First two trips took my son’s 23 and 26 it was ok but they went out each night leaving me on my own.  The next two I went on my own, I loved it no one bothered, me except my sons constantly checking on me I went to Austria first to the Swarovski factory and a little skiing Im a learner. Then I went to Amsterdam to see the.Tulips at Keukenhof, Id be lying if I said it wouldnt have be nicer to have company but I still enjoyed it and I was rather proud of myself too.

    • Reply by pollardc60

      I lived in Canada….married for the 2nd time 2008. He died June 2019. I came back to live in UK to be nearer to my own family. We had plans of spending a few months in both countries every year. That’s all gone now, very hard to move forwards sometimes. Just want to talk with him for advice

    • Reply by Buttercup19

      Hi Moonlady, I lost my husband 6 weeks ago and I’m in bits, he was a fit and healthy 69 yr old and was diagnosed with cancer at the end of April and passed away  4 months later 💔

      • Reply by moonlady

        Hello, Buttercup19, I am sorry for your loss. My husband died on September 3rd, so I guess we are at a similar stage.  I am finding it hard now all the cards have stopped and people have backed off a bit. Something like this certainly shows you who your real friends are.

        I have done most of the admin now, just a few more things to tie up. Are you managing to look ahead at all?  Did you have a funeral?

         

        • Reply by Buttercup19

          Hello Moonlady, My Hubby passed on the 5th so yes we are at the same stage and sending my condolences to you.

          I echo your comments everyone goes back to normal life but we don’t, I’m lucky that I do have some very good friends that are still giving me lots of support but others not.

          Ive also done most of the admin just awaiting replies from a few institutions which I presume is delayed due to COVID and people working from home.

          Yes we had a funeral where 30 could attend inside the chapel which was very hard as we have a large circle of friends, was you the same?

          Ive had a terrible couple of days and can hardly stop crying but have coped ok before, possibly because I’ve kept busy.

          i feel exactly the same about being robbed of retirement dreams as my hubby was still working in his own business and planned to retire this year, we had bought a holiday home last year in anticipation it is so unfair xx

        • Reply by Babs49

          You are right about finding who the friends are..people I would have sworn would help me didn’t and the most unexpected kind people who have helped me..nothing I could have predicted at all.

      • Reply by Babs49

        Same time scale as me..hubby appeared well..legs just went from under him, paraplegic overnight, spinal tumour..16 weeks of anguish, now I am alone in a rural cold place. Feel very vulnerable and have also found people are all too ready to take advantage of me. When I was in deep shock, I gave away wine, computer paraphernalia and much else thinking I could move quickly..that has not happened but all the folks that were more than happy to take things, are not there when I need help.

      • Reply by pollardc60

        So sorry…losing him quickly you’re never prepared but when is anyone ready ?

    • Reply by CELIA

      My husband died in December 2018, I was slowly rebuilding my life, joined a group to go on Museum, Theatre and Stately Home type trips. Been on holiday, my husband made me promise to do all the things I loved so I did my best to honour my promise. Sadly, the pandemic struck; all my outings were curtailed, as was my holiday, I had to leave Sri Lanka after half of my holiday. I am now home alone again, unable to meet friends, go out to theatres etc; it has put my progress back , family live in the next county, it is very hard to stay positive. If you are recently bereaved please accept my thoughts and sympathies, the time we are in has made everything very difficult.

    • Reply by VFP

      Hi Moonlady  My husband passed away in July. He was only 66 and had just retired as an NHS physician. He was my best friend and also my hero as he had exceptional qualities and was an amazing husband. I cared for him at home for the last three months of his illness (he was totally dependent) and he deteriorated so much that it was a blessing when he finally passed. I have felt relief, anger, confusion, sadness and self pity, but I am so thankful to have been married to him – he made me such a better person. I have to admit that I am emotionally dependent on my little cocker spaniel (now 13 months). Caring for her, training her and giving her cuddles is so helpful to me. Mostly I focus on the positives – I am lucky to have been married to him and to have had the opportunity to give him the best of care when he needed me most. I am lucky to live in a lovely village. I am lucky to have kids, a grandson and to be expecting two granddaughters. I am lucky to be healthy and to be alive. Try to find the strength within yourself to overcome these dark days because they will get better and the sun will shine for you again. My dark days aren’t over, but they are better than before.

    • Reply by AmandaN

      19months ago

    • Reply by Julann

      My husband left me four weeks ago with from prostate cancer although 15 years younger he was a farmer out in all weathers

      I also lost my little girl ten months ago I  always called her my little girl as she was spina bifida wheelchair bound and only four stone

      I can’t believe i have lost them both my life seems empty now i know its so early as everyone tells me it doesn’t help

       

      My

      • Reply by moonlady

        I am so very sorry to hear of both your losses. What a terrible time you have been through. I sincerely hope you have a strong and loving family around you to support you through all this.

        You must be feeling so numb right now, and all I can say is just to take care of yourself. Just make sure you are doing the basics. Feed yourself, keep yourself clean, take each day as it comes. Don’t spend too much time looking back or looking forward, just deal with the now.  One day at a time.  Your life is going to be very different, but your life isn’t over.  You still have to live it.

      • Reply by GillyArt

        Mine too Julann. After 17 years of holding it at bay. It only too 5 months. GP’s closed. No proper diagnosis until too late. With the loss of your daughter and your husband it’s doubly terrible to bear. If you talk to them both, then continue to do this, I’ve found it a great help and in my mind he is here with me. xx

    • Reply by dannyboy

      You ask”Recently” on the 22nd it will be the 4th anniversary. Yet it seems like yesterday.

      • Reply by moonlady

        It must be very hard for  you when this time of year comes around. Take care.

    • Reply by Sjp1

      My husband died aged 49. We have 3 teenage girls. It was 4 years ago. I still feel like not getting out of bed and only fo because of the children. I got a dog so I had to get out of bed. My loneliness is unbearable. I don’t belong anymore with the couples we used to hsve as friends and the families we used to have as friends. I’ve been abandoned by both. I cannot bear the thought of being alone now once my girls have left. It scares me. 49 was too young. We had been together nearly 30 years.

      • Reply by Peter C

        My wife died aged 42 in 2004. We had 6 year old twins: a girl and a boy. Like you I carried on with life because of the children – I was determined that they would have a nice childhood like I had had. I was (am) wounded by her loss – but they shouldn’t have such a millstone round their neck too. This was what motivated me to keep going initially. It meant changing jobs, changing cars, changing friends – I found this incredibly hard, but I did it.
        Your 3 daughters (who are also grieving in their own way) need their mum now more than ever. Even if you’re cooking for them with tears rolling down your face, at least you’re trying. I felt broken one minute and like a robot another.
        I have a dog too: dogs “live in the moment” and know when you are hurting – great idea!
        The dog plus the children kept me busy…but those “highs” were often followed by “lows” of loneliness (the big cold empty bed and the missing kiss + hug when you get home) and a feeling that “I can’t do this (life, I mean) on my own”. Sleepless nights, stupid TV and loss of friends. All my friends were couples and happy families – I was like a dark shadow to them I suppose. Not good dinner party company.
        BUT that was 16 years ago. I want to give you HOPE…I endured the worst years of my life back then – it was tough and has never gone completely away but I have managed to “get a perspective” with time. Please, please seek out counselling. I hope for you there is a corner coming up (obviously don’t know when and where) and you need to be ready to “turn that corner.” That corner will mean you will be able to find the strength to look at hobbies/interests old and new, develop new friends and acquaintances who can support you or make you smile for a while.
        Meanwhile, I’m sending you my love and a hug. Take care – you can talk to people on here. All the people on this Forum care for you, I’m sure.

        • Reply by Sjp1

          Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and I’m very sad that you’ve also had to go through that pain. I’m happy that you now feel like you’ve turned a corner. I have received extensive psychotherapy and counselling, on anti depressants but none of those even touch the sides. I’m at the age and time of my life where in the next year or two my children will all have left home and this is what my fear is. Often they go away for the weekend or stay over and the emptiness from Friday until Monday is unbearable. And soon it will be like that everyday. I can do stuff like walk the dog, shopping, housework etc but just feel like I’m existing and doing the essentials to get through until bedtime and when I open my eyes the next morning the dread sinks in. I hate that all around me people my age are starting to prepare for their 2nd phase of life when their nests are empty ie travelling, moving abroad joint hobbies, new adventures , etc and I just hear it all and think of the dread I feel of what’s to come alone. It’s a funny time of life to loose a partner – not you g enough to may be start again and not old enough to have had those retirement plans, grandchildren together etc I just limp by and maybe 16 years down the line I’ll be near the end anyway!

        • Reply by VFP

          I’m so sorry you are experiencing such pain. I am also a recent widow (July) and described my situation in one of the posts below. My life has been full of twists and turns, and 2020 has been the very worst. Together my husband and I could overcome all challenges but now I am alone. And then I tell myself: ‘You are never too old to start again. You will summon all your strength and inner resources. You will map out an interesting life full of love and happiness. Count your blessings, sharpen your skills and intellect, keep yourself healthy and fit, open your life to new experiences and fight your way through this grief that threatens to take you down.’

    • Reply by Teddy Christina

      My partner has just died – he was 67 and died suddenly. We were due to move in to our new house in January next year and had applied for planning for a beautiful garden annex we were designing together. We were also close to completing a joint book we have been writing for 18 months. He was my life, my love, my companion in work and in the home. It’s only been two weeks but after spending every moment together in lockdown I miss him so much. Am devastated he died with no warning and feel robbed of our future together and with our new joined families, heartbroken

      • Reply by moonlady

        So sorry for your loss, which is so recent. Sudden death of a loved one hits you like a truck. No warning, just thrown in at the deep end having to deal with so many things all at once. I am still struggling with paperwork and legal stuff nearly 3 months down the line. The myriad of emotions is overwhelming, you feel angry because your future has been taken away, you feel sad, lonely, frightened and anxious. My only comfort is that, like you and your partner, my husband and I spent the whole summer together at home, just the two of us. We had a lovely time together, making plans and enjoying our home and garden. I’m so glad we had those last few months with each other. You take care of yourself.

        • Reply by Babs49

          The paperwork is an ordeal for me too..all the official papers, huge responsibility, house/garden..not joyful anymore. The shock knocks you sideways. Walking solo is almost eerie on the fields etc where I live rurally even with the dog. Want to move..don’t know where.

      • Reply by GillyArt

        Exactly! I know we all feel the same about our “life and companion” and nothing came possibly take their place. So sorry.

    • Reply by Optimistic

      Hi I don’t think you ever get over the death of loved ones you just learn to live with it. My husband died 5 years ago at the age of 55yrs… all we had planned just taken away, even now there are odd days when it creeps up on me for no particular reason. My heart goes out to you, I wish you well with such heartache 💔 and hope you manage to keep on going 🙏 take care of yourself

      • Reply by moonlady

        Thank you for taking the time to send your kind message.

    • Reply by thetoffee

      I feel your pain as I lost my beautiful wife Colette aged 62 in Oct 2019. The pain is not getting any easier and all I can tell you is that grief is a very very personal and sore journey. It galls me that we are not able to grow old together and go on our mini breaks and main holiday. We were lucky that when she was here that we did so much together but I still feel robbed and of course angry. I go to bed at night and cry. Get up in the morning and cry and cry thru’out the day. Don’t let anyone tell you there is a time limit for there’s not. And believe those who tell you that time will heal have not got a clue about grief. Funny I had counselling but I get more relief from talking to a few women who lost there husbands around the time Colette passed on. Talking to them it appears we all go thru’ the same emotions and thoughts but as previously said our journey is different.

    • Reply by Cee

      I lost my husband in April, after a very short illness and in the lockdown. Yesterday would have been his 60th birthday.
      Bereavement counselling helped me enormously, and my adult children too, even though it was all online due to the lockdown. I used Cruse Counselling who specialise in bereavement and are located across the country. You can find them by googling.
      I still feel sad at times, but it’s been significantly better since the counselling. I no longer spend all day crying and have a lot more hope

      • Reply by GillyArt

        I did think of counselling but I’m not sure about the zooming! I’d prefer to see see someone in person, but I’m really pleased it helped you.

        • Reply by Cee

          By choice I would have done it in person and I was quite sceptical at the beginning, but this year, it was Zoom or nothing. I was actually surprised that it worked as well as it did. I can go back for more, once the situation changes, if I want as well.

    • Reply by Maria Writes

      I’m a year on from the sudden death of my husband. He was 57, fit and active and it was a total shock!

      I’ve read all of your comments, and echo what many are saying, it’s the stolen dreams, the plans you had, and the loneliness.

      What helps is something someone else here touched on – plans that you had – My husband and I talked of ‘getting busy living’ just days before his death, and that’s what I intend to do now. It isn’t easy, the pandemic has put paid to some of my plans to travel already, however, I’m going to follow through on some of our plans, and make some new ones of my own. I know my husband is willing me on and I’ll carry him with me in my heart forever as I slowly move forwards. But, as another widow said to me early on in my sorrow, ‘you have to treat this as a new chapter in your life’ it sounded horribly harsh at the time, but I know what she meant now.

      • Reply by GillyArt

        I am truly sad for your loss. My dear husband passed away in August this year. The culmination of a dreadful annus horriblis for us all. I have had it said to me that I am starting a new chapter, but frankly I have resented this as I certainly don’t feel like it. Your words do give me hope that when some more time has passed I will see it that way too.

    • Reply by miffles

      Yes, I’m 7 years into widowhood, still have good & bad days but more good than bad now. If you want to talk get in touch.

    • Reply by Amy

      Hi I lost my husband in aug this year know all the feelings u mentioned it’s so hard to carry on .yet everyone else acts like I should be over it I was with john from 17 38 years together married 33 he was my world .he had late stage pancreatic cancer awful diease

      • Reply by Buttercup19

        Hi Amy, I lost my husband to cancer last year and I’ve set up a private Facebook group for ladies only who have lost husbands/partners so we can chat and support each other if you’d like to join there is a link below

        https://www.facebook.com/groups/315295243153525/

        • Reply by Amy

          Tthankyou will fo

    • Reply by Just juniper

      Hi Amy I lost my husband and best friend to late stage pancreatic he was fit and well and then suddenly he wasn’t feel frustrated and let down such poor care during these times I hope you are managing it’s so hard if you ever want to talk let me know I’m just feel numb and at a loss take care x

      • Reply by Buttercup19

        Hi Justjuniper, I lost my husband in September and have created a Facebook group for ladies who have lost their husbands/partners where they can chat and support each other if you’d like to join there is a link below

        https://www.facebook.com/groups/315295243153525/

    • Reply by St.Joseph71

      I understand completely. It’s been 2 1/2 years since my husband of 47 years passed away at the age of 71. I have had to try and get on with life for the sake of my 3 children and grandchildren. I can honestly say l wouldn’t want to be here if it wasn’t for them. I miss Denis more than words can say but l just make myself cope. I have been through all the emotions you talk of. I hope you have family to be there for you.

    • Reply by Shonzie60

      I lost my husband very suddenly on the 29th February 2020. He would be 65 in a couple of weeks. It’s devastating and a horrible road to travel down but happy to chat if I can help. I did have counselling and it did help.

      • Reply by Buttercup19

        I lost my husband in September and have set up a Facebook group for ladies only who have lost their husbands/partners so we can chat and support each other in a safe & caring place. This is the link if you would like to join

        https://www.facebook.com/groups/315295243153525/

        • Reply by Shonzie60

          Thank you. I have requested to join x

    • Reply by Buttercup19

      I lost my husband in September and have started a Facebook group for Ladies only who have lost their husbands, I want to create a safe & caring group where we can chat. Please join if you wish too https://www.facebook.com/groups/315295243153525/

    • Reply by Amy Silverston

      Martin was killed in August 2019, age 67. I am 10 years younger. We had been together since 1986, when he proposed three weeks after our first date.

      He was electrocuted whilst on holiday in St Lucia with our three boys, then 19, 16 and 14, who were with him at the time and have had to deal with the trauma of what they witnessed and went through as they tried to bring him round with CPR.

      His death was the consequence of gross negligence by Wasco, the government company (equivalent to Thames Water) responsible for the site, a dam behind which is a big reservoir. There had been no maintenance for many years so when he brushed past a conduit pipe attached to the dam wall at body height, carrying the electricity supply to machinery in the pump house, it earthed through him because there was no earth rod. His UK inquest was widely reported – search on ‘Martin Ellis St Lucia’.

      After a year of the travel insurance lawyer doing or achieving nothing, despite my spending hours finding out information and contacting people in his stead, we changed to a personal injury specialist. Legal action against those responsible has just begun. Martin was the second British tourist to be electrocuted in St Lucia, so I would recommend any visitors only to go to places where they can see lots of other people.

      The boys and I have had to find a way as a foursome, a process made much more difficult because I have aggressively progressive MS. Stress makes MS worse and the shock of losing Martin put me in a wheelchair – my legs no longer work and, not long afterwards, I lost my manual dexterity – I can’t hold a pen or type (I use voice to text software to write), nor cutlery. The boys have had to learn to cook, use the washing machine etc, whilst I have carers come to get me up and put me to bed.

      The boys are justifiably proud of being far more capable domestically than their friends, and often say how they will be much better equipped when they go to university. The eldest one made himself very popular with flatmates when he arrived at uni by cooking them the Sunday roast lunch, when they were barely able to boil pasta. In fact, one didn’t know pasta had to be put into water in order to cook it!

      My lack of physical capacity makes it much harder to deal with the aftermath of losing your husband, the paperwork, the sorting out. I have spent thousands of £s on help from someone who acted as my legs and hands in going through the cellar, the loft, the desk drawers, his wardrobe, chest of drawers, boxes and piles of paperwork. It took a painful six months. Coming across things with his handwriting still cut me to the quick.

      When it came to birthdays and, particularly, Christmas, I tried to recreate what Martin used to do, but not very successfully. He used to make sure everyone had presents, including getting what the boys would give each other. Despite gentle reminders, though they more or less managed to either get things for each other or come to some agreement, they all forgot to get anything for me until Christmas Eve, resulting in a hastily bought gift token and ordering something that came two weeks later.

      The tree sat in the garden for a long time before the boys brought it in. Decorating it took some time before they did it and it took several days of asking before they undressed the tree. I did say not to put all the decorations in a heap in order to avoid them getting tangled up together, but I found them all in a jumble in a box this morning.

      Whereas we used to spend some time together in the living room, this year they managed to stay with me there for a couple of hours, because there was something they all wanted to see on the television.

      True, they have all been studying hard (degree, A-levels, GCSEs), but it would have been nice to do more than have a meal and watch one TV programme together.

      One reads about having to create a different life when what was your present and what would have been your future have been taken away. It may be I am feeling despondent after Christmas was such a non-event, but I am inclined now not to bother with the celebrations we used to mark – birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas – because I can’t bear the resentment they emanate at feeling made to do things that had not occurred to them. Or am I just being childish?

      Quite apart from occasion days, they are totally fed up of having to do things for me, claiming to come downstairs as little as possible because every time they show their faces I ask them to do something – things like reminding them to empty the bin, or make a start on supper.

      I am sure it is usual teenage behaviour. But whereas most parents can shrug their shoulders and do whatever it is themselves, I cannot. I am worried that the latter part of their childhood has been ruined, not just by the death of their father, but by me being such a burden, constantly irritating them.

      At some stage I hope to be able to grieve for Martin, instead of his absence merely being the cause of so much work and desperately missing his support and guidance when dealing with things he would have done if he were here.

      Being widowed is forcing me to consider the long-term future. How do I pass on my estate, i.e. the house, in a way that does not force them to sell it in order to pay the inheritance tax, because at least one of them wants to come back here because it’s one of the nicer parts of London to live, with Hampstead Heath at the bottom of the road. I have long letters of advice from solicitors to wade through.

      More pressing is where will I go when the youngest one finally leaves home? I almost can’t believe what I am doing when looking at developments for people who need supported living. The idea of living in a community of very elderly people when I am in my mid 60s does not enthrall me. And I would like to stay around here. The options are very limited.

      All these things go round and round in my head. When will I have time to shed a tear?

    • Reply by Buttercup19

      Hi Moonlady, I’ve set up a Facebook private group for ladies who have lost their husbands/partners so we can discuss our feelings and thoughts in a small caring group, if you’d like to join the link is below.

      https://www.facebook.com/groups/315295243153525/

    • Reply by Verity

      Oh dear Moonlady. I have just read your post. My husband of 51 years died very suddenly on 5 September 2020, literally in front of me. I hope by this time you have begun to come to terms with your husband’s death and found a way to cope with grief. I am more than happy to chat online with you if you want to talk about your man, your feelings, anything really.

    • Reply by Marv

      Hi
      I lost my wife last May. We’d been together since 10th November 1978. I miss her terribly. We too had so many plans for our old age. Christmas was awful but I still try to do my best every day.

    • Reply by NeilP

      I lost my wife in 2018, she was only 51 , My world collasped i still miss her dreadfully. Things do get easier but the pain is still there and resurfaces frequently. Take care everybody

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